Struggling with DS2's GF

[Eradu]

I have 2 DS, DS1 is 26 and DS2 25. In the last year they have both entered into new relationships. DS1's GF is delightful, she is chatty, kind, intelligent, very funny and she and DS seem like a perfect fit. DS2's GF on the other hand is very brash, rude and seems to be causing endless issues.

We have a family tradition of a weekend holiday every May, all the cousins, both sides of the family, it is lovely. We extended the invite to both GFs, DS1 GF replied thanking us for the invite but telling us she won't be able to make it as she is attending a sporting event with her own family that weekend, DS1 is still joining us. DS2 has informed us neither he or his GF will be joining us, when I asked why he said she doesn't want to and he doesn't want to cause an argument going away without her! This happened at Christmas too, DS2 told us last minute he wouldn't be joining us as she had gone in a huff about spending Christmas separately. Then they cancelled on us for New Years too (they had originally both been coming) as she decided she wanted a quiet night in and wanted him to stay with her. DS2 admitted after that he was quite upset about missing it but didn't want the argument.

Our boys birthdays are a week apart, so last month we took all of them out for dinner, at a lovely restaurant. DS1's GF was lovely, so chatty, polite, insisted on paying for the after dinner cocktails for everyone. DS2's girlfriend kept going on her phone and whispering to DS through the meal! DS2 then told us after that she didn't want to meet up with DS1 and his GF much as she finds DS1's GF intimidating. I don't really understand how this can be the case, yes she intelligent and absolutely gorgeous but she is one of the loveliest and funniest people I've ever met.

A week or so ago I met up with just the boys and DS1 said he could imagine his current GF being the "one", he spoke about how much they have in common, how supportive she is of his goals and how much he wants her to succeed too. They are so well matched, it makes sense. They are great together but also both very supportive of the other having a life of their own. DS2 then said he felt the same about his GF, as in he also feels she could be the "one". I was just pleasant about it but honestly the thought of her being a permanent part of our family fills me with dread, I imagine we would hardly see DS2 as she doesn't seem keen to share him and he is quite the people pleaser.

AIBU to be struggling with her? Should I mention my concerns to DS2 or should I just be quiet and hope it runs its course?

I have 3 sons-I-L.

They are completely different as regards so many things: introvert/extrovert; enjoy family events and holidays/don't enjoy them; interests etc. etc.

They are themselves and each has fine qualities. I accept them for who they are.

DS1's girlfriend is your kind of person; DS2's less so. As long as he is happy with her then that is OK.

NB - Please do NOT talk with one son abut the other's GF!!!

An absolute no-no.

Ultimately, it is your son's choice who is dates, not yours. If you intervene or express negative views of her to him it will only cause tension. You honestly just need to let them get on with it. You don't have to be in a relationship with her - you have to see her at a few family events, that's all.

As others have said, your family obviously do a lot of big family events, which works for you but won't be everyone's cup of tea. You need to accept that.

Having been on the other side of this (my mom hasn't liked any of my partners) I have decided that, as long as they aren't abusive to her, I will do my best to accept and like any partners my daughter has in the future. It's just not worth causing a rift or upsetting people.

And maybe try not to show your adoration of DS1's GF too much when DS2 is around.....

If we assume there’s nothing more sinister going on (like she is controlling or whatever) i thinks it’s possible that she might not want to spend time with you because she feels like the black sheep compared to DS1’s GF. They are two different women and you are obviously bowled over by the other woman vs. appreciating them both for who they are. I’m willing to bet that it shows and doesn’t feel great to be the ‘lesser’ one.

Op she sounds like an introvert and is struggling around all these people and... Amazing gorgeous girlfriend no. 1

I suggest you try and do something just you your dh and them without the crowds and see how that goes and without it being an interrogation maybe ask her about herself etc..
So it's more special?

She sounds very shy

Is it that it would cause an argument with her, or is he using that as an excuse to avoid being the target of your ire because he doesn’t want to go?

It’s easy, and convenient, to make the outsider the villain.

I’m 35, been with my partner for 10 years and there’s no way I’m going on holiday with his family but also I would be fine with him going without me.

Being on her phone at dinner is really rude but loads of people do that these days

In my case, I wasn't rude, I was just shy and introverted, but I still went to family gatherings and very much enjoyed their company. The MIL didn't like me because I was too quiet and didn't tell her all of my private business and gossip. Anyway, we stayed together and got married but we are NC with his parents because of the way she blew her dislike up for me.

I have never understood why keeping one's own counsel is such a social problem for others. Just why?

Yes, this was the theme of the latest Waterloo Road episode.

Don’t play favourites. If this woman really is his one, the only person who is going to get hurt is you if you continue with your current attitude towards DS2 GF. Some people are just not as confident in social situations.

Your son obviously sees something in her

Absolutely don't say anything. There's nothing you could say anyway without making it sound like DS1 has picked a winner, and DS2 got the bad egg. All it'd do is upset everyone.

Yeah, I’d be concerned with her controlling side and rudeness too. I wonder what her family is like? Maybe they haven’t taught her social skills/have a very different lifestyle to your family… But she is an adult and should know how to behave.

She may well be quiet/introverted, but she’s happy to make rude comments? Nah, doesn’t fly for me. She sounds rude and uninterested.

I’d say to your son how disappointed you were that you don’t see him at Christmas, and remind him that he’s free to come to things by himself if his gf doesn’t want to.

Sounds like ds2 girlfriend is very shy and also likely very insecure about ds1 girlfriend. The sports clothes and beer jabs are not great and hopefully she was pulled up and hopefully was trying poorly to interact more

socially with your other son and his girlfriend. You have to remember the other girlfriend seems to actually think she’s nice and she has no family skin in the game.

There is however a reason your son dates her and appears to see her as possibly the one.

I must admit I’m the dil that’s really not that into the whole family trip stuff or new years at theirs and I’ll find an excuse to avoid as much as possibly. It to me just comes across as far too forced family fun which is personally boring to me, in fact his siblings partner falls asleep there.

My dh also wouldn’t go without me not because I force him to stay home but who knows how that actually comes across or how he verbalises that to his mother if it ever comes up.

OP what I'm getting is that you've fallen under the spell of DS1's GF & this is
diminishing your view of GF2. Stop comparing them (GF1 could be fake, she sounds too good to be true to me). Let things take their course. And stop with the forced huge family events. I'm an only child & when I met DH with his 3 siblings & massive Catholic family, I became even more of an introvert.

Thinking back on my twenties, and those of my friends, we didn’t go on holiday with parents or spend NYs with them. I don’t think your twenties are the time for this, before kids come along or term time only holidays are possible.

I definitely would not say anything to DS2 at the moment, and don’t discuss his relationship with your other son. You will cause a rift. Sit it out and stay present for your son if the relationship doesn’t work out.