Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I ask for help, he says I need to go back on antidepressants

52 replies

Potterwatch89 · 17/03/2025 18:21

I am at my own admission approaching complete burnout:

I have a stressful job which I work in full time and am the main earner of the household.
Due to my husband's job I also do the majority of the childcare in the mornings evenings and weekends
I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning for the houshold including all the laundry (apart from putting it away)
I do all household admin including paying bills and organising trips away
If we do go away I pack all of mine and DC's stuff, OH packs his own stuff last minute into a carrier bag
We are also in the process of a major life event and I'm doing all the admin for this on top of the above day to day stuff.

After the birth of my first DC I got PND for which I went on antidepressants which helped. For context I have been slowly tapering them down for the last few months.

Due to the stress of the additional life change it's all reached boiling point where I have emotionally informed DH that I am drowning and need more support from him. I wrote a list of all tasks I could do with him taking on. He has now informed me that my reaction to all this life admin is disproportionate and he thinks I need to go back fully on my antidepressants (as of yet he's not completed one of the tasks I've asked him to do despite one being easily done on the way home from work).

YABU - you clearly need to go back on antidepressants as these normal life tasks should be fine to do without needing support.

YANBU - your husband needs to support you more and antidepressants shouldn't be the first port of call.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 17/03/2025 19:01

Taking AD is intervention for your low affect. Your AD won’t unfortunately compel him to be decent
Unpick your mental health from him not doing adequate amount chores. Don’t let him make this about you
He is an inadequate lazy man.who happily will watch his wife buckle under the stress and if you have the temerity to speak up he tells you to get AD

Summerhillsquare · 17/03/2025 19:05

It's not "help", it's being an equal partner and member of the family.

If he isn't, he shouldn't get any of the benefits of that family.

spicemaiden · 17/03/2025 19:07

Your life might actually be easier if you LTB

Tgfh · 17/03/2025 19:08

You are in an abusive relationship with a lazy selfish waste of space that doesn't care for you.

What is the point of him?
Have you family to help?
Get legal advice.
How long are you married to this loser?

Moonnstars · 17/03/2025 19:09

Wow it sounds like you do pretty much everything, what does he bring to your life?

FriendsDrinkBook · 17/03/2025 19:10

I often wonder what % of women that are diagnosed with pnd also happen to be married to a useless piece of shit.

Op , please consider leaving. He'd rather medicate you than pull his weight. That should tell you all you need to know.

SometimesCalmPerson · 17/03/2025 19:11

There is the possibility that weaning yourself off your medication is having a negative effect and that your husband needs to pull his finger out. Both things could be true together.

Pessismistic · 17/03/2025 19:13

He’s being a selfish knob.

Ph3 · 17/03/2025 19:14

@Potterwatch89 reframe the conversation. Don’t use your he word help. He is not helping you he is taking part of your life together. Why do you have to take the majority of the work load at home if you work?

couchparsnip · 17/03/2025 19:15

Does he have a job that means he's out mornings, evenings and weekends? Or is he using a nightshift as excuse to sleep through his share of childcare?
And if he's not the main earner why are you accommodating this? He needs to get a job with sensible hours so he can be useful.
Or just leave the waste of space.

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 17/03/2025 19:20

I'm sorry but how can you have any respect for him? You're the breadwinner, the home maker/family organiser and he does jack all to say thanks for it. What example are you setting your kids? Read your OP back to yourself out loud and ask yourself why you're letting him to it to you......

merrymelodies · 17/03/2025 19:22

Sounds like gaslighting to me. Get him to help you or get rid of him.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/03/2025 19:23

is the AD reduction being managed by GP?
It needs to be monitored and introduced over time - For example reducing the regular dose by a quarter (25%) or a half (50%). Allow2 to 4 weeks to adjust to the new dose, keep an eye on how things are
Medication Reduction needs to be managed and monitored in steps. In particular be vigilant for any increase in suicidal thoughts or decreased moods

LadyRoughDiamond · 17/03/2025 19:25

He seems to be under the misapprehension that he can drug you into submission.

I suggest you point out to him that antidepressants are only effective on those taking them, and there is no evidence suggesting they’re a solution for getting a lazy fucker of a husband to do their share.

Original poster
Potterwatch89 · 17/03/2025 19:28

Moonnstars · 17/03/2025 19:09

Wow it sounds like you do pretty much everything, what does he bring to your life?

When he's here he does pull his weight in terms of childcare and tries to give me a break. His job is well earning in its own right, mine just is still much higher earning. His job has to involve shift work, this is something that can't be helped or changed. The massive issue in our relationship is he doesn't "see" mess and does not proactively do any task both housework and day to day admin, I have to constantly remind him to do something otherwise he'll forget and it won't get done. Over time it's just become easier to do it all myself. Until it isn't...

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 17/03/2025 19:28

Wtf? My dh does his share but having 3 DDs I often am the default parent as they come to mum (teens). But when I get overwhelmed, I speak up and dh says “what can I take from you?” Often it’s stuff I need to plan due to logistics but then he’ll take on household stuff. He does all clothes washing - if dd says “I can’t find my leggings…” she gets directed to dad as he washed them.

what I’m saying is, you dh is an arsehole. Is he likely to change? No. So if you plan to stay with him you’ll need help elsewhere such as a cleaner/housekeeper.

MissUltraViolet · 17/03/2025 19:29

You are NOT the problem. PND and anti-depressants or not, any woman would struggle with that mental and physical load and such an awful, useless twat of a husband.

You’ve done fucking amazing to deal with so much for so long. He starts helping, immediately…or he can pack his bags and piss off.

If YOU feel like you’re struggling then definitely go see your GP and go back to your normal dose, there is no failure and no shame. You need to do what is best for you and your DC (but keep useless husband, what he wants and his opinion out of that equation).

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/03/2025 19:33

Potterwatch89 · 17/03/2025 19:28

When he's here he does pull his weight in terms of childcare and tries to give me a break. His job is well earning in its own right, mine just is still much higher earning. His job has to involve shift work, this is something that can't be helped or changed. The massive issue in our relationship is he doesn't "see" mess and does not proactively do any task both housework and day to day admin, I have to constantly remind him to do something otherwise he'll forget and it won't get done. Over time it's just become easier to do it all myself. Until it isn't...

Show quote history

He doesn’t see mess?A salaried competent adult can’t see a laundry basket or load a dishwasher
Did he tell you he cannot see mess or has it become an excuse that gets recycled

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2025 19:34

Potterwatch89 · 17/03/2025 19:28

When he's here he does pull his weight in terms of childcare and tries to give me a break. His job is well earning in its own right, mine just is still much higher earning. His job has to involve shift work, this is something that can't be helped or changed. The massive issue in our relationship is he doesn't "see" mess and does not proactively do any task both housework and day to day admin, I have to constantly remind him to do something otherwise he'll forget and it won't get done. Over time it's just become easier to do it all myself. Until it isn't...

Show quote history

He doesn’t ‘see’ mess. But you gave him a fucking LIST! He doesn’t care.

I’d LTB but that wasn’t an option in your voting.

MissUltraViolet · 17/03/2025 19:36

Strip it right back. You’re struggling (as anyone would) so you have asked for help. You have given him a list of things he can help with and…he has told you to up your AD meds instead. OP, it’s disgusting behaviour.

At the very least to ease some of the strain on yourself whilst going through this stressful life event could you afford some outside help? A cleaner a couple times a week? A local laundry/ironing service? Get a handyman in for any odd jobs useless husband won’t do and make him bloody pay for it all.

DGPP · 17/03/2025 19:36

he’s being an arsehole who doesn’t want to pull his weight with his family

Createausername1970 · 17/03/2025 19:39

If you are generally happy with him in other areas and LTB isn't really where you want to go, then I second the suggestion to get a cleaner or a general home help.

Tell DH that you don't need ADs, but what you do need is practical support, and he can't provide that then you are going to outsource it.

Devianinc · 17/03/2025 19:44

spicemaiden · 17/03/2025 19:07

Your life might actually be easier if you LTB

I think you’d find yourself much happier without him. Tell him to go on antidepressants if he’s not able help with little things that might help you. He’s not on the same boat as you. Get off that boat and get rid of the dead wood cause that’s what he sounds like. Completely useless, what do you need him for if he’s not willing to help you and you’re doing it all anyway. Get a lawyer and get out if you can. I know it sounds easier than it is but he’s not bringing you any happiness

Msmoonpie · 17/03/2025 19:45

I doubt he’s interested as he knows full well the effect it has and doesn’t care because the current status quo suits him very well.

He is quite happy for you to do the grunt work.

But you could try to show him this https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

before you tell him to go fuck himself with a pineapple.

I bet he would soon see mess if he had co clean clothes and no food for him and no dinner cooked.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2025 19:50

The problem in your life is ENTIRELY your lazy husband who is lazy, selfish, dismissive and misogynistic. I rather suspect if you ltb you would discover really rather quickly what the problem has been all along.

Swipe left for the next trending thread