To be upset at my wife for blaming me

[Mootaa]

my wife purchased a dress for her friend's party - I didn't go. At the party a few people commented that the dress was abit unflattering.

Last night, she told me this and blamed me for not telling her when she purchased the dress.

I didn't say anything but I felt furious with her. It was a throwaway comment on her part but, to me, it's another example of how everything is my fault, and the ease at how she say thoughtless things without consideration for other people's feelings.

There are a number of things going on in our life that I am dealing with and I just didn't need another comment from her.

I won't say anything to her because it will cause an argument but am I being reasonable to be upset by her.

This is a great video!

Not really , people are very blunt these days .

Wait, what????? Who the hell are these people who told her the dress was unflattering? I dont believe it. I think she later regretted her choice, and decided to blame you. I do not believe under any circumstance that "a few people" said that to her. Not unless her mother and her other two mothers were there.

People she knew at the party? That wasn't a very nice thing for them to say. Did she ask for their opinion? If so, maybe she needs to learn not to. If she likes the dress then wear the dress.

Her anger is misplaced.

She needs better friends, you need a better wife.

It is unreasonable of you not to want to engage her in conversation about how you feel about it - it sounds like you both have an issue communicating with each other. The questions, do you want to work on it?

Keep a note of all the incidences when she does this in a little book somewhere. But be honest recording the exact words. See over a period of time how many there are and if you feel about them the same as you do now. Difficult times can make us feel more vulnerable and also other people see things differently. Have you sat down with her and explained how you feel in a gentle and comfortable situation? I think women often fear that men will shoot off and start shouting, then storm out and go down the pub, or worse still into the arms of someone else. If you can be totally honest, calm, and open, if she does not support you or understand, I would reassess the relationship. You are allowed to be supported and open, but it is a trigger reaction that some people get nasty when confronted. Good luck!

@Mootaa your wife is feeling shitty and she needs reassurance from you that she is still beautiful. That's what she was looking for with her comment. She didn't really believe you sabotaged her. She just felt that you didn't care and that she wasn't worth your notice combined with someone else making her feel even worse.

Yes, the comment was unkind and was fuel on the fire but you are both not communicating your needs to each other and this is how relationships crack and break.

She needs assurance and to feel wanted and loved. You need to feel valid, secure and that you are also wanted and loved. Sit down with her and talk it out or go get marriage therapy before the relationship is beyond repair.

Is she generally not confident about how she looks? Surely if she liked the dress enough to wear it the obvious answer to anyone criticising it would be a cheery 'well i like it, so sod off.'

Absolutely ridiculous - sounds like a cultural issue i.e insular community where people enjoy making catty remarks about each other plus, comparing jewellery, handbags, husbands jobs, cars etc. One day you're the Butt, next day you cackle as you take it out on someone else whilst cringing at joining the clique.

I was going to say, I’m willing to bet, one of the people commenting would have been her mother, and the others would have been various family members - sisters, aunties, cousins..

It’s probably because she was there alone fending off nasty comments. What have you got going on that meant you couldn’t accompany your wife? Is she feeling neglectful or lonely?

I haven’t voted because there’s too many unanswered questions and it’s all too vague.

Maybe he wasn't invited?

Cut her some slack for not having a pop at the ride people, but having a pop at her DH?

Why?

Maybe he was looking after the DC?

Maybe he didn’t get an invite?

Maybe he didn’t want to go?

Maybe, you’re trying to somehow blame him because he’s a man?

Who the hell are these people who felt it was ok to tell someone else that her dress was unflattering? If it’s one ignorant person maybe, but several people? Hard to believe. I think your wife decided for herself that she didn’t like the dress and this was her way at putting the blame on you.

my wife purchased a dress for her friend's party - I didn't go. At the party a few people commented that the dress was abit unflattering.

Isn't she mad at them for being unpardonably rude?

Not to me they're not!

What a bizarre thing to focus on. Do you have a man 'accompany' you wherever you go?

Perhaps OP was working, looking after children, out with their own friends, or wasn't invited?

Unless it was a children’s party and kids said it or it was a gathering of some Real Housewives I find it hard to believe adults at a party would volunteer this opinion unless she specifically asked them to tell the truth.

I agree with everyone else - how on earth did she get MULTIPLE unflattering comments on the dress? I just have not seen that before. So unless there's more to this story?

Last night, she told me this and blamed me for not telling her when she purchased the dress.

This statement is too ambiguous. Did she really blame you? You also said it was a throwaway comment so did she say, "argh, I wish you'd said something - apparently my dress was so unflattering" when really what she was looking forw as reassurance from you that the dress was lovely and her friends are MEAN?

Or was she genuinely pissed off with you?

You are coming across like a vicrim but it's very hard to tell from this if you really are one or if you're feeling unhappy and so over reacting to non-events.

Some of the double standards on this thread are as eye rollingly predictable as ever.

"Last night my DH came home from a party and had a go at me because one of his mates laughed at his shirt. He said it was my fault for letting him buy it in the first place."

Of course, YANBU OP. If people weren't presuming you're a man then the vote would be overwhelmingly in your favour.

What she buys and wears us her responsibility. Presumably she did look in a mirror before she bought ut/wore it ... if not that's her problem not yours

I do not believe for one minute that several people came up to your wife and told her her dress was unflattering.

Didn't happen.

Does it matter?? She owns a mirror and god knows we call men who give negative feedback on how we look ‘controlling’ and ‘red flags’. She’s an adult, the decision to wear it (and have shit friends) is on her.