To ask if this would annoy you or it’s not a big deal?

[Thestarsinthesky]

Happy to have honest opinions as I can’t work out where I stand on this.. trying to add all info so to not drip feed.

DH and I have 2 DD ( just turned 4 and 7). There birthdays are close together and were a few weeks ago in February.

My DHs brother and wife has 3 children all Similar in age to ours. One of their DD birthdays is a few days before one of ours, so birthdays is on their mind.

We’ve always had an arrangement where we spend similar amounts on the kids for their birthdays , Christmas and cards. We don’t live near each other. I make sure I buy my 3 nephews and niece’s presents , wrap them at home and post them making sure they arrive in well enough time so they can open them on the day and I try and put lots of love and thought into it.

However they seem to forget and don’t do it back for our children. They totally forgot my eldest daughters and didn’t even send a message. My youngest they remembered at 11pm the night before and sent a Moonpig card that arrived late and an Amazon prime present that did arrive on the day.

They don’t have money problems or anything like that and just seem to forget / not think about it.

I am very conscious they are my nieces and nephews and are very important to us and want to send them gifts and our time and thought into it. But it’s not reciprocated.

Our DD notice and ask why they forget about them. I appreciate they may be busy, but I can’t help feeling a bit offended. I’m busy, I don’t have lots of money, it’s an effort to buy wrap and go to a post office to send their present but I do it as I love them and it’s important.

I don’t think I would be as bothered and would carry on sending to theirs (and I plan on continuing) but now my DDs ask about it it’s highlighted that we do it differently.

would you be bothered - would you carry on sending? Message to say let’s stop going forward. Happy with any suggestions as I don’t really know what I think about it or if it’s not even a big deal! I think it’s because my kids noticed that it’s made me think.

It is unfair if you think about it, just because presents are important to kids. If I were you, I'd consider just sending token gifts for them and maybe not buying and pre-wrapping but just ordering straight to their address so you don't have to put in so much effort. That way you're still acknowledging the birthdays but it's not so unfair on your side when it's not reciprocated.

I also wouldn't include your kids in the process so they're not so aware of the disparity. Kids do have a strong sense of fairness and they naturally like presents so it will seem unjust to them. If they bring it up, I'd just say that some people don't always send birthday presents because they might be busy or might not have money at the time.

Personally it wouldn’t bother me but as you don’t see them regularly how do you know what to buy them? I used to send money to my niece and nephew until they reached 18 as we didn’t see them often. My sister and brother did the same with my kids. The faff of posting stuff and the expense put me off. My husband never bothered with nieces on his side and I firmly set the precedent that he deal with birthdays/Christmas on his side and I with relatives on my side. Some families make a big deal of birthdays and others are more laid back. If you still want to do presents then you could suggest ones a few weeks before your DD1s birthday. Sounds like they are more disorganised than doing it maliciously though.

You need to focus on doing what YOU want to do and not what you think is 'expected' of you. If you do decide to stop sending gifts that's your prerogative - and you certainly don't have to explain why. If your 'no show' is then picked up by them just say: 'Ah, I figured we weren't doing gifts any more when you missed x's birthday'. Then say no more about it.

I don’t think it’s petty to not do gifts etc for your DH/DP family after all they know when all their families birthdays are and know them better. Not one man I’ve been with ever has asked me when my families birthdays are so they can buy gifts, many many men however see this as something women do, many of whom find it stressful and don’t like it so don’t do it. I find it odd on MN that so many still do it esp when their partners clearly aren’t stepping up although often times they’re ’really great’ and ‘cut the grass and put the bins out’ which are conveniently once a week at best jobs.

I know that there are many relationships where the workload is shared, in my experience unfortunately this isn’t what I’ve experienced and I’ve found the people that tell me their DH dies share, by my standards they don’t.

Op I get it, I’m like you, I naturally remember birthdays and enjoy organising card and present even if I’m busy. It’s an effort to resist! However plenty of people just don’t think about it and struggle to organise themselves, or simply do not consider it important in the same way I do. I accept that and have an agreement that suits us both, usually that we don’t bother! In your case I’d probably keep it up if you can accept they won’t be as diligent.

Yes because anyone who happily receives gifts for their kids but repeatedly doesn’t reciprocate is a CF so I’d just send a card. Shows your children that you will stand up for them. I can see why they’d be hurt if you’re always getting gifts for your nieces and nephews but their aunty / uncle doesn’t bother with them. probably makes them feel less valued in the family.

I wouldn’t mind if they are just genuinely busy and send a card / gift late but if they don’t bother then they’re total CFs

Stop doing presents it doesn't have to create drama

You have two choices you can either speak to your db and agree to just send cards (your dc can still make them) or you can continue to see this as a nice experience for your kids and worry less about reciprocation. Great opportunity to teach your kids about not giving to recieve

That’s how I’ve started feeling since last night when I’ve thought it through- so their kids get nice birthday presents to open on the day, and mine get late ones or fuck all and not even a message. At best they used to send late Amazon parcels and Moonpig cards. It’s happened so much over the years. I won’t send from now on. Not a big deal to me if we don’t send to them as then it’s fair. I think it is probably sensible with us living far away, and it reduces our costs. We will match the energy they give to our kids. It’s not even the presents really it’s that they won’t even send a message - that costs absolutely nothing.

I do 100% of the mental load. DH has literally never bought or organised a single thing for our own DC - not even functional things like clothes. He wouldn’t even know what size to buy.

So no, it’s not petty to opt out of a task that absolutely should be his job.

He is more or less equal with laundry, cooking, cleaning and childcare but anything requiring initiative (including planning the meals he cooks) falls to me. We have a disabled DC, which comes with loads of admin he doesn’t participate in. I just don’t have the headspace to nurture his family relationships as well as my own. We are a team in other ways but no, just no.

Sorry this was a reply to a poster who said it was “petty” for women not to want to organise gifts for their husband’s families 🙄

Don't make their children more important than yours. I would pull back on the presents to be honest.

I would probably stop. In our family how we all do it is if you see the child around the time of their birthday you give a card and a small gift (or perhaps money), if you don’t see them then you would acknowledge with a phone call (usually) or a text. No-one sends anything through the post ever.

Admittedly this means that it might not work out entirely “fair” in that one child might get a gift every second year and another child might get one every year, but I can assure you we don’t keep track.