To be deeply offended by being referred to as poisonous

[Suxapril]

Will save you all the long story.

SIL and I do not get on. At all. First time she ever met me she told me she has never liked any of DP’s gf’s. Knew then what I was working with and suffered her batshittery for years before eventually going NC last year.

Latest rant in which she messaged DP calling me poison and poisonous.

Of all the things she has said over the years, this actually stings a bit. I’m actually annoyed that it does as I like to think of her the least amount of time.

Is it as bad as I feel?

Because it's MN, and many, many, many PPs think they know both partiesxso initmately, that they are willing to bet on how they will behave/how they have behaved or how it will all go down!
I bet is one of the most childish playground statements an adult can use. Unless of course, they are in a branch of Ladbrookes...

I think you and me are married to the same man!!

Most insults usually say more about the one delivering them than the one receiving them. She’s obviously toxic. Just don’t give her space in your head.
Have you done a 16 personality types quiz? It can be helpful to develop self awareness about why you find it so offensive, rather than just shaking it off and thinking she’s batshit. Are you a person who really needs people to like you, or builds your identity on being a good person? Being able to analyse why this has pushed your buttons can help you let it go.

I’ve met a few weird sisters who despise and seem jealous of their brothers’ girlfriends/wives. It’s really weird and a bit gross.

A simple: Sorry, but you just don't interest me. Then total silence. They eventually get the message but you must be consistent. If you husband tries to intervene, say to him, Sorry, but your sister does not interest me.

As the sister of someone with lifelong mental illness I somewhat sympathise with your DH. It’s not easy to cut off contact and there is always concern about the sibling, and a worry about how they will fare as they get older. Maybe the best attitude is what he is doing- to maintain contact but try and keep things low key and nor get sucked into the psychodramas.

Tbh, it’s a bit puzzling that you’re upset that someone who thinks you’re awful says she thinks you’re awful. I mean, you also think she’s awful…? I couldn’t get that excited about it.

You bowed out gracefully and won’t put up with her crap? Yeh don’t think those two narratives match 😂

He must have known you would be offended. Who wouldn’t be. There’s no need for transparency. Her feelings are well established, you don’t need to know the hurtful details. Tell him by repeating her nastiness he is enabling her to hurt you.

He might even be repeating it as a bit of a vent for himself. He needs to understand that listening to her crap is the price of having a relationship with her and if it winds him up he’s got to keep it to himself

It sounds like your SIL is an unhappy person. Happy, busy, living your best life people have better things to do than slag off others. I’d feel sorry for her if she was nice, but since she’s using you as her whipping boy, she doesn’t deserve any empathy.

Usually I’d say let your DH deal with the batshittery of his lot. However if it’s a personal insult to me, or my DC, then I’d deal with it myself as my DH would play middle man. He’s not dealing with it, so you should.

You don’t owe her anything so no need to be nice.

I too have a tricky SIL who thinks I am awful. What she actually means is, she doesn’t like it that I’m happy, have a nice life, am loved, I look OK etc. She slags me off to anyone who’ll listen behind my back, but does not have the guts to do it to my face. She thinks my DH has “changed”. What she means is he no longer panders to her, spends money on her, because he’s married with a mortgage and kids. It’s all my fault of course.

There isn’t anything you can do to change her opinion of you. So, if the hat fits, wear it. That’s my mantra now. Whenever I have to see these people I put my best foot forward, I’m living my best life, I’m cheery and happy.

I’d also send her a text saying “I hear I’m poisonous 😂 🐍. Better watch I don’t slip anything into your tea ☕️. Have a great day 😘”

Or what someone said below about takes one to know one.

If you’ve earned respect, don’t wait around for it, command it.

I would tell him that you don't want to talk about her anymore and you don't want to hear about her either. Whatever they discuss or communicate is between them.

When someone trashes your name, reputation, character they want to know that their words have wounded you to the core. They wait, slavering in anticipation for you to respond, and of course, you could respond. But if you want to drive them absolutely batshit crazy (and have some fun) don't respond at all. Radio silence. What they said is not important enough or even interesting enough for you to give it any attention at all. Give it a go, and good luck.

That doesn’t explain why he needs you to see her messages?

Her opinions and words have no power to hurt you OP - if an insane person claimed you were the incarnation of Satan it would carry the same weight as her ranting - zero.

Ask your DH not to relay or show any of her opinions to you anymore. He wants to stay LC, that's his right, but you have the right to hear nothing at all from or about her.

This. They want the reaction from you. Not reacting drives them mad.

We're NC with my husband's siblings and I've no doubt I've been called poisonous and worse by them. I just take it as a compliment, they're massive cunts so I wouldn't want them approving of me.

I agree with others who have said to ask him not to tell you anything she's saying, it's absolutely pointless and only upsetting you.

Personalities like this have to blame other people. It' score to their self worth . They can't and wont' take responsibility for their own actions. And it's better to blame you as the in law.

exBIL used to blame me for a LOT of things. Both DH and SIL have, I suspect, kept a lot from me. But I consider it a badge of honour tha the hates me so much. It' sbecuase I saw through him much much earlier than anyone else. And yes, my support helped SIL to get away from him eventually.

As in I just said to her one day, I’m not prepared to continue to have any contact with you, and there is no interest on my behalf of reconciliation.

bowed out gracefully meaning it wasn’t a huge fight or the worst thing she said etc

This is exactly the same thing.

‘I have done a number on him’ ‘this isn’t your bro’ ‘you have changed’

for the exact same reasons, he doesn’t pander to her drama anymore and has been steadfast in our relationship.

I do think she is jealous and very bizzare, it’s just so boring and DP’s parents are quite elderly now and she is always round there crying and causing upset and saying I am to blame. Even his 80 yr old mother called him the other day to tell him to stop me upsetting her. It’s ridiculous tbh

That isn't graceful I'm afraid, it's unnecessarily inflammatory.

Graceful would have been telling her something like "We both love DH and it isn't helping any of the three of us to have ongoing arguments. I will step back from communicating with you so that you and DH can maintain your relationship independently of me, and I hope that will lead to a calmer and happier situation for all of us. The door will always be open if circumstances change so that you want to have a respectful and healthy relationship in future."

Ignore Ignore and ignore. If it persists block.
It's dh causing it. Tell him to get it sorted today.

That isn't ignoring. Telling DH "Just don't tell me anything related to her please" and leaving him to do as he pleases, is ignoring.