To offer to pay?

[Ifiwerea]

I’m lucky to be financially comfortable due to some inheritance and a good job. I do have a lot of expenses though as the kids are at private schools plus I have a huge mortgage, so I still need to watch my spending.

OH (not the kids dad) recently left his job to start his own business. He’s got money in the bank but is really trying not to spend. On the other hand is kids are grown up and he has no mortgage, so barely any expenses.

My ex took massive advantage of me financially and I always swore I’d never be so generous with a man again. OH and I split everything 50/50.

I’ve been invited to a family wedding in my
home country. OH hasn’t met my family yet and I’d love him to come.

He’s outright said no. He can’t afford that kind of expenditure right now.

In past relationships I’d have immediately offered to pay. I’ve really been trying not to do that in this relationship. It never ends with either party feeling good and worst case I end up taken advantage of. I just don’t want to get into that habit again.

I’d absolutely love for him to come though.

AIBU to offer to pay, given it’s my family and my idea, so it doesn’t feel unreasonable to offer.

Can you make it a birthday present?

Don’t do it. Start as you mean to go on.

He would be irresponsible to spend savings/safety net before his business is successful so makes sense he said no. If you can afford it i would definitely offer to pay.

If he starts expecting you to pay for things that is a seperate issue that can be addresses if it happens.

Ok now I have seen your 2nd thread about this man.

He is not that in to you.

You have only been seeing him for six months

To him you are "A woman I have been on a few dates with" and yet you are posting about him using "OH" (other half)!

Get a grip. I think you need to be single for a bit and stop focusing on fantasising that a casual relationship is The Real Thing. Focus on your self, your children, your hobbies.

When you return to dating have a realistic approach and don't start thinking of him as your life partner/other half until it's clear that he also has that kind of feelings about you.

Sounds like it could be an excuse if it was an outright no.

This does not reflect him or our relationship at all. That one post is one tiny aspect of a much bigger picture, in which he is extremely committed.

Sorry but your other thread about him makes it clear that you are NOT in an established relationship with this man, and that there are already red flags flying.

Do not offer to pay for this trip, and back off him! If he wants you, he’ll show you.
At the moment his attitude and actions suggest he’s not that into you.

This is not a committed relationship. You’ve only been going out for 6 months. I wouldn’t pay to go to a boyfriend’s family’s wedding abroad after such a short time, especially if I’m trying to cut my cloth.

This clearly isn't a priority to him. Throw the whole man away!

You simply do not get to "extremely committed" in the first six months of a relationship. You are still in the rose-tinted-spectacles honeymoon phase. Your perimeno hormones are guving you big Lwaxana Troi energy. Taking a new boyfriend to a family wedding is always a big mistake - and for decades after the wedding photos have a "Who's that random bloke next to Aunty Ifiwerea?" "Oh that was her boyfriend at the time, can't remember his name, not sure why he was there" vibe.

If my relative brought their jobless boyfriend of 6 months, who they had to pay for to be there, along to a family wedding there’d be raised eyebrows to say the least.

Are you going to have to buy him something to wear too?

I think it’s fine to treat someone to something they can’t afford now and again. But bringing a brand new boyfriend to a family event that he doesn’t sound excited to attend sounds like a terrible idea.

Behave OP. Nobody is "extremely committed" after only 6 months.

I really don't think you're in the right place to be in a relationship right now as you're leaving yourself wide open to being exploited again.

How long did you spend on yourself after your previous relationship?

Agree with this - you are only dating after 6 months - not in a committed relationship

6 months?
Absolutely not.
Accept that the wedding is not a priority.
You are innhuge danger of repeating the mistakes you have previously made.

Keep finances 100% separate with this man you have barely met.

There is a reason some women get done over on a loop by men.
Make better decisions and stick to them.

He is a boyfriend of 6 months.
Stop trying to buy his company.
He has said it isn't a priority.
Accept that and keep your money in yoir pocket.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk as it sounds as if you are very needy and cannot accept No.

This behaviour pattern is not in your childrens best interests.
Good luck.

If he was that into you he'd want to come to the big family wedding and meet your family. He's not that into you.

I have to disagree with @BigDahliaFan
I just think only 6 months in, it is a BIG ask to go abroad, to spend several days meeting the whole family, when you are just in the 'getting to know each other' stage.

Haven't read the other thread but I don't think he is being unreasonable to not want to spend a substantial chunk of money for travel to wedding of your family member.

In the first year of seeing my husband he told me his mum (she was from the US but we all lived in the UK) was organising a family reunion for a few months time and wanted him to go and I was invited too. It eas made to sound like she was treating us at first (she was very well off) but it emerged we were expected to pay our own travel and accommodation but join in with a full week of planned activities. He expected me to pay my share.

My view was that whilst I'm not a golddigger I didn't want to spend a large amount of money and a chunk of annual leave on a holiday and activities that someone else had chosen. Money was really tight for me and I would have had to save for months.

So I suppose it comes down to whether you want him to come enough to offer to pay for the benefit of his company. Do you think he'd do the same for you? That will probably give you the answer. On balance you should probably go alone.

I changed my vote from YANBU to YABU when I saw you have only been together 6 months.

Way too soon to splash out big expense for him.

Plenty of time to introduce him to family in the future. Fine if they loved round the corner, it would be easy to introduce your new boyfriend.

To be honest I think it would look a bit keen / pushy / possibly desperate to pay out significant ££ to take him.

You no that old story about giving an inch. It applies here. Don’t start

He sounds sensible, he's left a salaried job to set up his own business and it takes time to build that up. You've only been together 6 months!

If you really would love him to go, then offer to pay but like you said you've done that before and its never worked out and you've felt taken advantage of. I think it would also be putting pressure on him to end up spending money he doesn't want to spend (food, drink etc when your there) and I think thats unfair. Just go alone.

and why the hell should it be? They have been together 6 months and he is trying to start his own business.