To be upset at my wife for blaming me

[Mootaa]

my wife purchased a dress for her friend's party - I didn't go. At the party a few people commented that the dress was abit unflattering.

Last night, she told me this and blamed me for not telling her when she purchased the dress.

I didn't say anything but I felt furious with her. It was a throwaway comment on her part but, to me, it's another example of how everything is my fault, and the ease at how she say thoughtless things without consideration for other people's feelings.

There are a number of things going on in our life that I am dealing with and I just didn't need another comment from her.

I won't say anything to her because it will cause an argument but am I being reasonable to be upset by her.

The thing is that posters always claim there's this "double standard" but it's not true. Women are as likely to be attacked as men .

What DOES happen, however, is that a post like this has some additional little hints that maybe things aren't QUITE like they seem. Your example says "one of his mates" laughed at his shirt and "he had a go at me".

But OP claims that his/her wife had
a) MULTIPLE people comment. This suggests that there's a much bigger issue here and that the DW might be feeling particularly vulnerable as it's either a bunch of very rude people or it's something like a bunch of annoying female relatives who like to "tell it like it is" or some bullshit.

b) that the wife told him/her what happened and "blamed" him/her. Which is, frankly, much more vague than "had a go at me".

So if the OP's wife DID get lots of comments and DID truly blame OP, then of course it's not okay and lots of people have highlighted that. But quite a few of us have also picked up on the oddness of this one and wondered if there's something a bit more nuanced going on.

But if you told her it was unflattering that would probably have been your fault to. She bought the dress and could see what she looked like. It sounds like she should spend time with nicer people and maybe the real issue is frustration! But it’s her problem.

Go on then Poirot, what did happen?

Oh pull the other one.

If a woman posted this exact scenario, nobody would be nitpicking about the phrasing, or twisting themselves into knots to somehow blame OP.

There would be a resounding cry of LTB, and rightly so.

Aaah, but we can feel empathy for a woman who has had multiple people tell her that her dress is unflattering.

And frankly, I'd feel empathy for a man in the same situation. My response would be. "why were people being so rude - was he actually looking for reassurance from you."

I've been on too many threads just like this over the years and if the OP comes back, a whole lot more comes out.

I've also been on loads of threads posted by men where they have been told, rightly, that their female partners are behaving appallingly and they should leave/ refuse to engage further, protect their children etc.

Throw this one back. Plenty of fish in the sea.

If there had been something structurally wrong with the dress - maybe a flaw that people could easily see from the back, and she could not see - then I'd understand her being irritated or disappointed that you didn't notice and point it out to her. If the comments that it's unflattering are subjective - maybe her friends thought it was too flashy or too dowdy for your wife specifically? - then I think the friends were probably rude.

Either way, all you can do is tell her you thought the dress looked fine, nice, etc. on her (whatever you actually thought) and therefore there was nothing to tell her. (And do tell her if you think it looks good - her friends' opinions aren't the only ones, and she may be feeling disproportionately bad about those remarks when there's no reason to). Maybe she wants you to take a more active role in discussing her clothing purchases/choices and I guess you can offer to do that more in the future if you're able.

If she's still expressing anger with you after that discussion, I'd guess she's angry about something besides the dress.

Nah just double standards

She's lying to cause an argument or the OP is made up.

Don't exactly need to be Poirot 🫤

Or the OP has left out LOADS of context.

I think you are being unreasonable because you said you "didn't say anything, but..."

If she gets into a habit with you that you don't like and you never say anything but, whose fault is it that it continues?

Nah, no way did that happen. She's making it up to cause an argument.

Of course she's making it up.
Either that or she needs to learn how to dress herself in a manner that's flattering..

Often when asked for an opinion you're really asking for confirmation that that you've made a good decision. A negative response can be seen as an attack on your judgement and cause friction.

It sounds like such a weird thing for people to say at a party… are you sure people actually said this to her? And if it was really said, is the person who said it maybe someone who is known for making cruel unkind comments? IF it’s true that someone /numerous people told your wife that her dress was unflattering, it’s unfair for her to blame you. She bought the dress, surely she was happy with it? You already wrote that you thought it was fine. Does your wife lack confidence? Surely she could just have said, “well I like it!”. Or is she saying it to you just to be mean? I would wonder how much of this is actually true and why your wife feels it’s your fault, and why she even cares what those people think.

My guess is she, for what ever reason was a little uncomfortable in the dress when she got there and asked peoples opinion on her dress ie “i’m not too sure about this dress now that i’m wearing it, honestly, does it look ok?”
and someone has said something about it after being asked.
I can’t think that any of my really good friends would just walk up to me and say “Hey lessglittermoremud, that dress is so unflattering, where did you get it?” Or anyone else for the matter because it’s so rude!
I tend not to ask my DH about clothes because he’s one of those truly lovely people who thinks I look great wearing anything, it would have to be the most hideous thing ever for him to even question it, and then he’d probably only mention it if asked not just blurt out it was awful.
We’ve all worn a questionable outfit at some point, it’s not like anyone made her wear it so I don’t really see how it’s your fault, unless she asked you before she left for your opinion, you thought it looked abit ropey but then didn’t say anything, but even then it’s her outfit, her choice.

I once bought a dress and it made me look the same shape as SpongeBob SquarePants. Honestly.

How did I know?

I looked in the fucking mirror.

Shame your wife didn't do the same.

YANBU OP

Ask my DP and he'll tell you the truth be it me or anyone else. Is that what you want? Some women need to grow up, get some backbone and stop being passive-aggressive.

He said he didn’t go, that isn’t the same as not invited.

You are not being unreasonable

1. you didn't think It was unflattering.
2. I'm sure if you didn't think it was flattering and told her I'm pretty sure it would have gone down like a lead balloon.
3. she's a grown woman, she shouldn't need to be told how to dress.
4. with "friends" like that who needs enemies?

I don't believe what she said is true.

Even if it is, she's sound hard work.

Are there no mirrors in your house? She ought to know if she looks good or not.
I know immediately if I dont look good in something.
All you can say is well I thought you looked great in that but I'd appreciate it if you stopped blaming me for everything.