Mother's day lunch

[LoveFridaynight]

This will be my first Mother's day since my mum died. It was less than 2 months ago so still quite painful.
Normally on Mother's day we each see our mum's in the morning and then meet up for a pub lunch.
Obviously things will be different this year and I've told DH I don't want to do a pub lunch, happy to cook or get a takeaway. I don't think I could bear to see loads of happy families together just yet.
MIL has suggested we all have lunch together this year (fine) expect now SILs husband wants to invite his mum too so it's been agreed (but not by me) to all meet at a restaurant as it will be a lot of people for someone to cook for.
I've told DH I'm not going. He is welcome to go with the kids but I don't want to. Perfectly happy to stay at home and order a pizza or something.
DH said he doesn't want to go without me but he would like to go. I just said it's his decision what he does but I'm staying home. I don't want to see MIL with her children or BIL with his mum.
I feel a bit upset that DHs family would suggest something where they all see their mum's apart from me. Not to mention all the other people who will be at the restaurant with their mums.
AIBU to say I'm not going? I know MIL will make it seems like I am but I'd like some outside opinions

I'm very sorry for the loss of your mum

My view is that you should do exactly what you want to do; I wouldn't want to go either in the circumstances.

I honestly think they will understand if you don’t go. Have a nice day to yourself.

I definitely don't think you would be unreasonable to stay home, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think they are unreasonable for wanting to celebrate together. I'm sure it's not intended to hurt you.

I think it's fine for you not to go and totally understandable.

I don't think the others have done anything wrong though .. although it would have perhaps been nice for them to consider your feelings a little more.

When someone dies, your world kind of feels like it stops, but everyone else's doesn't. It's tough.

Sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry about the loss of your mother.
Absolutely stay home and have your pizza and have a gentle day x

First of all, I'm sorry about the loss of your mother. 2 months ago is so raw for you and you are 100 percent right not to go. I can offer my own experience although it's a different loss. My twin babies died at birth 15 months ago and there's no way I'd go to a communal mothers day meal. Right now I just want to bring flowers to the grave that day and maybe get a quiet walk in. So don't feel one bit guilty or bad about this. Your MIL has no business here. I remember after my babies died, we had to go to christenings, family get together, babies literally being thrown at us. It was horrific. I stupidly attended a christening 1 month after I buried my children. It nearly killed me. I also don't think they organised the lunch and didn't care about you. They just don't get it because they aren't grieving. They probably didn't want to exclude you or not organise it to make things awkward. But it isn't appropriate for you right now and that's ok

Absolutely stay at home, do something nice with your kids. Dh has to understand. And again I'm so sorry for your loss. For what its worth I hate mothers day, not for what it represents, just because it's bloody painful and stay of social media that day too if you can. Xxx

So sorry for your loss.

I think you need to do what’s best for you this Mother’s Day.

if you normally get on ok with your in-laws I strongly suspect they didn’t think it would upset you, I’d go so far as the fact they may have thought it would have been a nice idea to arrange this with you in mind. But again, you do what’s best for you. Mother’s Day can be incredibly hard especially if you’ve just lost your mum

So sorry for your loss. You should do whatever you want but it's completely understandable that others will want to see their mums and celebrate.

Life is so short, as you have experienced, so it's important they celebrate with their mums while they still have them.

I lost my mum when I was very young, so have missed her for a long time but wouldn't expect others not to do something for their mums.

But you're not unreasonable for staying home.

Absolutely this. You should really put your feelings first at this delicate time. So sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I would recommend doing something completely utterly different, non Mother’s Day themed, like go to a theme park or the cinema, something that’s completely the opposite of the usual Mother’s Day stuff, with your children and husband. Something that’ll be fun and hopefully give you a few laughs. Probably not practical, given what you’ve described, or might not be what you feel like but I find it useful for Father’s Day, which is always a bit painful for me, for a few reasons, to do something nice, but non traditional, to break the tradition. I really do think you need to be the priority this year, and everyone’s bring a bit insensitive.

They are not doing it to spite you they are trying to make it easy for the majority.

however you are not being unreasonable not to go, I wouldn’t in your situation either.

I wouldn’t however expect mil to cook for that amount of people

Losing my mum was a huge blow and it took a very long time to come to terms with it. So I can well understand that, only 2 months in, you are still very much in early stages of grief.

Do what makes you feel better - and I am sorry for your loss 💐

Sorry for your loss. 2 months is practically nothing for grieving so you are not unreasonable at all . You should do something you like and what would help you.
Your relatives are not wrong to gather together how they wish but they are wrong for insisting you to join them.

Why can’t your DH to go without you? Is he worried about leaving you alone ? Or he doesn’t want to look after kids during the outing by himself? The latter is always my suspicion when my DH doesn’t want to go somewhere without me.

OP my mum died just over a year ago so I know how you feel. That first Mothers Day is really tough. BUT...

I feel a bit upset that DHs family would suggest something where they all see their mum's apart from me. Not to mention all the other people who will be at the restaurant with their mums.

You can't dictate or be annoyed about other people wanting to be with their mums on Mothers Day. You would be doing the same if your mum was alive!

You can be sad and spend the day at home with pizza (I would) but don't begrudge your DH and his family for wanting to spend time with their mum. They probably want to do so even more now (I know when my mum died, my DH became a lot closer to his mum as he realised how quickly life can change and didn't want to regret not spending time with her).

It's only been 2 months. I am so sorry for your loss. Have the day you need.

However, you can't stop them being with their mums however they like.

Given what you’re going through with the loss of your mum, I think your DH should go and visit his mother as normal in the morning, but then he and your children should get home and spend the rest of the day with you - you’re a mum and it’s your day too!

I don't think there's a right or wrong - just a what you feel able to cope with at the moment.

You offered to cook at home which I think was a great compromise and they appear to prefer to go out (they may think that will take the pressure off you).

I think if it was me, I'd tell DH the offer for a meal at home with your MIL is there, and won't be attending a restaurant.

If they go out - plan yourself a treat.

So sorry for your loss.
I think they are being a bit insensitive. Your lovely Mum has only just gone.

I'm 4 years on and I think only now the shock has gone that my Mum is dead. Yet I still don't understand or ever will come to terms with the loss.
Do something that you want to do. Or watch something your Mum enjoyed. Or if you have siblings do something for your Mum together.

Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. 2 months is still a very recent loss. I'm not at all surprised at how you are feeling.

I think your DH and inlaws are being rather insensitive. Has your DH clearly explained to them that you are not ready to go to a restaurant on Mother's Day? It sounds like he may not have.

You do what you need to. Personally I think your DH should see his mum in the morning but then come home and cook lunch for you.

They haven't done anything wrong and I can understand wanting to see their mum's but it just feels like a bit insensitive . I just don't really want to spend the day with other people and their mum's, which I know is unreasonable.
I won't stop DH going out with his mum if that's what he wants. I think I'm just finding it hard because it's my first Mother's day without my mum.

So sorry for your loss. You are not unreasonable to want a day at home and I think your husband should be saying that this year you will all just give the wider family celebration a miss unless you particularly want some alone time.

How you feel is completely understandable, I’m really sorry for your loss.

As you’ve acknowledged, your DH/in laws aren’t doing anything wrong, not inviting you would potentially have felt as insensitive as inviting you has ended up feeling.

Have the day you need and be kind to yourself.

It's not unreasonable not to go but it's also not unreasonable that they want to celebrate.

I'd be telling my DH and DC to go and then stay home if I were you.

I’m really sorry for your loss. 2 months is not long at all 💐. You can just have your husband message your mother-in-law that you won’t be attending because it’s too soon after your mum has passed, but that he’ll stop by with the kids and then leave early. That way he would have still seen his mum and spent time with her and then you can all spend the rest of the day together.

I think you shouldn’t go if you don’t want to and your husband should stay home to support you and ensure you get to be with your children too. Sounds like the in laws are thoughtless. Just let them be. So sorry for your loss.