Help me our here - am I going mad?

[Sarah202023]

Sat with the DH and tell him my plans to take my 6 month old to a soft play tomorrow. Husband (not for the first time) comments that I've not done this before and that I should do it more. I'm not that bothered I say - I'm not really a huge fan of soft play and don't feel like either of us are missing out.
He then starts telling me how I am so negative and he feels sorry for me. I tell him he doesn't need to, if he's that bothered that DC is missing out on some formative experience then he is always welcome to go. He then goes on and on, adding that he sees other mothers in soft play having such a lovely bonding experience and he's just so sorry that I don't get that.
I mean....wtf!? I say that it sounds as though he is criticising my parenting/ability to bond with my child (I'm good on both these fronts). I try to get him to understand why his words might be upsetting and he says I'm oversensitive, crazy, spiralling, overreacting, going crazy at him....I am literally none of these!
I told him that this is gaslighting and he's denied saying what he did, or if he did, that's not what he meant and then left the room because I can't have a sensible conversation and turn everything into an argument....
I'm pretty sure I'm not but AIBU here?? What is going on and why has he said this!?

When does he see other mothers in soft okay if he never goes?

He had been regularly with our older DC. I'm not a big fan so leave that particular activity to him as he really enjoys it

Is he saying it because he thinks you should go out more with baby? Do you go to baby groups etc?

it's not gaslighting, but it's being very critical.

No...I don't do the mum and baby groups as I did those with my first. I have a very good group of mum friends who i see almost daily. Admittedly it's mostly coffee and going for nice walks but I'm very well bonded with my youngest and they are always happy.
For what it's worth I was never that fussed about softplay with my eldest either.

Thankyou. I'm pretty annoyed now so some perspective is good

Sounds like it really hit a nerve with him for some reason, and he was so frustrated that you didn't just agree with him that he escalated his arguments to try to get you to give in. Is he normally a reasonable/rational person?

Soft play is generally crap, at 6 months really I don’t see the point! I do think that attending some groups is nice though for your baby, even if you already have mum friends. Like a sensory group or something for baby!

Sometimes he seems to suggest that I'm not being what his idea of a perfect mother is? Not his words, just how it feels. Like the mothers who do enjoy that one particular thing are doing it better.
But you're right - it does feel like a nerve has been hit

Soft play is just the worst, I always hated it, and I don't think it's great for kids either. Hot, sweaty, noisy, germy..totally overstimulating, as well. And expensive. I'd much rather go for a walk or stand for an hour in a freezing playground than ever set foot in one of those places again.
So I fully support your point of view. If your H likes going there, fair enough but he's got no right to push you into going there. I don't believe anyone has a lovely bonding experience in a soft play area. He's talking nonsense and yes, sounds like he's gaslighting you. Why is he so bothered by you not liking it there?

Soft play with a 6 month old is a ridiculous idea!!!

Thanks for this. I definitely take your point. This doesn't feel like this was where this issue stemmed from though.

Softplay is crap at 6 months, they love it when they can totter around, climb on it and tumble down it, but other than a snout full of germs and the likelihood of being trampled what’s in it for a barely mobile infant?

My first thought 🤣

I quite enjoyed soft play with mine, if one parent doesn't like it and the other does, send him and you can bond in other ways, whatever they may be. Our kids are a bit older, my wife loves films, I'm not too bothered, that's her thing. I do the music lessons and bond over that. It's horses for courses. Leave him to soft play (secretly a bit sad that I'm not going back!)

I don't think I do what he thinks is the typical things a mum should want to do. Like I'm not massively fussed by paying for "experiences" - I refused to pay £100 for us to visit santa last year (insane prices!) but his point of view is that stuff like that is worth it and much better than going to the local garden centre to see santa, for example.
I'm not saying he's wrong...I think somewhere in the middle of our preferences is great and we balance each other out. But this felt all a bit over the top...

I felt like you about that stuff. What’s fun about it, nothing. Your kids have fun but for an adult it’s boring. I feel the same way about playgrounds too. I did love taking them to the beach and doing experiences when they got older. Sitting and watching babies play isn’t exciting in the least.

My view on all of this when they are super young is if you enjoy it, go for it! If like me, you'd rather go on a nice walk in the woods with a coffee shop stop then great, no kid ever missed out because at 6 months old they didn't go to swimming classes or whatever!

Champion.. Next weekend you pack up the dc's stuff and send them all off to soft play.. He wants Father Of The Year award let him crack right on...
Meanwhile you gather some relaxation time. Better equipped to deal with a prick when he gets back.

@Sarah202023 , I never went to softplay and neither did my DC.
He's probably had enough of going, and is trying to make you feel bad so that you go instead.

Ahhh this is what I needed, thank you!

he says I'm oversensitive, crazy, spiralling, overreacting, going crazy at him....I am literally none of these!
He's abusive, for sure.

Babies that age don't care about soft play or sensory classes. I went to all that stuff with mine because she was my first and I wanted to fill our days on maternity leave.

But if you've already got a good group of mum friends and are getting out most days then you don't need to do anything you don't want to!

Your baby is 6 months old!!

Would they even realise they’re at a soft play centre?

A 6 month old is happy playing in the front room.
Save the soft play for when they’re older and you’re trying to tire them out.

DH sounds like a twat.
If he thinks DC needs soft play, then he can take them himself.

Soft play at 6 months! But...why? Unless you're taking an older sibling ofcourse but just with a baby?
Anyway, tell your husband that it's great for kids to have a mum and a dad because each will do different things with them. I loved taking mine to the playground (sahm) while my husband wanted to commit suicide after 5 minutes so he never did that. He took the kids to zoo, basket-ball games, theatre, cinema- things he liked and that I wasn't so fond of. Me library, playgroups, pool, softplay, forest, playground, playdates etc. It's crazy to say that you bond with your child at softplay! It's just not true and I used to bring mine often when they were old enough to appreciate it and not get frightened by older boisterous kids . I would say that you bond with your child just by being with your child, spending time talking and interacting with them no matter if it's at home or outside. Your DH must have been in a shitty mode and he wanted to wind you up. Next time tell him how sweet it is with all the dads walking outside with their baby strapped in a babybjorn singing or talking to their child. How you could see the bonding process taking place and what a shame that DH doesn't do that 😉