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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't understand men

44 replies

Isitme27 · 17/03/2025 20:19

Had a good date. He said he wanted to see me again. Sent a very enthusiastic message about meeting again. But he's going away for 2 weeks in 10 days and says he won't be free until he gets back. Surely if you were interested you would make time in those 10 days?? Makes me think of the old "he's just not that into you"

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitme27 · 17/03/2025 20:23

Feeling deflated tonight.

OP posts:
Daisy12Maisie · 17/03/2025 20:47

Yes even if he was working 60 hrs a week and had 4 prior commitments eg friends birthday, mum and dads wedding anniversary, work function and uni reunion there would still be a spare hour in ten days.
unless you live 4 hrs away from each other. There would be time to go for a walk or a coffee. Unless he has children that live with him all/ the majority of the time?
why don’t you say I had a great time to. Any chance we could meet for a coffee before your holiday?

Mellivora · 17/03/2025 21:24

DS has been dating online for about 3 months. He has a busy job doing shift work, studying, friends and plays football. He has now gone exclusive with one woman after 7 dates done over the last 4 weeks. He really put himself out a couple of times because he really liked her. I haven’t been on a date for 28 years but Mr Mellivora made it very obvious and again put himself out so we could meet up. You shouldn’t have to second guess.

madaffodil · 17/03/2025 21:32

Who's he going away with?

ShouldIEvenBother · 17/03/2025 21:32

It's the adage: "If he wanted to, he would".

I would let this one go OP - it sounds like he's benching you.

You may feel better if you take control of the situation and tell him you don't feel that this is the match you're hoping to find. 💐

Anchorage56 · 17/03/2025 21:33

How far away do you live from him?

BatchCookBabe · 17/03/2025 21:34

Yep, he's not that into you sorry @Isitme27

He's playing the 'treat them mean, keep them keen' game.

Pathetic.

Throw this one back.

He is not too busy to see you. He simply CBA.

Chromaover · 17/03/2025 22:53

Hm depends. So let's think. 10 days. He might not want to do something the night before he goes away - fair. He might not be ready to do something tomorrow. That leaves eight days (nights?) to play with. If I look at the eight days I have after tomorrow I have plans on six of those days/evenings. Maybe he's factoring in some down/chores time?

As a woman I would not be bending over backwards to see a man if I already had a fairly busy schedule who id only met once. I would however say I'd really like to see him once I came back.

I'd see. Not everyone has endless free time and if they're anything like me they plan lots of stuff in in advance especially if they're free and single, which he is.

Early days.

Ace56 · 17/03/2025 22:59

Yes I think I’d maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and not be too put out about not seeing him in the next 10 days. However I’d be monitoring the contact he gives you both then and also while he’s away…is he keeping in regular contact? Is he interested to know how you are, is he clearly trying to keep up a connection?

If so, then I’d also expect him to plan to see you when he’s back. Leave the ball in his court. If he doesn’t make plans to see you then you have your answer.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 17/03/2025 23:01

Sort of depends on the details:
We are coming up to the end of the first quarter and maybe he has numbers to meet before an important business trip.
He could be an aid worker and preparing to leave for a war zone or deadly disease zone in 10 days for 2 weeks.

Or
Organising a stag do followed by jetting off to destination wedding

Or
Has a court date in 10days and expects a very short sentence

The possibilities are only limited by your imagination. You won’t know unless you ask….I am a blunt person and would be asking questions.

Chromaover · 17/03/2025 23:02

Ace56 · 17/03/2025 22:59

Yes I think I’d maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and not be too put out about not seeing him in the next 10 days. However I’d be monitoring the contact he gives you both then and also while he’s away…is he keeping in regular contact? Is he interested to know how you are, is he clearly trying to keep up a connection?

If so, then I’d also expect him to plan to see you when he’s back. Leave the ball in his court. If he doesn’t make plans to see you then you have your answer.

You see for me I would not expect regular contact from a date I had met ONCE especially if they've told you they're busy and then going away.

I hate this expectation and find it deeply odd putting.

Op see how things go. If you start seeing each other regularly you can have a conversation about the kind of contact that works for you both.

stuckdownahole · 17/03/2025 23:44

I don't think this is gender specific behaviour. You had a nice date with him, and he feels sufficiently positive to want to meet up again but not so excited that he will rearrange his schedule for the chance to see you again before he goes away.

Best case scenario = he quite likes you and if you take your time, the situation may develop.

Worst case scenario = he isn't who he says, he's already involved, and his busy life and travelling are a cover story. This is only an option if it's an Internet date obviously as if you know him through friends or work you can verify the story.

LoztWorld · 17/03/2025 23:50

I don’t think this is a man thing. Would you wait 3+ weeks for a second date with someone you were really excited about? Well neither would a man.

I know how rubbish it feels, though - been there, done that (plenty). It’s a numbers game though, so if you can find the will to keep going, then do.

Circumferences · 17/03/2025 23:56

On the other hand, he might just be an introvert who takes a while and doesn't think it's a big deal to leave three weeks between the first and second date.
He might warm up.

BlondiePortz · 18/03/2025 00:01

BatchCookBabe · 17/03/2025 21:34

Yep, he's not that into you sorry @Isitme27

He's playing the 'treat them mean, keep them keen' game.

Pathetic.

Throw this one back.

He is not too busy to see you. He simply CBA.

Or he could just have other plans why do people need to be so dramatic, 'oh it's a man there has to be some secret conspiracy going on'

BlondiePortz · 18/03/2025 00:01

BatchCookBabe · 17/03/2025 21:34

Yep, he's not that into you sorry @Isitme27

He's playing the 'treat them mean, keep them keen' game.

Pathetic.

Throw this one back.

He is not too busy to see you. He simply CBA.

Or he could just have other plans why do people need to be so dramatic, 'oh it's a man there has to be some secret conspiracy going on'

JadedVeryJaded · 18/03/2025 00:03

Sorry but the “I am going away for two weeks “ line means that he wants you to keep hanging around while he checks out the other matches on his dating app. I’d throw him back too. Sorry. It sucks.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 18/03/2025 00:09

I'm 50 and have no time for this nonsense. Forget him and move on.

I've just deleted a man I was chatting with on a dating app, because I asked him twice to upload photos and he replied to me about other things but twice ignored my request. Firstly, I'm not wasting my time chatting to someone with no face, but more importantly, ignoring my request twice is a massive red flag. Having been married before to a contemptuous man who thought women were his inferior, I'm not up for another round of pushing water uphill.

I think the world has relationships the wrong way round. The default is to be partnered. But we should be single unless the somewhat-unlikely event occurs where someone you really fancy comes along who feels the same and who also makes the whole thing easy.

Still, I suppose partnership is the default because of raising kids.

GiroJim100 · 18/03/2025 00:20

JadedVeryJaded · 18/03/2025 00:03

Sorry but the “I am going away for two weeks “ line means that he wants you to keep hanging around while he checks out the other matches on his dating app. I’d throw him back too. Sorry. It sucks.

Alternatively it means he’s going away for 2 weeks which he clearly is.

He’s probably just very busy with work or other previously arranged engagements in the run-up to going away. If there is little contact over the coming 3 weeks then maybe it isn’t meant to be. If I were you though OP I really wouldn’t listen to some of the over-melodramatic ‘advice’ on here though and just dismiss this out of hand. It clearly sounds like you had a good first date. See how things play out.

Ace56 · 18/03/2025 09:00

Chromaover · 17/03/2025 23:02

You see for me I would not expect regular contact from a date I had met ONCE especially if they've told you they're busy and then going away.

I hate this expectation and find it deeply odd putting.

Op see how things go. If you start seeing each other regularly you can have a conversation about the kind of contact that works for you both.

Show quote history

But regular contact doesn’t have to mean all day every day. It could be one message a day. If someone is interested/likes you then they’ll want to keep up a connection, even when they’re away. If a man can go 3 weeks without contacting you once, sorry but they’re not interested.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 18/03/2025 09:13

LoztWorld · 17/03/2025 23:50

I don’t think this is a man thing. Would you wait 3+ weeks for a second date with someone you were really excited about? Well neither would a man.

I know how rubbish it feels, though - been there, done that (plenty). It’s a numbers game though, so if you can find the will to keep going, then do.

Depends on whether I’m going away for work and am super busy or not.

I personally think if he were not interested, he wouldn’t have bothered to tell OP he’s extremely busy and then going away for 2 weeks. You don’t forewarn someone you’re meh about and want to cut loose that you’ll be out of pocket.

If you can’t wait a few weeks because a potential partner happens to have a life then maybe you’re not that interested in him.

Honestly, in this day and age a man who has all the free time in the world to date is a red flag to me. They’re either jobless and living in their parents basement, they’re on the sick and looking for a carer not a partner, or they’re romance scammers.

Swiftie1878 · 18/03/2025 09:17

He probably already has other dates lined up, which is not unusual or unfair when you’re in the dating game.
I suggest you do the same, and come back to him if you’re still thinking of him after meeting others.

Lungwort · 18/03/2025 09:20

If I were busy and leaving the country for a fortnight in ten days, I wouldn’t rearrange pre-arranged plans during those ten days for the sake of someone I’d met once, no matter how much I liked them.

user2848502016 · 18/03/2025 09:21

I think you’re right, 10 days is a long time! I’d cool things and see if he contacts you after his holiday, but assume he won’t

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/03/2025 09:24

Sorry, being a bit thick. If he’s going away for 2 weeks, how can he see you unless he comes back especially?