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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her to uninvite her friend

53 replies

MyPurpleHeart · 17/03/2025 13:22

Hi Everyone. Long and complicated one here

My friend, lets call her Jess, is having a big birthday. We don't live close by anymore but are still close, we talk every day and visit as often as we can.

All of her nearest and dearest are coming together for this big birthday. I have been organizing it with the help, and at the request of, Jess's husband.

As time has gone on her closest local friends have been inviting more and more people to the party, all people Jess knows and would love to celebrate with.

Except one

Ive spotted a name in the group of one person that has caused Jess a lot of trouble and issues over the last few years, Jenny. Jess tolerates Jenny because they are mutual friends of another woman they are both close with, lets call her Julie, and part of a much wider friendship group.

Julie is getting married this year and both Jess and Jenny are bridesmaids.

Just recently Jenny went out of her way to make spiteful remarks and really upset Jess. Jess is non confrontational and let it go, vowing to give Jenny a wide berth from now on, and be the bigger person for Julies sake.

Julie, oblivious to whats gone on, invited Jenny to the party.

Ive had so many calls advising me that Jess would not want Jenny there. In fact, Jenny would go out of her way to upset Jess. Just last week whilst out having drinks with a big group, Jenny got drunk and started an argument with Jess's husband and shouted abuse at Jess. Jenny seems to feel threatened by Jess and wants her out of Julies wedding.

Its a surprise party, i have spent a lot of money on tickets. I cant ask Jess outright if she wants Jenny there or not.

AIBU if i speak to Julie and tell her that its Jess's birthday, and maybe Jenny needs to sit this one out?

OP posts:
WrylyAmused · 17/03/2025 13:26

Can you speak to Jenny directly?

Julie likely won't want to be in the middle and may well not pass messages on, as might affect her friendship.

If you have no friendship with Jenny, nothing to lose and so easier for you to contact her directly if possible.

Onlyvisiting · 17/03/2025 13:27

Surely the organisers of the party issue invitations, not for invitees to add extras?!
And yes, I think it would be absolutely fine to say that as you know Jenny and Jess haven't been getting on well lately she isn't invited to the birthday as you want to make sure jess has a fun and stress free day. If its awkward for her to pass this on then she should have considered that before issuing invitations without asking....
Or if you want to be kind as presumably you don't care if Jenny likes you? Then send her a message yourself saying sorry , but given the problems last time they met you are going to have to recind the invitation.
Although I'd put money on her being spiteful and spoiling the surprise somehow.

RealEagle · 17/03/2025 13:29

Tell Julie to uninvite Jenny ,it’s Jess birthday why would she want her there

tilypu · 17/03/2025 13:31

I think Julie needs to know about the issues, partly because of the invitation, but also because it could affect her wedding.

YANBU

Spondoolies · 17/03/2025 13:34

Message the husband saying you’ve spotted the name on there and what would he like to do about it

Secondguess · 17/03/2025 13:34

"Hi everyone, it's a ticketed event so numbers are limited. If you've already told others about the event please let me know as we won't be able to accommodate everyone"

Then tell Julie to uninvite Jenny.

Or just tell Julie the truth now, because Jenny may not let this go and it could end up affecting both the birthday and the wedding. It seems unlikely that she'll keep the secret either way.

Newgirls · 17/03/2025 13:35

Tell Julie to univite her. She caused this issue.

Original poster
MyPurpleHeart · 17/03/2025 14:00

I have no relationship with Jenny or Julie. Jess moved an hour and a half away when she met her DH 10 years ago and this is her new circle of friends. We have always stayed close, we talk on whatsapp every day.

This is why I didn't do the invites, I don't know all of her friends, just the key ones I have met over the years.

Im happy to talk to Jenny directly, and even Julie. I don't think Jenny should come, I think she would just try and make the day about her.

My only concern is that Julie takes it out on Jess. Jess is very passive and when Julie and Jess had a minor falling out a few months ago, Julie went straight to Jenny who threw Jess out of the Hen party whats app group and told all of the hens that she wasn't coming anymore. Making Jenny the sole bridesmaid.

When Jess and Julie sorted things out the next day, Jenny had to re-add her to the group and backtrack on what she said, which she took very badly.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 17/03/2025 14:05

Jenny and Julie both sound shitty people.
Jenny a general shitty person who is not Jess' friend anyway
Julie a shitty friend to Jess.
Sounds a toxic triangle of 'friends' and would hazard a guess that Julie and Jenny regularly gang up on and exclude Jess!

FamBae · 17/03/2025 14:05

I agree with Spondoolies, ask Jess's husband and get him to speak to Julie, she'll be less likely to argue with him.

Sunat45degrees · 17/03/2025 14:07

CaptainFuture · 17/03/2025 14:05

Jenny and Julie both sound shitty people.
Jenny a general shitty person who is not Jess' friend anyway
Julie a shitty friend to Jess.
Sounds a toxic triangle of 'friends' and would hazard a guess that Julie and Jenny regularly gang up on and exclude Jess!

Yeah, this. How does Julie not notice or care that Jenny is so mean to Jess?

The reality is that if you go to Julie, you are going to be reating more tension unfortunately. The problem is that Julie and Jenny are the problem in the first place. I would discuss it with Jess's DH in the first instance.

JustMyView13 · 17/03/2025 14:13

Call Jenny & let her know that as a result of her fowl mouthed performance last week, she’s no longer welcome at the party.
Get Jess’s husbands backing too.

notsureyetcertain · 17/03/2025 14:15

There is a risk Jenny will tell Jess about the party to spite her. But I agree husband should deal with it.

Fountofwisdom · 17/03/2025 14:23

I find it incredible and really rude that people are taking it upon themselves to invite others! Surely only the party organisers should be issuing invitations, for exactly this reason. Also, how on earth can you keep tabs on numbers for catering if every Tom, Dick & Harry is inviting anyone they care to?

Jess’s husband should have had a tighter grip on this and it’s for him to sort really. Another poster suggested flagging the problematic name up to him and I think that’s the best option.

toomuchfaff · 17/03/2025 14:23

RealEagle · 17/03/2025 13:29

Tell Julie to uninvite Jenny ,it’s Jess birthday why would she want her there

This.

Julie, not sure you're aware, issues between Jess and Jenny. She isnt invited to the party, please let her know or I will.

Sunat45degrees · 17/03/2025 14:24

I'm feeling WAY too invested. I have been thinking. I think the problem is that you and her DH are organising it and yet everyone else is chipping in.

So what about this:

You send a message to whoever it is that you've been reaching out to and say, "thanks everyone for the guest list help. We've gone through it and I've checked in with Jess's DH and I'm going to send formal invites in line with numbers etc next week."

Would htat work?

Conniebygaslight · 17/03/2025 14:29

Sounds bloody exhausting if you ask me....I'd be tempted to hand it all over to the DH and ask him to organise the party and stay at home with a good book/film.

Chuchoter · 17/03/2025 14:35

Why would Julie invite someone else to the party? That in itself is strange.

You tell Julie straight that Jenny has not been invited and won't be allowed to in if she turns up.

kittykarate · 17/03/2025 14:37

Hang on - so Jenny has been publicly a cow to both Jess and her husband? What the fuck is Julie playing at extending the invite to Jenny?

I'd get Jess' DH to speak to Julie and ask her if what the heck is she playing at?

PersephonesPomegranate · 17/03/2025 14:41

Surely if Jenny gets uninvited she is just going to be spiteful and spoil the surprise to Jess? I think the damage is done here, OP. Only by talking directly to Julie and explaining things, with the hope that she'll tell a lie to Jenny about why she can't come anymore (so as not to incite her wrath) might this go smoothly. Given that Julie was so easily swayed by her dramas in the past and turned against your friend pretty quickly, I wouldn't hold out much hope.

As far as I can see, your realistic choices are:

  1. As above, try to involve Julie in this, which could create a bigger issue
  2. Let Jenny come and be on hand to chuck her out when she starts her drama - this is what I'd do.
  3. Tell Jenny she's not invited and hope Jess isn't too disappointed when the surprise is spoiled but that she goes on to enjoy her party.
  4. Uninvite both Jenny & Julie by telling big fat fibs and hope they don't spoil the surprise.

So many J-names, it's lost all meaning to me 😅

WinterBones · 17/03/2025 14:42

you have 2 choices.

speak to the husband and ask him to uninvite the bully

have the door policed and when she turns up, tell her to FO

Original poster
MyPurpleHeart · 17/03/2025 14:50

PersephonesPomegranate · 17/03/2025 14:41

Surely if Jenny gets uninvited she is just going to be spiteful and spoil the surprise to Jess? I think the damage is done here, OP. Only by talking directly to Julie and explaining things, with the hope that she'll tell a lie to Jenny about why she can't come anymore (so as not to incite her wrath) might this go smoothly. Given that Julie was so easily swayed by her dramas in the past and turned against your friend pretty quickly, I wouldn't hold out much hope.

As far as I can see, your realistic choices are:

  1. As above, try to involve Julie in this, which could create a bigger issue
  2. Let Jenny come and be on hand to chuck her out when she starts her drama - this is what I'd do.
  3. Tell Jenny she's not invited and hope Jess isn't too disappointed when the surprise is spoiled but that she goes on to enjoy her party.
  4. Uninvite both Jenny & Julie by telling big fat fibs and hope they don't spoil the surprise.

So many J-names, it's lost all meaning to me 😅

Edited

They were all name changes just in case

and the J theme kind of got out of hand 😂

OP posts:
OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 17/03/2025 14:57

You can ask her theoretically. For example throw into a conversation that if you were at a special celebration and such and such turned up, would you want her there?

Original poster
MyPurpleHeart · 17/03/2025 15:02

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 17/03/2025 14:57

You can ask her theoretically. For example throw into a conversation that if you were at a special celebration and such and such turned up, would you want her there?

I tried this, and i ballsed it right up

I said who are the top three people you wouldn't want to have at a party?
She replied

Hitler
Florence and her machine
and Kier Starmer the party pooper

massive fail 😂

OP posts:
anonymousanonymouse · 17/03/2025 15:04

Speak to her husband and let him deal with her.

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