Hi, I’m writing this for some support as I’m really struggling with guilt and trauma from my situation. I’m 22 years old and in December I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. I’ve always wanted to be a mum but the situation I was in was not safe to bring a child into. My partner (28yo)(now ex) suffers from addiction and alcoholism. He pretty much will take anything he can get his hands on including street Valium, opioids etc. The addiction has a tight grip on him, and although he was in touch with treatment services, he was not engaging and I was pretty much his full time carer. I also now realise I was being emotionally abused, which was showing signs of turning into physical. My partner never showed any interest in wanting to have children, but as soon as I fell pregnant he changed his tune. He told me if I was to abort the baby I’d be ‘killing our baby’ , ‘a monster’ and I would ‘regret it for the rest of my life’. I was terrified for the babies future and I had no support around me. I was working full time while completing a degree and my partner is unemployed due to his addiction. I was coming in from work to other addicts in the house, he also cheated on me multiple times. It was just a horrible situation. He was so off his face the whole time I was pregnant, he barely remembers it. I was so scared I made the decision to have an abortion. This was the toughest decision of my life, but I did it based on the babies future and safety. I told my partner I miscarried as I was scared of his reaction. He immediately changed his tune again and said how relieved he was as he wasn’t ready to bring a baby into the world! And then quickly moved on. It was the most painful thing I’ve went through both emotionally and physically, I felt so alone. I stayed for another month, but the abuse was getting worse, it was destroying me, so I made the decision to leave. I lost a lot and I’m having to rebuild my life again. I know I shouldn’t have stayed for as long as I did, but I really loved him and wanted to be there for him in his recovery. I realise now it was a cycle of abuse and manipulation that I was caught up in. It’s really messed with my head, I feel so confused. And I still feel so much guilt from the abortion. I’m on the waiting list for counselling, but unsure how long that’s going to take. Just really coming on here for any advice on how to move forward, if anyone has been in any similar situation. Thank you 🙏🤍