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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abortion Guilt

29 replies

MissDollie123 · 19/03/2025 09:54

Hi, I’m writing this for some support as I’m really struggling with guilt and trauma from my situation. I’m 22 years old and in December I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. I’ve always wanted to be a mum but the situation I was in was not safe to bring a child into. My partner (28yo)(now ex) suffers from addiction and alcoholism. He pretty much will take anything he can get his hands on including street Valium, opioids etc. The addiction has a tight grip on him, and although he was in touch with treatment services, he was not engaging and I was pretty much his full time carer. I also now realise I was being emotionally abused, which was showing signs of turning into physical. My partner never showed any interest in wanting to have children, but as soon as I fell pregnant he changed his tune. He told me if I was to abort the baby I’d be ‘killing our baby’ , ‘a monster’ and I would ‘regret it for the rest of my life’. I was terrified for the babies future and I had no support around me. I was working full time while completing a degree and my partner is unemployed due to his addiction. I was coming in from work to other addicts in the house, he also cheated on me multiple times. It was just a horrible situation. He was so off his face the whole time I was pregnant, he barely remembers it. I was so scared I made the decision to have an abortion. This was the toughest decision of my life, but I did it based on the babies future and safety. I told my partner I miscarried as I was scared of his reaction. He immediately changed his tune again and said how relieved he was as he wasn’t ready to bring a baby into the world! And then quickly moved on. It was the most painful thing I’ve went through both emotionally and physically, I felt so alone. I stayed for another month, but the abuse was getting worse, it was destroying me, so I made the decision to leave. I lost a lot and I’m having to rebuild my life again. I know I shouldn’t have stayed for as long as I did, but I really loved him and wanted to be there for him in his recovery. I realise now it was a cycle of abuse and manipulation that I was caught up in. It’s really messed with my head, I feel so confused. And I still feel so much guilt from the abortion. I’m on the waiting list for counselling, but unsure how long that’s going to take. Just really coming on here for any advice on how to move forward, if anyone has been in any similar situation. Thank you 🙏🤍

OP posts:
MementoMountain · 19/03/2025 09:55

You were very wise.

CowTown · 19/03/2025 09:58

Although it hurts now, not bringing a child into a situation where they would likely spend 50% of their time with an abusive addict was probably the best choice.

Tagyoureit · 19/03/2025 09:58

You absolutely made the best decision!!

TreatYoSelf2025 · 19/03/2025 10:01

You know you made the right decision here but it’s not going to make it hurt any less. You really are going to have to forgive yourself for a terrible period of your life and let time help with your healing. I’m so sorry that you had to make that decision and that you had to go through it but I am so glad you’re out of that situation now with your ex who sounds horrendous.

ByDreamyMintNewt · 19/03/2025 10:06

You did the right thing. Just because a decision feels bad doesn't mean it was wrong. You saved yourself and what would have been that child the pain and mess of being attached to a manipulative addict for their whole life. A strong and selfless decision. It will take time but it will get easier. You did nothing wrong.

IlooklikeNigella · 19/03/2025 10:10

Oh gosh I'm so sorry OP, I had an abortion at that age and was consumed with sadness and feelings of loss afterwards.

It will pass. Focus on you right now.

I hope motherhood is in your future under the right circumstances. It has been for me and it is so so wonderful. I'm so grateful that I'm able to be proud of the loving and supportive environment that we give our child.

madaboutpurple · 19/03/2025 10:11

You did make the right decision. Could you imagine having a man like your ex for a partner and father. I am sure once you are with a lovely man for a partner and you both decide the time is right you will have a much loved child. The time was not right, the partner was not the right man for you. Give yourself time to meet a loving man and then it will be the right time.

Wolfhat · 19/03/2025 10:13

Motherhood is about sacrifice for your baby and you did that. As hard as it is you made a brave choice for your baby and then you made a brave choice to get yourself out.

Look at the stats of women being killed, you could have been another number and instead you're giving yourself another chance, that's amazing.

Stay on the waiting list for counselling but also join other community groups, get out their and put yourself first.

Do not go back to the awful ex.

TheHerboriste · 19/03/2025 10:14

There is no call to feel guilty. We were not designed to bring every fertilized egg to fruition; at least half of them never get remotely near becoming a human being. Hundreds of millions of abortions and miscarriages happen every year. Whether your body or your mind decides to terminate the pregnancy is irrelevant. You don’t need a reason, let alone a “good” reason. It wasn’t meant to be.

TheHerboriste · 19/03/2025 10:15

Wolfhat · 19/03/2025 10:13

Motherhood is about sacrifice for your baby and you did that. As hard as it is you made a brave choice for your baby and then you made a brave choice to get yourself out.

Look at the stats of women being killed, you could have been another number and instead you're giving yourself another chance, that's amazing.

Stay on the waiting list for counselling but also join other community groups, get out their and put yourself first.

Do not go back to the awful ex.

There was no baby, just the possible potential of one.

TwinklyNight · 19/03/2025 10:23

I'm sorry for your loss and pain. You saved a child from what would be an unstable hellish life, take comfort in that. It was the right thing under the circumstances.
💐

JustMyView13 · 19/03/2025 10:32

Just because you made the right decision for you, it doesn’t mean that decision has to be pain free. Physically and emotionally.
It’s ok to feel whatever you feel.
Please be kind to yourself, it’s still really early days.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 19/03/2025 10:34

You made a decision that you thought was in the best interests of the unborn child and you must hold on to that. Therapy will help greatly, as will time, but I’d also recommend reading overcoming low self esteem, doing the freedom programme online, and attending al anon.

honeylulu · 19/03/2025 10:41

Best decision for you, for the potential child (and for your useless ex). Easy to say but don't feel guilty, you made your decision with care, thought and love.

For some women/girls is very natural to feel sadness, even if the decision was the right one. The thing is, all the negative and problematic issues surrounding the pregnancy disappeared once you had had the termination and what you're left with is the "what could have been" feelings and wondering. Plus hormonal upheaval which won't help! If it helps remind yourself of the negative and problematic issues, assure yourself of your good decision and be kind to yourself.

Endofyear · 19/03/2025 10:42

Bless you lovely, I'm so sorry that you have been through such an awful time 😔 you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, you did the right thing in a terrible situation, I can only imagine how hard it's been.

I hope you get your counselling soon, you really do need to talk things through with someone who can help. In the meantime do you have a good friend or family you can lean on a little bit? I hope so. Any little things you can do to take care of yourself, do them - warm baths, watching familiar and comforting programmes, walking in nature, yoga, meditation apps (Calm App is good) are all small things which will nurture you. Try and get exercise, enough sleep and nourishing food. Above all give yourself time to recover. Allow yourself to cry, rant and let out your feelings. You are important and you matter. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Ellie1015 · 19/03/2025 10:44

You would have tied yourself to this awful man who would be a terrible father. I would have made the same decsion. Well done for splitting up with him too.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 19/03/2025 10:50

You have every right to feel sad but no reason to feel guilty. You made absolutely the right decision and prevented a baby being born into an awful situation that you were not equipped to cope with at that time. It’s natural to grieve but don’t let this guy, who sounds like a disaster, get into your head. Imagine you and a child being tied to him for the rest of both your lives.

Yellowpingu · 19/03/2025 10:59

You sound like an amazingly strong young woman. Can student
services help you while you’re waiting for your counselling appointment?

Lilacbutterflies007 · 19/03/2025 11:19

OP I was in a similar situation to you at 19 years old I had an abortion I fell pregnant on the pill with my abusive ex who had anger issues. There was part of me that considered keeping the baby but I did decide on abortion and felt guilty for about 2-3 years but now I’m older in my early 30’s with a lovely husband and young DC I know I made the right choice. I no longer feel guilt or regret.

Be gentle with yourself, give it time, enjoy freedom from your abusive ex and focus on enjoying your 20’s

You’ve got this OP

Oopsps · 19/03/2025 11:20

You've suffered trauma, hardship and loss; it's very natural for you to feel this way - be kind to yourself. I always suggest to my friends who are struggling if they were giving advice to another friend in their situation - what would it be? You sound sensible and mature - what advice would you give to a friend in a similar situation?
It sounds like you very carefully thought about things and made the best choice. But the reality is you don't have to justify to anyone or even yourself why you made your decision. It was the best decision for you all at the time.
I hope you can find the space to heal and go on to have the lovely life you deserve.

Outnumbered99 · 19/03/2025 11:23

Oh my lovely what an awful time you have had. You absolutely did the right thing, and you are still doing the right thing, by getting yourself away and keeping yourself safe. You have every right to live the life you deserve and one day you will bring a much loved wanted child into a healthy relationship. This is not that time. Be gentle with yourself OP you have been through an awful lot, but you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

BeMintFatball · 19/03/2025 11:39

Acknowledge the grief you feel for the potential child . And that’s all it was , a maybe , a could have been. Your future actual children would thank you for this decision.

One of my pregnancies I was shocked at first when the midwife called the fetus a parasite, I was losing weight in early pregnancy. But when I thought about it she was right. The fetus was not sentient being at that stage. Just a lump in vague humanoid form taking would it needed from its host (me).

Congratulations on having enough love for yourself to get out of a terrible situation. I have daughters, the youngest is your age. This is the advice I would give to my own daughter.

Manchesterbythesea · 19/03/2025 11:42

I’m not going to be much help here but I had an abortion when I was 18. I’m in my mid 40’s now. The dad was an asshole but I still regret it and wish I had sought help and support at the time. I went for counselling a few years ago which really did help.
In your situation I think you did the right thing. Be kind to yourself and consider counseling.

Justlovedogs · 19/03/2025 11:54

@MissDollie123You made the best decision for you and your potential unborn child at that point in time. For what it's worth, to me, it sounds like it was the right decision. Doesn't mean it won't hurt and guilt is a manifestation of the hurt.
I'm no expert, but from what I've read on MN over the years, you need to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your child. It's OK to feel sad but guilt is a somewhat useless emotion. You can't turn back the clock, you can't change your ex, but you can take care of you. If you do that, when the time is right at some point in the future, I bet you'll be the best mum. Go easy on yourself. x

Moglet4 · 19/03/2025 11:57

TheHerboriste · 19/03/2025 10:14

There is no call to feel guilty. We were not designed to bring every fertilized egg to fruition; at least half of them never get remotely near becoming a human being. Hundreds of millions of abortions and miscarriages happen every year. Whether your body or your mind decides to terminate the pregnancy is irrelevant. You don’t need a reason, let alone a “good” reason. It wasn’t meant to be.

What a lovely way of putting it.