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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this would annoy you or it’s not a big deal?

38 replies

Thestarsinthesky · 20/03/2025 21:30

Happy to have honest opinions as I can’t work out where I stand on this.. trying to add all info so to not drip feed.

DH and I have 2 DD ( just turned 4 and 7). There birthdays are close together and were a few weeks ago in February.

My DHs brother and wife has 3 children all Similar in age to ours. One of their DD birthdays is a few days before one of ours, so birthdays is on their mind.

We’ve always had an arrangement where we spend similar amounts on the kids for their birthdays , Christmas and cards. We don’t live near each other. I make sure I buy my 3 nephews and niece’s presents , wrap them at home and post them making sure they arrive in well enough time so they can open them on the day and I try and put lots of love and thought into it.

However they seem to forget and don’t do it back for our children. They totally forgot my eldest daughters and didn’t even send a message. My youngest they remembered at 11pm the night before and sent a Moonpig card that arrived late and an Amazon prime present that did arrive on the day.

They don’t have money problems or anything like that and just seem to forget / not think about it.

I am very conscious they are my nieces and nephews and are very important to us and want to send them gifts and our time and thought into it. But it’s not reciprocated.

Our DD notice and ask why they forget about them. I appreciate they may be busy, but I can’t help feeling a bit offended. I’m busy, I don’t have lots of money, it’s an effort to buy wrap and go to a post office to send their present but I do it as I love them and it’s important.

I don’t think I would be as bothered and would carry on sending to theirs (and I plan on continuing) but now my DDs ask about it it’s highlighted that we do it differently.

would you be bothered - would you carry on sending? Message to say let’s stop going forward. Happy with any suggestions as I don’t really know what I think about it or if it’s not even a big deal! I think it’s because my kids noticed that it’s made me think.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 20/03/2025 21:36

I would just agree with them not to do presents going forwards.

autisticbookworm · 20/03/2025 21:39

Ask them if they want to just do cards or cards/money instead

DownWhichOfLate · 20/03/2025 21:43

You could send suggestions of gifts for your children at the same time as asking for suggestions for their children. Prompts them to reciprocate!

MissHollyGolightly · 20/03/2025 21:46

Just stop doing presents for each other’s DC, it’s not working. And why are your children even noticing? Makes them sound entitled!

LasVegass · 20/03/2025 21:46

I’m rubbish at organising this kind of things, so I would agree with whatever suggestion makes it easier. Does your DC know you buy presents for their cousins? As otherwise it shouldn’t matter if it’s not reciprocated.

LoztWorld · 20/03/2025 21:47

I notice this is your DHs family but you are the one sorting the presents.

I was doing this for my DHs nephews and nieces until a few years ago when I told him he would deal with his family’s presents and I would with mine. I was sick of doing it all.

So now his family don’t get any presents - even when they’ve explicitly sent him a link to something their kids want.

His brothers wife still sends us presents and I feel guilty because I agree these relationships are important, especially as they live abroad and we only see their kids every few years. But I don’t see why I should do it all.

Im thinking your case is like ours and the wife is refusing to deal with her DHs family gifts perhaps?

2025willbemytime · 20/03/2025 21:48

MissHollyGolightly · 20/03/2025 21:46

Just stop doing presents for each other’s DC, it’s not working. And why are your children even noticing? Makes them sound entitled!

It really doesn't.

Original poster
Thestarsinthesky · 20/03/2025 21:49

MissHollyGolightly · 20/03/2025 21:46

Just stop doing presents for each other’s DC, it’s not working. And why are your children even noticing? Makes them sound entitled!

Because they choose their children’s presents and write them letters and cards. And they’re their only aunty and uncle and Cousin and think a lot of them .

It’s quite normal for aunty and uncles to acknowledge their nieces and nephews birthday- no? They aren’t entitled that’s a horrible thing to say

OP posts:
Yellowhammer09 · 20/03/2025 21:52

I always message at the very least, but I can be extremely hit or miss when it comes to sending cards or presents.

JLou08 · 20/03/2025 21:59

My DB rarely sends presents for mine, it doesn't bother me as my children don't notice. I still send presents for my nephew as they are for him, not my DB.

Masmavi · 20/03/2025 21:59

Thestarsinthesky · 20/03/2025 21:30

Happy to have honest opinions as I can’t work out where I stand on this.. trying to add all info so to not drip feed.

DH and I have 2 DD ( just turned 4 and 7). There birthdays are close together and were a few weeks ago in February.

My DHs brother and wife has 3 children all Similar in age to ours. One of their DD birthdays is a few days before one of ours, so birthdays is on their mind.

We’ve always had an arrangement where we spend similar amounts on the kids for their birthdays , Christmas and cards. We don’t live near each other. I make sure I buy my 3 nephews and niece’s presents , wrap them at home and post them making sure they arrive in well enough time so they can open them on the day and I try and put lots of love and thought into it.

However they seem to forget and don’t do it back for our children. They totally forgot my eldest daughters and didn’t even send a message. My youngest they remembered at 11pm the night before and sent a Moonpig card that arrived late and an Amazon prime present that did arrive on the day.

They don’t have money problems or anything like that and just seem to forget / not think about it.

I am very conscious they are my nieces and nephews and are very important to us and want to send them gifts and our time and thought into it. But it’s not reciprocated.

Our DD notice and ask why they forget about them. I appreciate they may be busy, but I can’t help feeling a bit offended. I’m busy, I don’t have lots of money, it’s an effort to buy wrap and go to a post office to send their present but I do it as I love them and it’s important.

I don’t think I would be as bothered and would carry on sending to theirs (and I plan on continuing) but now my DDs ask about it it’s highlighted that we do it differently.

would you be bothered - would you carry on sending? Message to say let’s stop going forward. Happy with any suggestions as I don’t really know what I think about it or if it’s not even a big deal! I think it’s because my kids noticed that it’s made me think.

This is similar to my brother and his wife. I don't want to stop sending their children presents as for me it's about my children's connection with their cousins. I try not to remark on it to my children and there's normally enough fuss and celebration on their birthdays anyway that they don't tend to notice - and I think kids don't mind getting presents late as it extends their birthdays 😊
What does make me sad is that I know, really know now, that they don't think about us as much as we think about them. I'm hoping that the cousins might have some kind of relationship as they get older but as we don't live close by it's probably unlikely. Still, I do want to send my niece's and nephew presents on their birthdays. How my brother and his wife choose to approach it is up to them.

Original poster
Thestarsinthesky · 20/03/2025 22:04

Masmavi · 20/03/2025 21:59

This is similar to my brother and his wife. I don't want to stop sending their children presents as for me it's about my children's connection with their cousins. I try not to remark on it to my children and there's normally enough fuss and celebration on their birthdays anyway that they don't tend to notice - and I think kids don't mind getting presents late as it extends their birthdays 😊
What does make me sad is that I know, really know now, that they don't think about us as much as we think about them. I'm hoping that the cousins might have some kind of relationship as they get older but as we don't live close by it's probably unlikely. Still, I do want to send my niece's and nephew presents on their birthdays. How my brother and his wife choose to approach it is up to them.

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you for your response. I feel the same. I’m happy to continue to them, they are my nieces and nephews and I want a relationship with them. I think it’s been the fact my children have noticed (esp my older DD) and simply as they love coming to the toy shop with me and writing cards, choosing what their cousins would like and then going to the post office. Guess it feels like simpler happy times! And I do appreciate it’s an effort so they must not think it’s worth it to our children to do the same. But we will continue. With money - If we were the send money I feel it’s very transactional as id he sending them and they would be sending us and just swapping cash almost 😂

OP posts:
1apenny2apenny · 20/03/2025 22:10

So basically your DH and his brother have been brought up to believe that thinking about, sourcing and sending gifts is women’s work. You do it but your SIL has pushed back and doesn’t hence your children don’t get anything.

Easily solved, tell DH that from now on you will be doing your family gifts and he can do his.
Yes gifts won’t be exchanged but that’s a reflection of their lack of care (for context my DH has never sent gifts). I assume that neither your DH nor his DB are bothered about a fuss or gifts on their own birthdays?

I wouldn’t be communicating I’m stopping, I would just stop.

1apenny2apenny · 20/03/2025 22:14

Sorry but you are also teaching your daughters that it’s something mummy/a woman does. This is how stereotypes are perpetuated, although that’s your choice obvs.

Original poster
Thestarsinthesky · 20/03/2025 22:18

1apenny2apenny · 20/03/2025 22:14

Sorry but you are also teaching your daughters that it’s something mummy/a woman does. This is how stereotypes are perpetuated, although that’s your choice obvs.

oh gosh this has gone down a different path 😂 no my DH has as much involvement as I do with presents, we all talk about it and sort everything. No idea about his brother but in our family we all do everything

OP posts:
FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 20/03/2025 22:21

Yeah, this isn't your problem to have. Put it firmly back with your husband, problem solved.

Original poster
Thestarsinthesky · 20/03/2025 22:22

1apenny2apenny · 20/03/2025 22:14

Sorry but you are also teaching your daughters that it’s something mummy/a woman does. This is how stereotypes are perpetuated, although that’s your choice obvs.

No need to be sorry! You are incorrect ans have gone down a rabbit hole, and it seems your experience has led you to pick up on something that isn’t my experience!

OP posts:
LucyMonth · 20/03/2025 22:28

I honestly couldn’t care less about this sort of thing. It wouldn’t remotely offended me if any family member didn’t make a fuss over my child for their birthday. I don’t think it at all tells me how they feel about my child.

I suspect I feel that way because I am crap at remembering anyone’s birthday (including my own) so am terrible at sending cards and gifts. I’d give my niece a kidney in a heartbeat but I send her birthday gifts late every single year. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about her. So I would never assume someone doesn’t care about my son because they haven’t sent him a thoughtful, beautifully wrapped, perfectly timed gift.

It sounds like you and your daughters enjoy the process of buying, wrapping and sending the gifts, & that’s lovely, but hating all that faff doesn’t mean you don’t care about someone. People show love in different ways and being brutally honest…I think some people are gift givers because it makes them feel good, they get something out of it & it isn’t actually all about their love and devotion to the recipient.

Plus of course, there’s the societal expectation that it’s the sign of a “well run house hold” for the woman of the house to do these sorts of things. I know you’ve said your DH is involved but I’ll just be honest and say I don’t believe you 🤷‍♀️ He wasn’t brought into the conversation at all until a PP brought it up. It was all you and your DD.

Hadalifeonce · 20/03/2025 22:31

It becomes quite awkward when the children start noticing that their aunt/uncle don't actually recognise their birthdays. I stopped making excuses to mine and just said I don't know why this happens, perhaps they don't consider birthdays important.
I used to really wind me up as, like you, I used to make an effort.
I then started just putting some cash in the card. I really feel less stressed by it.

MasterBeth · 20/03/2025 22:35

I do it as I love them and it’s important.

Not everyone attaches the same importance to gift-giving. But if you think it's important, then surely you should continue.

You should also teach your children that not everyone attaches the same importance to gift-giving.

Newtess · 20/03/2025 22:35

I think some people rate relationships in a sort of transactional way. A thoughtful present matters to them. It's a sign that someone values them. But others are not like this. Different things matter to them. A good conversation, emotional support. Buying things is meaningless to them. You're just a different type of person to them.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 20/03/2025 22:48

Some suggestions...

SIL has obviously left your DDs to their unvle as it is his side of the family, and your BIL cant be arsed. Delegate present buying to your DH (he might forget too, but at least you dont have to worry about it).

Get DH to talk to his brother " hey bro, you forgot Sally's birthday - can you put a reminder in your phone for a week before the date next year so you've got enough time to send a card?"

If you haven't got a family WhatsApp group, start one, and then a week before the first birthday in the bunch send a message "back round to birthday season - what is niece into these days? DD4 likes spiderman and DD7 has taken up juggling..."

SalmonEile · 20/03/2025 23:07

It’s not about the present as such is that your children’s uncle doesn’t put as much effort into the relationship as you put in with his kids.
Is he a good uncle in other ways?
Do you see each other often?
I would wager he doesn’t know your kids birthdays off the top of his head and it’s just not on his radar, do you invite them to their birthdays?

I think if you want to keep sending presents that’s ok but don’t involve your kids as they notice they don’t get something back - which isn’t entitled it’s just a normal expectation for a child to have

Mydadsbirthday · 20/03/2025 23:08

LoztWorld · 20/03/2025 21:47

I notice this is your DHs family but you are the one sorting the presents.

I was doing this for my DHs nephews and nieces until a few years ago when I told him he would deal with his family’s presents and I would with mine. I was sick of doing it all.

So now his family don’t get any presents - even when they’ve explicitly sent him a link to something their kids want.

His brothers wife still sends us presents and I feel guilty because I agree these relationships are important, especially as they live abroad and we only see their kids every few years. But I don’t see why I should do it all.

Im thinking your case is like ours and the wife is refusing to deal with her DHs family gifts perhaps?

This seems really petty and something I never understand on MN - why would you deliberately cut people off in this way just because you think your DH should do it for 'his' family?

I get most presents / cards for my DH family because we're a team. He often goes round to my parents to help them out with little jobs. Why wouldn't I help him out with buying gifts for his family?

Mydadsbirthday · 20/03/2025 23:11

1apenny2apenny · 20/03/2025 22:14

Sorry but you are also teaching your daughters that it’s something mummy/a woman does. This is how stereotypes are perpetuated, although that’s your choice obvs.

I just do not get this. It's such bollocks. In a healthy equal partnership one person can buy and wrap gifts. The other might do all the laundry and the cooking. I can't understand why MN gets so het up about cards and presents. Frankly I'd rather do that than cook dinner every night (which my DH happily does!)