Struggling with DS2's GF

[Eradu]

I have 2 DS, DS1 is 26 and DS2 25. In the last year they have both entered into new relationships. DS1's GF is delightful, she is chatty, kind, intelligent, very funny and she and DS seem like a perfect fit. DS2's GF on the other hand is very brash, rude and seems to be causing endless issues.

We have a family tradition of a weekend holiday every May, all the cousins, both sides of the family, it is lovely. We extended the invite to both GFs, DS1 GF replied thanking us for the invite but telling us she won't be able to make it as she is attending a sporting event with her own family that weekend, DS1 is still joining us. DS2 has informed us neither he or his GF will be joining us, when I asked why he said she doesn't want to and he doesn't want to cause an argument going away without her! This happened at Christmas too, DS2 told us last minute he wouldn't be joining us as she had gone in a huff about spending Christmas separately. Then they cancelled on us for New Years too (they had originally both been coming) as she decided she wanted a quiet night in and wanted him to stay with her. DS2 admitted after that he was quite upset about missing it but didn't want the argument.

Our boys birthdays are a week apart, so last month we took all of them out for dinner, at a lovely restaurant. DS1's GF was lovely, so chatty, polite, insisted on paying for the after dinner cocktails for everyone. DS2's girlfriend kept going on her phone and whispering to DS through the meal! DS2 then told us after that she didn't want to meet up with DS1 and his GF much as she finds DS1's GF intimidating. I don't really understand how this can be the case, yes she intelligent and absolutely gorgeous but she is one of the loveliest and funniest people I've ever met.

A week or so ago I met up with just the boys and DS1 said he could imagine his current GF being the "one", he spoke about how much they have in common, how supportive she is of his goals and how much he wants her to succeed too. They are so well matched, it makes sense. They are great together but also both very supportive of the other having a life of their own. DS2 then said he felt the same about his GF, as in he also feels she could be the "one". I was just pleasant about it but honestly the thought of her being a permanent part of our family fills me with dread, I imagine we would hardly see DS2 as she doesn't seem keen to share him and he is quite the people pleaser.

AIBU to be struggling with her? Should I mention my concerns to DS2 or should I just be quiet and hope it runs its course?

They're two completely different women that's all.

It doesn't sound as though DS2's GF likes the family very much, or perhaps she finds you all a bit full on.

I wouldn't say anything to him just in case it doesn't run its course.

It is so tricky, they have both had quiet GFs before and that has seemed totally different. I wouldn't mind if she just didn't want to join family events but it feels like she is stopping DS too. I know DS is a grown man and could say no I will go even if you don't want to, but it seems he is scared of an argument which doesn't seem healthy.

I think we may have it too good with DS1 GF, which might be blurring our view too.

I think we may have it too good with DS1 GF, which might be blurring our view too.

Possibly.

But also try not to put the other GF on too high a pedestal.

It's not fair on anyone and if they split up, you may end up more upset than your DS.

“Should I mention my concerns to DS2 or should I just be quiet and hope it runs its course?”

This is a difficult one. What does DS1 think of DS2’s GF? I said to my DC that they should listen to what their siblings think of their DPs because they know each other better than anyone and are of the same generation. If DS1 thinks she’s OK, I’d say nothing. Even if he has misgivings, though, it’s hard to know how to say something in a way that won’t cause offence. I’d be more inclined to pick up on things that DS2 doesn’t like, such as being deprived of both Christmas and NY with you, and say how disappointed you were that he couldn’t make either of them. I’d also be pointing out to DS2 that his GF is very much setting the agenda - eg not letting him go on a family holiday. We’ve all been young and in lurve, but DS2 needs to remember that it’s his family who will always be there for him.

It's possible that DS2s girlfriend is just not as confident as DS1s girlfriend and she has picked up on the fact that you seem to prefer her. If DS2 is going to allow his girlfriend to dictate when he can or can't see his family and will comply because he doesn't want an argument, that is down to him. Can you spend some time with just DS2 and his girlfriend and get to know her a bit better? She might be better in a one to one situation, especially if she feels overshadowed by the other girlfriend.

Maybe DS2 girlfriend thinks you’re a bit much. At age 25 - family holidays, really? And spending new years with ILs is hardly exciting at that age.
Absolutely no excuse for the rudeness but I can see why she finds you intimidating. I’m their age and I would absolutely not be coming on the family holiday, but I wouldn’t stop DP from going.

DS1 doesn't seem overly fond of her, they have met up a few times and DS1 claims she just sits on her phone, doesn't really chat and when she does speak it is usually to pass judgemental comments.
DS1's GF has only said nice things about her though and reckons she is just shy and not that confident around people she doesn't know well.

We have met up with just DS2 and his GF before, she is very quiet, sits on her phone a lot, she has to be asked into conversation with a "what do you think?" a lot, even then it is usually a short answer.

DS1's GF has only said nice things about her though and reckons she is just shy and not that confident around people she doesn't know well.

You need to listen to her.

She's the family outsider who can see with a fresh pair of eyes, how judgemental you and your family are being.

I'd never really seen it as too much, they have been together almost a year and both boys have brought previous GFs to the family weekend. I appreciate it may not be her thing though, but it upsets me DS isn't coming, he has never missed it before.

This is gonna come across a bit devils advocate - sorry!!! Dont mean to be horrible here, but having been the GF in a family like yours (it does sound lovely but my god is it stressful being the DIL), it can be a bit much.

Maybe DS1 girlfriend understands and secretly agrees (note she’s not coming in holiday either; but has been thoughtful enough to have an excuse!) I’m not going to lie, you’re being silly about the birthday meal and Christmas/New Year. A family birthday meal is very OTT for a grown adult - did you ask if he wanted to do this or celebrate his birthday another way? It all feels a bit “forced fun” in adulthood, fair enough as kids for something special but maybe they wanted to do something just them?
Ive never spent new year with even my own parents - I’d be out with friends or just me and DP! But that sounds like something my MIL would pull as well under wanting her family all together. It is lovely and I know you mean well but from the GF POV, it’s overbearing.
Christmas - Meh, sounds like she was rude here. DP and I spend Christmas separately and will probably do that until we are married.

The birthday meal wasn't on either of their birthdays, it was midweek between the two, they both did things separately too on the weekend of their actual birthdays, both with and without their respective GFs.

For new years we always host a Ceilidh, it is much more than just family, lots of friends and friends of our kids too, generally it is much enjoyed, however I appreciate that it isn't to everyones taste.

I don't think DS1's GF is just coming up with an excuse for the weekend away, she's going to the F1 in Monaco - I'd pick that over family holiday too!

You’ve got to try and remember, whilst a big family holiday, get together etc etc is good for you and fun, it’s not the same for the person who doesn’t know everyone. It can be a chore and especially for someone who doesn’t like social events.

I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel that way but it’s your comfort zone and not hers. I hate family get togethers with my DH side because it’s so much effort and I simply can’t be bothered so I say you go ahead but it’s a no from me. I’ve played the game of yes yes yes soo many times to please others and now I refuse. It’s no disrespect to them but it’s my time and I’ll decide how I spend it

If she makes him happy then his happiness is something for you to be happy about. It may not last anyway but I wouldn’t say anything because one year in and he’ll be in head over heels in love. Also if she is the one then she’s potentially going to be the mother to your grandchildren. Don’t say anything yet is my advice.

I was the introvert girlfriend of someone with a very outgoing family. It took them a while to adjust to me I think, especially my FIL. When we went to stay, sometimes I'd retreat to our bedroom to read, as I needed space, which he probably found rude. I liked them from the off, because they were so welcoming and hospitable, and the love they all had for each other was so nice. But I just couldn't manage it for long periods of time without taking some time out.

I never refused to go though, and I was never critical of anyone or anything. But I do have a bit of a resting bitch face, so me just being quiet might well have looked worse than it was to my FIL.

Basically Son 1s girlfriend is a hard act to follow for someone introverted, and I totally get why GF2 feels second best. And your your near-adoration for GF1 must come across pretty clearly. GF2 probably feels she can't compete.

To be honest I am sort of on your side with this, I would’ve said no to the holiday, New Years thing and also to Christmas. Bad behaviour at the birthday meal is a bit poor form though.
I detest events like this and I know some people love it and your heart is definitely in the right place! My ILs are terrible for spending the whole night talking about people I don’t know and barely ask me any questions - I am also autistic (but extroverted) so I shoehorn my way into their conversations which I don’t think they appreciate 😂 But I did used to try and this was my way of making conversations when I was at the early stage of the relationship!
But she could have just politely declined (as I do now 4 years in).
I think she sounds a bit rude but I think your expectations are too high here; you’ve had DS1 GF who you clearly share interests with. I don’t think she sounds normal, I don’t see any of my friends being so involved with their ILs! (Neither of them do but just for some perspective!) I think you have good intentions but are probably just a bit full on for her. Give it some time- they’ve really not been together very long.

See we wouldn't be bothered by this at all, both boys have had GFs like this, they were lovely.

It's more the fear from DS2 of causing an argument, simply by seeing us over her.

We haven't experienced this but DS1 told us when they went to the pub for rugby together recently, DS2's GF kept commenting to DS1's that drinking pints isn't very feminine and commented she wouldn't be seen dead in sports wear as she was wearing a rugby top and F1 hat! I guess it's the controlling side and rudeness that bothers us.

I was about to say this, I'm not a big family person and I struggle to be around people for long periods of time so this would be massively suffocating.

At 25 I wanted to spend holidays with my friends and partner, not my partner's family. The more I did things to cope, like escape to my phone, the more offended they got, even though it was the one thing preventing me exploding from everything being too much.

I think you should respect the fact your son likes her and try to understand her personally rather than trying to shoehorn her into endless family plans.

Have you suggested anything that just the four of you could do together that she would actually enjoy? Or even a girls date just the two of you.

Also, cut the things you're inviting her to, down to 2-3 a year.

And it's really unhelpful to be comparing the two girlfriends. You also have the problem that if DS1 splits up with her, you will be forever comparing her unfavourably to the new ones and create a similar situation.

My ex came from a family like yours and he used me as an excuse not to go to these things because he had always hated them (I didn't realise at the time). When we split they probably expected things to go back to what they were, he hasn't seen them in five years and I have.

DS1's gf thinks she's just shy, she's an outsider and understands. You also think the world of her so trust what she thinks.

You’ve got to try and remember, whilst a big family holiday, get together etc etc is good for you and fun, it’s not the same for the person who doesn’t know everyone. It can be a chore and especially for someone who doesn’t like social events.

That. And I've just read about the Ceilidh. I would have absolutely dreaded that.

I'm beginning to have sympathy for GF2. The phone thing is rude, but she's clearly much more introverted and finds the things you love absolutely excruciating for her. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you, it means that your fun is her nightmare.

I had the most wonderful PILs and we grew to love each other very much. And that was because, though I probably wasn't their ideal addition to the family in the early days, they were accepting of who I was and were consistently kind and warm to me. They're gone now, and I miss them enormously. Thank goodness they saw beyond my introversion.

Well whatever you think of her you need to keep it firmly to yourself because it’s really not your place to give an opinion on who your son dates. If he is happy with her then be happy for him and just do your best to try and get on with her. You’ll just push him even further away otherwise.

It's only been 1 year and he is only 25. I would not say anything negative about her to anyone, it would be hurtful to your son.

It will probably run it's course as they do not ultimately sound compatible.

Some GFs are like that. They get huffy about not spending time with BD, then he caves in to her sulks and doesn't go. I find this can the beginning of manipulation and control.

My DH’s family is bigger and more involved with each other than mine, and I haven’t always been on his family holidays, but the crucial difference is that I would never prevent DH from going (and taking the DDs if he wants to).

I’d be concerned about that aspect, that she seems to be stopping him attending when he might otherwise do so.

Not sure what to do except hope it doesn’t last!

They're different women with their own individual personalities and traits. It seems very unfair for you to try and compare them in the way you have.

You don't need to say anything as you aren't part of their relationship. Your son is making his choices, as he's entitled to do. Its unrealistic to expect nothing to ever change as people form lives and families of their own.

Your DS2 is clearly in an unhealthy relationship.

However, it's very hard to advise whether to mention anything to him or not. I've been the DIL that the mother of DS2 hates! She said something and it set off a nuclear explosion on the whole family. In my case, I wasn't rude, I was just shy and introverted, but I still went to family gatherings and very much enjoyed their company. The MIL didn't like me because I was too quiet and didn't tell her all of my private business and gossip. Anyway, we stayed together and got married but we are NC with his parents because of the way she blew her dislike up for me.

So I'd say tread very carefully!! In our case, our relationship wasn't unhealthy, so I'd be tempted to get your DS1 to talk to his brother about healthy relationships etc. such as he should be able to go to a family event even if his GF can't/won't attend, without getting into trouble from her. But he needs to be very tactful when addressing it. It's ok to spend time apart in relationships and the other one should be supportive of independent family time etc.

I'd be very careful if YOU were to say anything because it could drive him away if he really truly believes she's "the one". Christ, I hope he wakes up though before marrying her, he probably is just going with the flow, given how well DS1's relationship is going.

The GF2 does sound very rude and unpleasant as a GF to your son.