Just blew up at my husband in front of son and feeling like shit for it

[TaupeCrab]

My husband recently started doing this thing where whenever I ask him something or tell him he needs to do something (for example get ready for leaving the house), he'll reply "stop shouting". That's all he says. I'm perfectly calm and in no way raising my voice or even changing my tone. I've asked him several times to stop this. It massively triggers me from issues I've had in the past. Although he knows about these issues, I haven't explained to him that's why I want him to stop.

Anyway he did it tonight and I asked him to stop. He then did it again about something separate and I fucking blew up at him. It was in front of our 9 year old son and I feel terrible. I was shouting and hyperventilating crying. Not a pretty sight. I feel like such a dick.

What a strange situation. He's just started telling you you're shouting when you're not? Does he gaslight you in other ways? Tell you you're doing something you're not?

Ive no doubt you’ll be hit with a ton of replies about how unreasonable your husband is being, but I would say, try not to worry about it too much. Perhaps you are raising your voice to him, but feel like you’re not, either way that’s his interpretation of how you speak to him.

I would maybe take the time to explain to him why you got so cross with him tonight and perhaps he will be more understanding.

Thank you for the replies so far. I appreciate them. He openly admits I'm not shouting, he just says it to annoy me.

He seems to think it's funny.

Oh ok, well you didn’t say that in your first post. Tell him it’s annoying as fuck and to stop being a bellend. You son will get over your outburst. But still not a bad idea to be honest with your husband about your past issues. All will be fine. Don’t stress.

Look up reactive abuse

Sorry but you are in another abusive relationship.. Ime it's difficult to admit it - especially a second time. Now raise your bar.. And end things. Before he deems YOU the aggressive one.

if he’s admitted what he’s saying isn’t true, then he’s trying to be deliberately awkward (at best) or gaslighting you. Is the relationship ok otherwise?

So he’s intentionally winding you up?

Drip feed all his other qualities that make this acceptable, you’re allowing your son to witness a toxic relationship

for his sake sort your sh!t out and your dh stops being such a twit or you leave
poor kid

Reality check needed, thank you pp.

Your reaction is a normal one for someone being gaslit.

You're reacting to his abuse op, don't beat yourself up, his actions are sinister, it's not just a difference in humour, he's being a nasty twat.

He's gaslighting you and goading you into blowing up.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free PDF online.

He's not being funny and there are no good intentions behind this.

Your husband is the dick.

Be clear with him - he says it again and he is getting out. Then pack up his stuff if he says it again.
his behaviour is nasty and I would refuse to tolerate that. Don’t feel bad, you have been pushed to this point.

Why are you telling him to get ready? The whole thing sounds weird and pretty fucked up for your child to be witnessing.

If he's just doing it to be a dick I'd stop telling him. Just go out without him. Don't ask him what he wants for dinner etc, just decide yourself and when he complains, tell him you're sick of being told to stop shouting when you aren't, so it's made you not want to bother communicating with him at all. Talking to him is no longer something you like doing. If he gets arsey, don't back down and point out that gaslighting is considered abusive for a reason.

Maybe he will fucking learn not to be such a dickhead in future.

I carry pretty much the entire emotional load type jobs in our house. This ranges from making sure he can keep to time with things and be ready to leave when necessary. God, it's like he's my fucking child.

Do you think part of the problem is your relationship dynamic which is mother/teenager?

He's winding you up in a passive aggressive way like a teenager. Perhaps he's resentful.

Interesting. Possibly. I haven't considered this perspective, but will give it some thought. Thank you.

How did he cope before you got together?

If you’re ill in bed does he manage to get to work on time by himself?

Stop thinking for him, make him think and act for himself. Concentrate on yourself and your child.

It's surprisingly difficult to stop. But I will try. It's almost like a stress management thing for me. I need to organise our lives fully or nothing happens. Or maybe it does and I'm not giving it a shot.

Say it back next time he ssks you anything