Any farmers wives out there?

[Farmerswifehelp]

If so AIBU to feel completely helpless about our situation.

I have been with my farmer for 17 years, married 9, with two DC.

Firstly I want to say I love DH deeply I really do, but I am really starting to resent everything. Firstly, we do not live on the farm (we live a good 4 miles drive off) despite my DH being the main worker/driving force, he works extremely long hours 7 days a week and all income that goes into the farm is thanks to him. I of course help when available as well as work my own part time role and raising our DC. HOWEVER my issue is that our little family unit gain nothing from this. DH is allowed (dictated by his parents) a small monthly wage (i wont say how little) and so all bills are left to me, i can only work part time due to childcare and I am really really struggling. Husband is of course working under the promise that he will one day inherit the farm, this does not sit comfortably with me as his parents have already proved that they cannot keep to their word as when we were married they had promised him that we could live on the farm, that never came to be and we were left scrambling desperately for a property when 1st DC came along with my fathers help. I am feeling desperately lonely and unsupported between DH not physically being here to help me and help with things in our home and with the children, we are financially struggling whilst DH gives his everything to a farm he may never inherit and everyone but us is benefiting from it.

I feel for you, I really do. So many (probably most) farming families are in a similar position. There’s a UK Farmer’s Wives group on facebook called the Artful Farmers Wives if you’d like more specific advice from people who understand our farming situation - you can post anon :)

My father was a farmer manager in a tied house rather than a farmer inheriting from his parents, because he was separating from his parents' control. We saw them regularly, but he did not have to report to them and disagree with them over every penny. (Also, he didn't have to deal with sheep, as he would on my grandfather's hill farm; he much preferred working with cattle.)

He’d be better off as a farmhand on someone else’s farm! This tends to not end well - your in laws are unlikely to want to hand it over while they are hale and hearty.

Sadly, this is a very common situation. I know several cases where things did not work out, but mostly ones where it did. My DF was in this scenario, but he also had alternative employment from a long period in the the army and another small business.

Wishing you all the best OP.

Thank you Farmerswifehelp, it did not help for sure. All of us living in the same house was impossible, especially as his sister was very spiteful and light fingered! She was also middle aged with a good job and getting all her bills paid, despite ex-h being the only one working on the farm to keep it afloat. None of them are able to maintain a relationship in that environment, which is hardly a surprise.
Unfortunately, over time his siblings have been working on the parents, who seem to make more concessions and backtrack more every year - it would not be fair to kick the other siblings out of the only home they have ever known, so the farm house will now be extended and split into three dwellings, the brother wants premises for another type of business so he needs just a couple of fields to set that up, the sister needs another income too, so she can have some outbuildings to rent out for that - it is only fair as ex-h is getting the farm.. Last I heard they were squabbling about how to divide the garden, so please be aware that it can turn out this way.
Please just protect yourself and your children as much as you can and avoid supporting the farm financially in any way.

Thank you, seems like a total nightmare! There seems to be a certain stubbornness in the farming community to do things right, or to “sort things” x

Your DH needs to talk to his parents and have them discuss how the business will best transfer to the next generation. Have him suggest a meeting with their accountant, in view of the tax changes government is making soon.
If his FIL really is concerned to preserve his life's work and the viability of the farm, he will want to seek advice.

Good luck. You might be sure of your FIL's intentions but his MIL and sister will have their own opinions too and what would happen if FIL died soon without sorting out job security for your DH?

In my experience it is best to leave little to be sorted out within a deceased person's Will. Speak to the accountant about transferring assets to your DH in a timely manner to ensure the future ownership of the farm is not decided in court when non farm siblings challenge a Will.

Before your DH talks to his father make sure he knows what he wants. The farm business to be legally half his now and the rest to come to him on FIL death. A wage/dividends to be paid to him now.

What about the inheritance tax -is it under the1 million value -if they have to pay 20% iht on some of it and then DSis needs her half you’re stuffed.

great Podcast - go to about 42 minutes if you dont want to listen to it all

Yes, that what I’m saying, you aren’t even getting that.

Married to a farmer here. Sorry, not what what it is, but “farmer’s wife” makes me shudder 🤣🤷‍♀️

Your situation isn’t the norm. But it’s also far from uncommon! I’ve heard many stories. Too many of your FIL’s generation who just aren’t willing for any discussion about succession planning. It’s like they think they’re going to live forever.

The post ⬆️ suggesting a meeting with the accountant is a good one.

BUT how much is your DH willing to push this? He can’t be passive here. Just working all the hours and never pushing a conversation isn’t going to achieve anything. I get that he doesn’t want to explode a bomb in relationships. But he can’t sit and hope that this suddenly changes. Can DH have a 1:1 chat with his sister? Explain his feelings , find out what her expectations are etc etc?

Best of luck!

Or…..
report IL for modern slavery. Mostly joking.
https://www.modernslavery.gov.uk/start

😂 Yes 100% a lack of ability to face situations head on and sort them. DH has had a talk with his sister, but she is not the kindest of people, she certainly thinks DH will inherit the farm and it seems that her jealousy in this is eating her alive , we have already found out that she has been putting ideas and thoughts into MIL’s mind that don't paint my DH in a positive light, all of the things she has said completely untrue but thats her stance on things….I agree DH needs to be much, much firmer

I'm fairly sure you posted this last year and got the same advice?
This is it, it won't change, it won't get better, If you are lucky you will inherit in your 50's (farmers are belligerent sods, I'm sure the bitterness keeps them going for an extra ten years, especially if they have a good land dispute to keep them occupied!)
Either you accept your lot and decide you are okay with this 'way of life' or you cut your losses and get out. Farmers daughter by the way, no longer in contact with parents and happily living in a mid terraced house that doesn't even have a lawn!

Hello, married to a farmer and empathise as it can be a tough life.
Other posters have given very sage advice and I just want to add that it would be worthwhile joining the NUF and speaking to someone there who can help.
They would know the going rate for pay, housing, etc and best case scenario would be if they accompanied your dh to a meet with his parents.

Im in a situation whereby I’m trying to persuade my dh to hand the farm over to our youngest son. He has procrastinated so I’m organising legal advice, union, etc. I think he sees himself as being ‘done’ as in completely buggered after sixty plus years of physical labour every single day.
I see it differently, aiming towards mentoring and offering support (whilst still working) so our son feels confident and able.

The older generation of farmers can be a right canny lot.. using the farm as blackmail isn’t acceptable as it is so controlling. What is the plan if things turn pear shaped? All manner of unexpected things can happen and is the sister going to be main carer when the parents age to the point of being unable to work?

Also, check out some of the farming forums, sometimes younger people ask for lambing experience and are happy with food, a bed and a bit of pay for the lambing season. It might take some of the pressure from your dh?

I can’t advise on how to encourage him to be home for longer, depending on the time of year, you are often on your own for days on end, just sharing a bed for a few hours. Dh and I wave to each other from different fields if we are both out eg ploughing or cutting hay but it was hard accepting the isolation at first.

Good luck and please know that some of us are always here to lend a sympathetic ear.

@Farmerswifehelpah! Maybe that the crux of it! Sister thinks she’s going to inherit nothing. ILs might be stumped into doing nothing because they don’t know what to do either.

What can be done to help her fears? Her uncertainty will be driving her behaviour. (Ok, maybe she’s a trout as well.) But I think a very uneven Will might be leaving her feeling “less” of a child. And maybe ILs need help to navigate it all.

Maybe an acknowledgment that the situation is awkward and a bit horrible but can we get a professional in to help us all?

DH and I have kids. One I can ABSOLUTELY see wanting to farm. And the other is likely going to run in the opposite direction. To be honest I don’t yet know how we will leave things. But I do know that no child will be disinherited. And also that we’ll be having an open conversation. (Kids are 13 at the moment. That’s my excuse 🤣🤣)

There are plenty of farmers where I live, lots of young lads and some older (20's - 30's) having to live at home because their parents don't pay them anywhere near minimum wage at the farm. It's really sad, I know one in particular who feels stuck and can't get out. He's been working there all his life and doesn't think there's any other option for him.

(Arse. Farmer husband has just come in. Just at the point I was thinking of sloping off to bed 🤣 Now I’m gong to have to stay longer listening to moans about the weather. (It’s NEVER the right kind of weather!))

CuriousRunner, oh yes. ‘It’s too bloody cold there’s no grass, the ground is like rock…then it rains ‘Oh it’s too bloody wet, the ground is like Lake Michigan the grass will drown’ then the one day of sun per year ‘Oh it’s too bloody hot, the grass will singe’.
I keep offering him food so he is too stuffed to moan.

@RapunzelsSplitEndsit was broken machinery 🤣 Smile and wave boys, smile and wave 🤣

Another farmer's daughter here. I see that the accountant was pro some succession planning and the solicitor derailed that. Is there anyone else with a respected opinion - I'm thinking land agent?

def accountant. The land agent might be needed for valuations at some point. I’m sorry the solicitor was less than helpful! They should be on your side helping the achieve their clients end goal

I think your husband needs to grow a pair
if his parents signed over the phone to him now and they live seven years it’s inheritance tax free completely bonkers. He needs to have an honest discussion with them. I suspect the sister will get the lot to be honest.

Not phone !!! Place
voice text nightmare