My DH is an oversharer

[4GWiFi]

I've been bothered by this for a long time: I think my husband overshares way too much. Whenever I mention it, he dismisses my concerns by saying something like, "Oh, let's all be quiet and secretive, I'm just making normal conversation'.

As an example, he will tell friends we catch up with how our business is doing to quite a detailed degree. While I think it's fine to say business is good (or bad). I don't think any more about it should be discussed. After all, I see it as bad press about the brand if he's discussing something negative even if it is amongst friends. There are other things that he shares which annoy me, such as if he got stopped for speeding or any other negative things. The odd share - no problem. However, I do feel, increasingly, that whenever we meet up with other couples it does become the 'X (my name) and Y (DH's name) Show' where we ask friends 'So how's it going?' and immediately they reply with, 'It's all fine, no change really with us. But how's it going with you, and how did it go with X? And what happened that time with Y?' Friends immediately catch up on every detail of our lives while theirs seem uneventful and drama-free. I understand that everyone has their ups and downs, but I can’t help feeling that he’s giving away too much every time.

Am I wrong for thinking he overshares? How private are you as a couple with your friends when you catch up? How much do you reveal about your personal lives? I've always believed in keeping things to myself and confiding only in some individuals, as sharing too much with everyone can sometimes do more harm than good.

I think a lot of it is tied to him liking to be seen as some kind of funny storyteller who has loads of anecdotes, but the joke ends up being on us as a couple. He might not mind, but I do.

What do you think?

I'm an over sharer, I have ADHD and am autistic though. I feel I need to reply properly as they've taken the time to ask, I know I over share but I just cannot seem to stop myself. He might feel the same way about when people ask a question it's rude not to answer it?

I wouldn't really call a lot of that over sharing.

He's definitely not ND or has ADHD. Perhaps it is some kind of release or need to socialise or in his way 'share everything' as he is always working usually.

What would be over sharing?

I’m an oversharer too, try not to but can’t help it and I’ll ask a lot of open questions. DH shares nothing and I think it makes it difficult to have a conversation sometimes. I don’t want him policing my chats.
Depends what’s being said, I wouldn’t talk about his bad points or criticise him.

An exact description of your daily bowel movement, favourite sexual positions, condition of your bank account, a detailed account of your dreams, one by one, private information disclosed by clients etc.

I don't see that as over sharing, tbh if anything you sound a bit secretive.

My husband doesn't overshare in terms of anything really personal, but he will tell really long detailed stories about mundane things that have happened to us. For example, getting our carpets replaced. You can see people's eyes glazing over. There's no need for that level of detail. 😂

My DH and I are both quite open books, but we tire easily of talking about ourselves, so we just keep asking back details of the other person's life.

My mum is a huge oversharer. She will tell people about her medical issues even if intimate. She will tell everyone everything about her (and also me)

A health professional called the other day to make an appt with her and she said oh I don’t have my calendar I’m not at home I’m in XX city with my daughter in xx shop right now - completely not needed!!!!! She said she owed the person on the phone the truth. I was like wtf they don’t care who you are with and why right now. They are trying to book an appt.

she can’t understand not giving everyone the full detail of everything. Obviously she can’t keep a secret longer than 30 seconds

I think it's less about oversharing and more just about being a bit...boring. I have friends like your husband and every time we meet up, there are long anecdotes and details about their lives which are, frankly, a bit tedious. It's not a conversation, it's them monologuing about whatever is going on in their lives.

Saying that you shit your pants or something really personal/embarrassing. Otherwise I think it's good to be open with friends, to not be cagey about work, money, relationships, any of that. It's no bad thing to be a good storyteller with funny anecdotes either, isn't that what makes a great dinner party guest? And in such cases the joke is often on the teller, as it's a nice self-deprecating quality. I've never thought of such things as oversharing, more that I'm interested in people so I like people like your DH in conversation, as long as they're not a big bore who show no interest in others. But some people are good talkers and others prefer to listen. Maybe you're the latter and that's why you're not at ease with this? I don't think you can censor him really, except on v specific topics if there's a good reason.

Telling someone you got a speeding fine is not over sharing.

Telling someone you have a boil on your left arse cheek that your partner squoze for you, that's over sharing.

I’m not clear either.

Do you mean he’s telling really boring stories with far too much trivial detail?

Can I ask - the stories, are they ones where you have reflected and realised you/he/both of you made bad decisions (such as his speeding) and you are worried people will think less of you?

I think I’d find it quite difficult to maintain a proper friendship with friends like the ones you describe. How can you ever build a real bond, have shared experiences, demonstrate mutual care and support, develop love for each other etc with people who are always just “fine”, “same old same old”, and don’t appear to trust you enough with the important details of their lives to want to share them, or ask for your advice or support with their problems?

I wouldn’t say your DH is oversharing. Perhaps he could be a bit more circumspect about sharing particular details about the business if those details being public could genuinely harm your business, but talking about your life and your worries and letting your friends in is what friendship is all about - otherwise, what you have are fair weather acquaintances, fun to hang out with from time to time, rather than meaningful relationships in your life.

And maybe that’s your actual problem, rather than your DH: you know that your friends are not actually meaningful relationships, because they don’t share anything of themselves with you; and therefore it feels like sharing yourselves can do “more harm than good.” Genuine friendship shouldn’t feel like that.

My DH is like this. After he told several virtual strangers the details about my breast lump and the lurid details of his colonoscopy I have told him, again, to pack it in. I don’t know why he has this compulsion or why he considers it appropriate. His sister says she’s even been told in the past when he changes his pants ffs!

It sounds more like he's telling juicy drama that OP wants to keep schtum about.

This…

We have friends like this. The DH of the couple is… financially insecure? Materialistic? Competitive?
Eg a few years back I bought a new car (quite expensive and high technology, weren’t many on the road at the time tbh) He was then overheard by another mutual friend talking at some brief acquaintance all about said car model, it’s features, and how he was going to buy it (never happened). Etc. It’s so tedious and so transparent.

If I’ve been to Tenerife, he’s been to Elevenerife, and every conversation requires a lengthy monologue on his opinion on the matter

We try not to see them anymore…

This was what I meant to quote! 🙄
This is my take on it… Sounds boring & one-sided. A true conversation flows both ways. There are people in our circle that I don’t really converse with anymore though, due to their constant monologues

I'm definitely more private than DH, but since we've been together I've become more like him. I don't berate him or try to stop him mid-sentence when we're socialising. It's more about there being a sense that there is an imbalance when it comes to some of our friendships. What I mean is that it almost seems as though nothing ever happens to certain couples in our friendship groups: everything is just dandy and fine (and you and I know life is not like that! Especially after being friends with these people for over a decade) while we're the ones sharing all and sundry, mostly initiated by my husband. For example, he wouldn't think twice about sharing, as an example, if any of our DCs had nits whereas, in my experience, it seems very few mums/dad friends would ever really share if their DCs ever had caught it. I appreciate my examples are not great, but real examples would be very outing!

People bond over real stories where they show their vulnerability, not over “business is good”. Of course sensitive information should be shared thoughtfully, but speeding tickets don’t fall in the category.

Do you prefer superficial relationships where no one ever shares anything that makes them look any less than perfect? Sometimes we forget that being human is a LOT more interesting and relatable than being perfect. Speaking from experience.

It's more about an imbalance in our friendships - because he is always sharing so much about what we've been up to etc., we seldom get to hear about our friends' lives and they don't seem forthcoming with information. Just for the record DH is not boring or shares mundane info. They are engaging stories. Also there's an aspect of manners at play: I think good friendships should involve everyone getting to speak and not having one person or couple hogg the discussion and sharing far too many personal setbacks.

Then this definitely sounds like a friends problem rather than DH. You say you’ve known them for years, but you don’t, actually, know them at all. They don’t trust you, and they don’t want to share anything important about themselves and their lives. I think it’s probably time to put them into the “acquaintances” bucket and treat them accordingly, whilst focussing on making new friendships with actual substance, or developing ones you currently have.

It doesn’t sound like you need to worry about DH “hogging” the conversation, because these people are actively making sure with their “yeah, we’re fine, tell us all about you” that him doing so means they get to say little.

But it is incredibly boring for the listener to sit through a one-sided monologue of someone else’s topic of choice, and not have any input. Both boring and bad-mannered. It is not a discussion if the person speaking never stops to listen.