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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To offer to pay?

50 replies

Ifiwerea · 17/03/2025 20:42

I’m lucky to be financially comfortable due to some inheritance and a good job. I do have a lot of expenses though as the kids are at private schools plus I have a huge mortgage, so I still need to watch my spending.

OH (not the kids dad) recently left his job to start his own business. He’s got money in the bank but is really trying not to spend. On the other hand is kids are grown up and he has no mortgage, so barely any expenses.

My ex took massive advantage of me financially and I always swore I’d never be so generous with a man again. OH and I split everything 50/50.

I’ve been invited to a family wedding in my
home country. OH hasn’t met my family yet and I’d love him to come.

He’s outright said no. He can’t afford that kind of expenditure right now.

In past relationships I’d have immediately offered to pay. I’ve really been trying not to do that in this relationship. It never ends with either party feeling good and worst case I end up taken advantage of. I just don’t want to get into that habit again.

I’d absolutely love for him to come though.

AIBU to offer to pay, given it’s my family and my idea, so it doesn’t feel unreasonable to offer.

OP posts:
TheAmusedQuail · 17/03/2025 20:45

Don't offer! It's a slippery slope.

As you've said, he could afford it. He's choosing not to. Which in itself is a red flat.

Don't go down that route again!

User5274959 · 17/03/2025 20:45

I mean... I know you're coming at it with bad experiences in the past. But yes if you'd like him there and you can afford it and he can't... then yes I would assume you offer to pay.

MeridaBrave · 17/03/2025 20:47

It’s your family so it depends if you want him to go. I can see why he doesn’t want to spend money on this…

amele · 17/03/2025 20:48

I’d say in this scenario, offer to pay as you’d like for him to meet your family. However once there, will there be further expenditure that you’d have to cover for both of you that may make you feel like ur being taken advantage of? I think it also depends on what kind of relationship you have with your now dh, is he the type to take advantage, would he pay for you if it was the other way round?

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 17/03/2025 20:53

TheAmusedQuail · 17/03/2025 20:45

Don't offer! It's a slippery slope.

As you've said, he could afford it. He's choosing not to. Which in itself is a red flat.

Don't go down that route again!

I would see it as more of a red flag if he was spending money unnecessarily when he’s left his job to start his own business.

DenholmElliot11 · 17/03/2025 20:53

How much you talking about

RatedDoingMagic · 17/03/2025 20:56

No don't. He has the money but this isn't a priority for him. Let him meet family members as and when they come to where you&he live. Don't go down this slippery slope.

BobbyBiscuits · 17/03/2025 20:59

It's sensible for him to say he can't afford it. He's literally quit a salaried job to start up on his own. He won't make profit for ages even if successful.
I'd just say that's cool. I'm going.

SometimesCalmPerson · 17/03/2025 21:01

I think it’s fine to pay for him if you want to take him to visit your family.

Moonnstars · 17/03/2025 21:01

Does he actually want to go? You say you would really like him to go, but I wonder if he is using money as an excuse to avoid it as he isn't interested (he has money in the bank which he could use if he really wanted to).

lollynip · 17/03/2025 21:13

How long have you been with him?

GoodOldTrayBake · 17/03/2025 21:17

Accept his decision and go on your own. Don’t pay and don’t force him to spend his money.

Coconutter24 · 17/03/2025 21:27

Quite sensible really to not want to spend money on a holiday when he has just left employment to set up on his own, yes he has money in the bank but if he’s setting up a business that will go down very quickly especially if he isn’t earning straight away. He might even earn straight away but the sensible thing to do is not to spend until you have ‘free’ money.

Happyears · 17/03/2025 21:29

You want him to come so it's not unreasonable to offer to pay for the travel. Doesn't sound like a slippery slope because most of the time the main question will be, do you both want to do something.

NewtonsCradle · 17/03/2025 21:32

He won't want to meet your family until he feels his business is successful. Go by yourself this time but talk him up to your family. Go back when he is in a better financial situation and he can afford his tickets.

Loub1987 · 17/03/2025 21:37

I personally think if you want him to meet your family then you should pay for the tickets. He has honestly told you he can’t afford it, he is not asking for you to do so and it’s also not a holiday.

If you want him there pay, if you aren’t bothered don’t. Sounds like it’s not a big deal to him.

CarpetKnees · 17/03/2025 22:14

Like a pp, it might not just be about money.

How long have you been together ?
Have you thought that he might not want to fly to a foreign country to meet all your family in one go ?

Setting that aside, it seems sensible to me that he is keeping tight reins on his money until his business takes off. It also therefore seems sensible to me that you should offer to pay, if you really want him to go.

WonkyDonkeyWonkeyDonkey · 17/03/2025 22:35

How long have you been together? It sounds like a lot of pressure.

A family wedding in another country where he will be meeting your whole family for the first time. I wouldn’t do it on those grounds alone.

OldCottageGreenhouse · 17/03/2025 22:41

RatedDoingMagic · 17/03/2025 20:56

No don't. He has the money but this isn't a priority for him. Let him meet family members as and when they come to where you&he live. Don't go down this slippery slope.

This. Do not do it!

Original poster
Ifiwerea · 18/03/2025 07:02

WonkyDonkeyWonkeyDonkey · 17/03/2025 22:35

How long have you been together? It sounds like a lot of pressure.

A family wedding in another country where he will be meeting your whole family for the first time. I wouldn’t do it on those grounds alone.

6 months but I have already been to a family wedding with him! His family, I mean.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 18/03/2025 07:07

Ifiwerea · 18/03/2025 07:02

6 months but I have already been to a family wedding with him! His family, I mean.

Show quote history

6 months! No, don't pay. He's got money, he just doesn't want to use it for this purpose which in itself is food for thought.

theresbeautyinwindysun · 18/03/2025 07:10

There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to spend money on a wedding abroad when you are in the process of starting up your own business. Hate how some posters are twisting this into meaning he doesn’t value you.

Original poster
Ifiwerea · 18/03/2025 07:20

theresbeautyinwindysun · 18/03/2025 07:10

There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to spend money on a wedding abroad when you are in the process of starting up your own business. Hate how some posters are twisting this into meaning he doesn’t value you.

I agree I don’t see it as insulting. He’s saving carefully and it won’t be an inexpensive trip.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 18/03/2025 07:29

If you're already repeating old habits after 6 months I'm not sure you're even ready to be in a healthy relationship yet.

Do what you like but you'll be setting a president that you're happy to foot the bill when he doesn't want to.

Comewhatmay25 · 18/03/2025 07:29

My partners family lives in another country and he always pays for my tickets to visit them. I wouldn't be going to that place if it wasn't to meet his family and its definitely not a relaxing holiday that I would choose to spend my limited holiday budget on.
But equally I'm happy not to go and he can go alone, so he can weigh that up. And usually he goes a couple times a year and I will join just once.

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