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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to invite myself?

26 replies

somewhereupinthenorth · 18/03/2025 17:36

Background story. I met another mum during a class outside of school. Our kids used to go to different schools but I recently moved my DS into the same school as her DS.

When they were going to different schools, she mentioned she is part of a hobby group that meets up monthly. I also have interest in this hobby. Said club is organised by the parents of the school (but has nothing to do with the school itself). When she mentioned this club I told her I would love to join but she politely said it is only for parents of that school, which I understood and dropped it.

Well now, for completely different reasons, our sons go to the same school and, you might guess where this is going, I figured I could now join the hobby club. She even mentioned this when I told her I was moving my son, so I thought she would just invite me straightaway, but didn't.

I waited few weeks and then asked her directly if she could give me the details to join as I would love to, she replied yes, but its been couple of weeks and hasn't actually done anything.

The only reason why I haven't contacted another mum to ask about said club is because I still don't know them very well and I am usually very shy. But now I cannot keep thinking about it. Why won't she just invite me or asked me to join in the first place when I clearly expressed interest in joining?

She does not run the club, she is not the one making the decisions who can join or not. We are friendly and I haven't done anything to upset her.

I know people can be forgetful but still... I feel like I cannot keep asking her to do something she has no interest in doing.

Not sure what I am looking for here, maybe to vent a little bit, but what would you do? I am thinking of texting another mum and getting myself invited but I know feel like I am this pushy person desperately trying to join a group!

Anyway suggestions are appreciated, be kind please.

OP posts:
HoldingThePoisonDown · 18/03/2025 17:40

Is it their own group or a public activity? If it’s their own group I wouldn’t push to be invited, as if she wanted to invite you she would have given you the details already. If it’s a public group just Google the details and contact the organiser.

Poppyseeds79 · 18/03/2025 17:47

Just ask one of the mums you don't know as well. Potentially the mum you do know doesn't want to be basically the person bringing someone new into the group in case it doesn't work out.

Redpeach · 18/03/2025 17:50

Definitely invite yourself

Crocosmic · 18/03/2025 18:02

It's not clear whether this is an open group, or just something essentially closed run by people who know one another because they're all parents of children at the same school, and which is not looking for new members. I would assume the latter. I'd let it go.

I once tried to join something I thought was a village book club after I moved there, to discover that while it had originated some years earlier as an ad in the village newsletter, it had essentially become a private thing consisting of a group of friends who circulated around one another's houses for the meetings.

I didn't want to put the friend who was a member in an awkward position, so I dropped it. (Looking back, I think they thought that as I was an academic in Eng Lit I would choose more literary titles and want more book discussion and less boozy gossip...)

I'd assume something similar is the case here.

Gravytanned · 18/03/2025 18:07

Crocosmic · 18/03/2025 18:02

It's not clear whether this is an open group, or just something essentially closed run by people who know one another because they're all parents of children at the same school, and which is not looking for new members. I would assume the latter. I'd let it go.

I once tried to join something I thought was a village book club after I moved there, to discover that while it had originated some years earlier as an ad in the village newsletter, it had essentially become a private thing consisting of a group of friends who circulated around one another's houses for the meetings.

I didn't want to put the friend who was a member in an awkward position, so I dropped it. (Looking back, I think they thought that as I was an academic in Eng Lit I would choose more literary titles and want more book discussion and less boozy gossip...)

I'd assume something similar is the case here.

I agree. The nature of the group is important to know.
it might be they have enough members and don’t want to expand further and she knows this.

She could just be forgetful but it’s possible she’s trying to put you off for another reason. I’d want to have an idea of why before I invited myself as it could get awkward.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 18/03/2025 18:09

Crocosmic · 18/03/2025 18:02

It's not clear whether this is an open group, or just something essentially closed run by people who know one another because they're all parents of children at the same school, and which is not looking for new members. I would assume the latter. I'd let it go.

I once tried to join something I thought was a village book club after I moved there, to discover that while it had originated some years earlier as an ad in the village newsletter, it had essentially become a private thing consisting of a group of friends who circulated around one another's houses for the meetings.

I didn't want to put the friend who was a member in an awkward position, so I dropped it. (Looking back, I think they thought that as I was an academic in Eng Lit I would choose more literary titles and want more book discussion and less boozy gossip...)

I'd assume something similar is the case here.

Is this a school group, broadcast on class WhatsApps or whatever, or a group of friends who meet? Very different.

UndermyShoeJoe · 18/03/2025 18:11

It sounds like for whatever reason she doesn’t want you there.

Now is this group an open to anyone or is it just a few school mums who share a hobby and like each other.

Fountofwisdom · 18/03/2025 18:26

Are there no other opportunities locally to do this hobby? I would look into that.

For some reason she doesn’t want to give you the info. Some people are incredibly territorial about certain things and love having a bit of control : “I have info you want and I’m not going to give it to you”. I’ve known women like this.

Or, s as others have suggested, it’s actually a more of a social friendship group, in which case you really can’t just invite yourself.

Coconutter24 · 18/03/2025 18:31

She does not run the club, she is not the one making the decisions who can join or not.

This makes me think it’s a group open to everyone who has a child at that school and not a social group set up by friends to share their hobby? If that’s the case can you google details of who runs the group or do they have a facebook page or something?

5128gap · 18/03/2025 18:33

Well I think its fair to say she's not mad keen on you joining. Might just be she doesn't want you there enough to remember. Might be she actively doesn't want you there. Perhaps she feels you'd not gel with the group. Or has a good friend there she wants to focus on. Or thinks you'd do the hobby better than her. Or not to the required standard. Or you'll want lifts. Or she wants to keep her friends seperate. Personally I'd mention it one more time, then if she doesn't invite you assume she doesn't want you there, then decide if that matters enough not to contact the organiser yourself.

Holidayfix · 18/03/2025 18:34

I belong to an informal "hobby group". We're generally welcoming, but I wouldn't invite anyone new without talking to the group first

hopeishere · 18/03/2025 18:40

Is it a book club? They do tend to “gel” and having new people join risks shifting the dynamic hugely.

Is it actually linked to the school? Do you know where and when they meet? Or the name of the actual organiser?

somewhereupinthenorth · 18/03/2025 18:50

Thanks for your replies!

From the way she spoke about it I assumed it was an invitation extended to her when her DS started school. I can’t remember exactly how it was worded but I remember having the impression it was a club extended to everyone.

Hence why when I mentioned I was moving my son to that school, she was the one who said “oh! Now you can join the club!” Which I thought made it clear it was a club anyone could join.

She just never actually invited me. If she didn’t want me there why even bring it up again in the first place? Im so confused!

OP posts:
Holidayfix · 18/03/2025 18:53

somewhereupinthenorth · 18/03/2025 18:50

Thanks for your replies!

From the way she spoke about it I assumed it was an invitation extended to her when her DS started school. I can’t remember exactly how it was worded but I remember having the impression it was a club extended to everyone.

Hence why when I mentioned I was moving my son to that school, she was the one who said “oh! Now you can join the club!” Which I thought made it clear it was a club anyone could join.

She just never actually invited me. If she didn’t want me there why even bring it up again in the first place? Im so confused!

I'd have taken that as an invitation?

Poppyseeds79 · 18/03/2025 18:57

somewhereupinthenorth · 18/03/2025 18:50

Thanks for your replies!

From the way she spoke about it I assumed it was an invitation extended to her when her DS started school. I can’t remember exactly how it was worded but I remember having the impression it was a club extended to everyone.

Hence why when I mentioned I was moving my son to that school, she was the one who said “oh! Now you can join the club!” Which I thought made it clear it was a club anyone could join.

She just never actually invited me. If she didn’t want me there why even bring it up again in the first place? Im so confused!

Do you have her number? Just drop a message saying

'Hi, know you're probably busy right now but could you send me the group details as I'm wanting to join this week. Thanks'.

She can't leave you hanging if you do it like that.

DrummingMousWife · 18/03/2025 18:57

I wouldn’t just turn up. You have asked twice and been left hanging, you’ll look a bit desperate and stalky if you just rock up. Look to see if it’s in the school news- if it’s publicly advertised you can go, but this may be a small private group that have formed a club.

Onlyvisiting · 18/03/2025 19:00

somewhereupinthenorth · 18/03/2025 18:50

Thanks for your replies!

From the way she spoke about it I assumed it was an invitation extended to her when her DS started school. I can’t remember exactly how it was worded but I remember having the impression it was a club extended to everyone.

Hence why when I mentioned I was moving my son to that school, she was the one who said “oh! Now you can join the club!” Which I thought made it clear it was a club anyone could join.

She just never actually invited me. If she didn’t want me there why even bring it up again in the first place? Im so confused!

Given she isn't the organiser perhaps she's since found out she wasn't supposed to inviting extra people?
If it is an 'official' open group then there should be some info about it, online, like fb group or something? Some mention somewhere at least!
I'd guess it is an informal group of friend/acquaintances and isn't actually open to all parents and now she doesn't know how to tell you that so is just ignoring.

If it is an official group then contact the organiser!

coxesorangepippin · 18/03/2025 19:02

Is there a Facebook group for the club?

Or just message the group organiser

SparkyBlue · 18/03/2025 19:12

I'm dying to know what the club is now 😀😀😀. If I were you I'd contact one of the other mums. You can just say you are very interested in joining but not sure if there was an opening for someone new to join. You don't have to be pushy just let them know that you are genuinely interested.

somewhereupinthenorth · 18/03/2025 19:18

@Holidayfix well, I guess…. but I still need to know the details, which is why I asked more directly I wanted to join.

its like saying “let’s catch up soon” without following it up with an actual plan.

OP posts:
HenDoNot · 18/03/2025 19:23

Is it an official ‘open’ group with details online - Facebook, Instagram, local community social media pages, with details of when and where they meet up, etc?

Or just a closed group of friends, who are mums at the same school?

Moonnstars · 18/03/2025 19:26

Who actually runs the group? Is it publicised by the school anywhere? Or is it something that one mum set up themselves and it's just for their friends/people they know through school.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/03/2025 19:28

I’d leave it. If it’s not open in the sense that you can’t just show up and new members require an invitation from somebody then it sounds like a group of friends who meet to do a hobby and socialise and who aren’t looking for new friends. If you’re very shy, and the group is established, perhaps your acquaintance just doesn’t think you’ll be a good fit, or the dynamic will be weird. I’d find another proper open group for the hobby and join that instead.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/03/2025 19:55

Redpeach · 18/03/2025 17:50

Definitely invite yourself

She already did but the other mum being very forgetful or secretive

Poonu · 18/03/2025 22:08

I hope it's not this but maybe she was just being polite/ civil, making conversation and you've over exaggerated the friendship on your side.