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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I ask for help, he says I need to go back on antidepressants

52 replies

Potterwatch89 · 17/03/2025 18:21

I am at my own admission approaching complete burnout:

I have a stressful job which I work in full time and am the main earner of the household.
Due to my husband's job I also do the majority of the childcare in the mornings evenings and weekends
I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning for the houshold including all the laundry (apart from putting it away)
I do all household admin including paying bills and organising trips away
If we do go away I pack all of mine and DC's stuff, OH packs his own stuff last minute into a carrier bag
We are also in the process of a major life event and I'm doing all the admin for this on top of the above day to day stuff.

After the birth of my first DC I got PND for which I went on antidepressants which helped. For context I have been slowly tapering them down for the last few months.

Due to the stress of the additional life change it's all reached boiling point where I have emotionally informed DH that I am drowning and need more support from him. I wrote a list of all tasks I could do with him taking on. He has now informed me that my reaction to all this life admin is disproportionate and he thinks I need to go back fully on my antidepressants (as of yet he's not completed one of the tasks I've asked him to do despite one being easily done on the way home from work).

YABU - you clearly need to go back on antidepressants as these normal life tasks should be fine to do without needing support.

YANBU - your husband needs to support you more and antidepressants shouldn't be the first port of call.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2025 19:53

And let me guess…policeman?

Moonnstars · 17/03/2025 20:03

Potterwatch89 · 17/03/2025 19:28

When he's here he does pull his weight in terms of childcare and tries to give me a break. His job is well earning in its own right, mine just is still much higher earning. His job has to involve shift work, this is something that can't be helped or changed. The massive issue in our relationship is he doesn't "see" mess and does not proactively do any task both housework and day to day admin, I have to constantly remind him to do something otherwise he'll forget and it won't get done. Over time it's just become easier to do it all myself. Until it isn't...

Show quote history

Working shifts isn't an excuse. He could still do jobs before or after work, or even jointly do them (e.g. I will put a wash load on in the morning and DH who comes home for his lunch break will put it in the dryer as I am at work).

Reveuse · 17/03/2025 20:09

FriendsDrinkBook · 17/03/2025 19:10

I often wonder what % of women that are diagnosed with pnd also happen to be married to a useless piece of shit.

Op , please consider leaving. He'd rather medicate you than pull his weight. That should tell you all you need to know.

Couldn't have worded it better myself!

You deserve so much more than this, OP.

Original poster
Potterwatch89 · 17/03/2025 20:56

I'm going to see if he does the list and go from there (it is extensive), actions will speak louder than words at this point I think. Thanks all for your comments, he is a good man which is why I married him in the first place. I just think he's allowed me to take it all on without question and we need to redress the balance dramatically if things are going to change. I will speak to my doctor separately to see if they think how I feel is normal/proportionate and if I need to go back on ADs.

OP posts:
tdj · 17/03/2025 20:59

He's a lazy moron

He's the reason you are burning out.

How ridiculous of him to say the solution is you taking ADs. The solution is him working HARD to share the load. What a loser.

Tgfh · 17/03/2025 21:13

FriendsDrinkBook · 17/03/2025 19:10

I often wonder what % of women that are diagnosed with pnd also happen to be married to a useless piece of shit.

Op , please consider leaving. He'd rather medicate you than pull his weight. That should tell you all you need to know.

The two are undoubtedly hugely linked in many many cases IMO.

GCAcademic · 17/03/2025 21:23

he is a good man

No he fucking isn't. Bad enough that he's lazy, but to gaslight you is actually evil.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 17/03/2025 21:26

Yanbu

however, I think you DO need to go back on antidepressants as this is not a good time to start coming off them AND your husband needs to support you more start pulling his own weight at home.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 17/03/2025 21:31

I will speak to my doctor separately to see if they think how I feel is normal/proportionate and if I need to go back on ADs.

Depression/burnout/anxiety due to overwhelming stress is a normal and proportionate response and ADs are there to help you through a difficult patch in life. The human mind and body can only take so much, you didn’t describe a normal business as usual family life situation, I think even Wonder Woman would struggle to get through 1 day of your life!

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 17/03/2025 21:34

Thanks all for your comments, he is a good man which is why I married him in the first place. I just think he's allowed me to take it all on without question and we need to redress the balance dramatically if things are going to change.

This is actually very common when DC come along due to maternity leave. Mum does all the SAHM stuff taking on housework, kids, life admin and then when she returns to FT work, that’s added on top. Couples all too often don’t revert back to the preDC equitable sharing of work done at home. Your DH needs to step up. You can’t do two FT jobs while he only does one.

gamerchick · 17/03/2025 21:39

Tell your husband he's not a team player and if he insists on not being a team player, you'll be better off playing on your own without him. He's taking the piss and you'll probably find you won't need ADs without this burden you're married too.

The choice is his but he needs to know what the stakes are. Before you implode.

AnotherNaCha · 17/03/2025 21:49

I can’t add much except to say, from experience, your workload and mental health would be considerably lighter without him. He needs a wake up call or get him out. Major gaslighting that makes me furious

Gremlinsateit · 17/03/2025 21:56

Agree with PPs that it would be a good idea to separate your AD needs from his failure to help. In the meantime, can you afford a great deal more home help? A cleaner who will also do the washing for extra, the laundrette, an after school nanny who’ll put the dinner on, are all potentially more reliable help than your H who “doesn’t see” what needs to be done.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 17/03/2025 22:15

Tell him you saw the gp, explained about the pressures on you at home and the division of labour and they wrote you a prescription for an appointment with a divorce solicitor.

thislifer · 17/03/2025 22:39

I imagine the longer term solution for a happier life is to leave him.
But in the meantime can you do yourself a favour and outsource the stuff he’s supposed to be ‘helping’ with?
Get a cleaner, get some childcare or a handyman, or gardener.
Anything to support you and lighten your load until you can get over this additional hump and work out what you want the rest of your life to look like.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/03/2025 07:37

@Potterwatch89he is a good man

Im assuming he was fabulous to you when you fell in love with him and thus married him.

We don’t love him so unlike you, can be objective about it.

You are the main breadwinner and do most of the housework and childcare and are, thus, exceptionally exhausted. He knows this. If he didn’t know this, he would have to have an IQ at learning disability level. You are exhausted because you are doing half of his second job for him. He knows completely that it his fault you are exhausted. If he was so exceptionally dim that he didn’t, you have also told him.

He has chosen not to help, preferring instead to watch you suffer. And then gaslights you in to pretending your exhaustion is your fault!! Due to depresssion.

op - this is not a good man. This is evil and twisted.

YourLuckyPearlGoose · 18/03/2025 07:50

You may both be right.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 18/03/2025 07:53

Potterwatch89 · 17/03/2025 20:56

I'm going to see if he does the list and go from there (it is extensive), actions will speak louder than words at this point I think. Thanks all for your comments, he is a good man which is why I married him in the first place. I just think he's allowed me to take it all on without question and we need to redress the balance dramatically if things are going to change. I will speak to my doctor separately to see if they think how I feel is normal/proportionate and if I need to go back on ADs.

How can you say he is a good man? Anti- depressants are horrible and a last resort. He is abusing and controlling you by suggesting you take ADs when it all it needs is for him to step up.

Lurkingandlearning · 18/03/2025 08:12

He wants you to be medicated rather than taking responsibility for his share of adult life. I think it’s highly likely you’ll feel less stressed and tired as a single parent.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 18/03/2025 08:34

It comes down to simple misogyny.

Deep down, he believes that it is your job to be "wife and mother" and deal with all the crap at home, and be the primary carer for your children. Because that is the natural order of things. He believes that is his job "as a man" to give all his effort into his job, and then have time to relax at home when he is not out at work earning money.
This is despite the fact that you earn more.
Deep down, he believes mothers who earn more than their husbands are some kind of freak of nature - it is nice to have the extra money, but it doesn't mean he should have to do your job for you and be like a woman in terms of housework and mental load.

My advice would be to buy in all the help you can afford: wrap-around childcare, cleaner, ironing service, housekeeper who will cook the evening meal, or one of those box-delivery schemes for meals, gardener, etc. Make sure this is not coming out of your pocket, but is instead coming out of the joint account (you do have a joint account don't you?).

If/when you divorce him, you will need to have domestic help in place to enable you to continue in your career as a single parent.

user1492757084 · 18/03/2025 08:44

What tasks were on the list you gave him, Op?

You clearly have different values in how your living space needs to look.
Child care, nutrition, and adequate hygiene and sleep would be top priorities for me.

Can you compromise if he thinks some things are not worth doing ..
Not do them, leave the look a tad messy but functional.
Pay some one else to do them.
Husband does them but micromanages himself doing the task.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/03/2025 08:46

He is not a good man. A good man does not let their partner burn out with a disproportionate workload then suggest she needs medication rather than for him to step up.
One useful tool can be to draw up a list of how you both spend your time and ask him why he has so much more free time than you.
Stop doing any life admin for him. If he doesn’t do his washing he has no clean clothes. Don’t pick up after him. Just sort yourself and the DC. Tell him what you will do eg I’ve cooked so you will be clearing up, then leave it. As long as he clears up at some point in the evening it is sorted. If he doesn’t then still leave it. If he says anything just keep repeating “you haven’t cleared up yet”. It will be stressful to leave it but he may be secretly relying on you stepping in.

user1492757084 · 18/03/2025 08:51

I agree with leaving him to manage his own washing and some cooking, cleaning etc.
Don't remind him and don't do the task yourself. Leave him to finish it and thank each other when you do things.

Instead of verbal reminders, a very prominant list on the kitchen fridge will jog his memory. Keep ticking off your chores and leave him to tick his.

notatinydancer · 18/03/2025 08:55

Potterwatch89 · 17/03/2025 20:56

I'm going to see if he does the list and go from there (it is extensive), actions will speak louder than words at this point I think. Thanks all for your comments, he is a good man which is why I married him in the first place. I just think he's allowed me to take it all on without question and we need to redress the balance dramatically if things are going to change. I will speak to my doctor separately to see if they think how I feel is normal/proportionate and if I need to go back on ADs.

I’m sorry, he’s not a good man. He’s letting you do EVERYTHING.

Pootlemcsmootle · 18/03/2025 08:58

OP I think you have way too much on your shoulders and it would break down any of us over time. It's absolutely disgusting in my view that your DH views antidepressants as the answer, simply so he can be a lazy arsehole and not bother to help you. Noone, including you, can love long term with this amount on your shoulders.

I'm not being trigger happy in my response when I say, have you considered leaving him? I really think he is treating you very badly.

Also anti depressants aren't going to work long term if it's just a situation where you are marching towards worse and worse burnout, because you just have way way too much to cope with on a daily basis.