My DH is an oversharer

[4GWiFi]

I've been bothered by this for a long time: I think my husband overshares way too much. Whenever I mention it, he dismisses my concerns by saying something like, "Oh, let's all be quiet and secretive, I'm just making normal conversation'.

As an example, he will tell friends we catch up with how our business is doing to quite a detailed degree. While I think it's fine to say business is good (or bad). I don't think any more about it should be discussed. After all, I see it as bad press about the brand if he's discussing something negative even if it is amongst friends. There are other things that he shares which annoy me, such as if he got stopped for speeding or any other negative things. The odd share - no problem. However, I do feel, increasingly, that whenever we meet up with other couples it does become the 'X (my name) and Y (DH's name) Show' where we ask friends 'So how's it going?' and immediately they reply with, 'It's all fine, no change really with us. But how's it going with you, and how did it go with X? And what happened that time with Y?' Friends immediately catch up on every detail of our lives while theirs seem uneventful and drama-free. I understand that everyone has their ups and downs, but I can’t help feeling that he’s giving away too much every time.

Am I wrong for thinking he overshares? How private are you as a couple with your friends when you catch up? How much do you reveal about your personal lives? I've always believed in keeping things to myself and confiding only in some individuals, as sharing too much with everyone can sometimes do more harm than good.

I think a lot of it is tied to him liking to be seen as some kind of funny storyteller who has loads of anecdotes, but the joke ends up being on us as a couple. He might not mind, but I do.

What do you think?

But you describe in your OP them being asked and saying ‘Fine thanks’ before turning the conversation back onto DH. I mean, do you have any reason to think they’re desperately aggrieved at not having the opportunity to regale the company with exactly what happened at work on Tuesday when Barbara found out that Nigel had fiddled his expenses?

No, it's none of that. It's simply more about his penchant for sharing any and every unfortunate incident that we've experienced since we last socialised with every friend or couple. I don't mind if it's once every several catch-ups (which is more in line with what I perceive a standard friendship to be like), but it is every time. As another pp mentioned, I think he does it mostly to provide entertainment and does it in a self-deprecating way. Our lives have been quite tough in the past several years relative to our friends' lives - they all know this. If we were doing well then I could understand a need to be modest and self-deprecating amongst friends. I just think that socially we should be listening more to what our friends have been up to rather than hammering on about what tough and difficult lives we are leading.

@4GWiFi I know what you mean.

I am an oversharer (have ADHD if that's relevant), but strangely at the same time can be quite a private person.

I've had many situations like the ones you describe, where I would ask the other person how they are, and they would tell me everything is going well with their life, but would then ask details about mine. Because I naturally am quite open, I ended up telling them a lot. But I realised after many years of these types of one sided interactions that I always felt quite uncomfortable afterwards. It almost felt like the other people were (unconsciously) using me a a way to feel superior about their lives, as I would maybe tell them about challenges or problems that I was going through, and they would apparently never have any problems, so they could feel that their life was better than mine.

Now I am much more discerning about who i open up to. I like to have deeper conversations where there is openness and honesty, as to me that's when you can be real friends who genuinely care about each other, rather than just pretending that everything is always fine.

So if I am with people who never open up to me, I don't open up to them, and our interaction/ friendship remains on the superficial level.

And if I'm with a friend and we both are open and vulnerable (which is a gradual process), then it can be a deeper friendship.

So I think for me, it's discerning who to share and be open with.

I just think that socially we should be listening more to what our friends have been up to rather than hammering on about what tough and difficult lives we are leading.

Ah well this can be more awkward, if they're aware you've had tough times and they haven't. It's another reason I tend to end up listening more because the last thing I want to do is talk about how well things are going when my friends are struggling. I'll talk about some struggles I'm having to try to even things up, but I think it's insensitive for instance for me to talk about being so busy with work when I know they can't get much work and it's not going well. People generally tend to talk about their problems more don't you think, than things going well.

(I would totally talk about the kids having nits though. That's not oversharing, it's a good example of where it's good to share - despair, tips, humour, all of it!)

Tell him to stop sharing stuff about the business. That's really important.
Word of mouth is important in business. If he starts saying you've had supply chain issues or employees have let you down or whatever, friends are less likely to recommend you to other friends. Word soon gets round. "Yeah, I wouldn't go to them, they've been having issues with the supply chain so it might take ages to get your order"

Exactly. It is the word of mouth aspect that concerns me.

I agree dont say as much. My neighbour loves info then you ask how all with you. Good thanks. !! I used give too much info they tell ya nothing lol

To an extent, I agree. Overall, it just seems that our friends know an incredible amount that's going or has been going on in our lives, but we don't ever hear their side. They don't show us that they're human: have foibles, nothing merely negative. I sometimes feel like I should hand them some popcorn after we've all sat down and the conversation's started.

Are you a southerner and he's a northerner?

My H told a ton of people I hardly knew the date of my planned C-section, plus a load of information about my health during pregnancy. I was inundated with messages from people, including a message from one of his friends asking “what time is the baby being extracted then?”

I cannot tell you how furious I was. It was a disgusting message, overly familiar and utterly fucking intrusive. I ignored all of them and asked what the actual fuck he thought he was playing at. He had no reason beyond not realising that my medical history and health is no one’s business but mine. I may have pointed out to him that he was a fucking nobody during my pregnancy and birth and after what he’d done, he was lucky to be in the room.

For an intelligent and seemingly emotionally aware man, he became insanely people-pleasing around my pregnancies. I’m not sure I’ve forgiven him for it to be honest.

Yeh that would annoy me too especially if he shared something that happened to me that you may not have wanted others to know. Thankfully my husband is as private as I am.

I don't think the problem is oversharing, apart from the business details. He should definitely keep business stuff private. That's not being secretive.

His problem is a serious lack of social / conversation skills and a sense of entitlement to hog other peoples attention.

If he has spent more than 50% of his time at a gathering speaking, he has overdone it.
If he has revealed business details or relationship details, he has over done it too, regardless of how long he has spent talking.

How do you manage to stay married?!

Your friends do not want to head out to an evening of woe dressed up as funny anecdotes.

You have no reason to assume the friends are having a better time than you and your H - perhaps they're just not sharing.

Is your H something of a class clown, personality-wise?
Does he have self esteem issues? What he's doing probably comes across as juvenile. Is he afraid of looking competent or successful or on top of things? Is he trying to make people like him?

How well does H know the friends? Does he know of any interests or hobbies they have? Any children in school or university? Pets? Has your H ever asked them directly how any of those aspects of their lives are going?

It’s sounds more that they’re not real friends or maybe the wrong type of friends for your dh. I don’t think what he’s saying is bad and it’s the way me and my friends chat. It’s obviously not good if it upsets you but you’re basically wanting him to change who he is which isn’t fair either as he’s not wrong in what he’s doing

Think this may sound more like you’re disappointed in the lack of your friends sharing things rather than your husband over sharing ?

Some people like to milk you for information whilst telling you nothing about themselves. I think it’s good to be wary of a potential imbalance here.

FWIW we never talk about business or money or cost of holidays, new car. Had the experience of old friend being bitter and jealous when she realised how much one holiday had cost, it soured the friendship and we had to distance ourselves.

Oh I think we might be married to the same man OP 😂. Mine is exactly the same. He tells everyone EVERYTHING and all my business too. I’m pathologically private and it drives me nuts!!! He has a heart of gold and just the way he is but nothing is sacred. Even my menopause!!!!!

That sounds like normal talking to friends to me. Oversharing would be telling them about your sex life or something.

Or financial information that isn't any of their business?

I'm eternally single, but recall being in a partnership and how the games were with other couples. It's just not the same playing field, especially if you have business links. It always felt to me like competition.

I personally love authenticity, being open and honest. But it needs to be delivered confidently and not too self deprecating. The problem for me here is the group of friends and the business struggles. They're the issue.

These people don't jump out at me as friends who will just make you feel great inside, feel good for the soul and support growth in all areas. They sound like panelists on Dragons Den and I personally could not tolerate too much of this shite.

Do you have other friends?

Business wise, I understand, less is more. If it is struggling, all declarations could be damaging in terms of perception and image.

It sounds like you feel like you're a bit on the down foot compared to them and none are quite so gracious as to extend the human touch, connecting with you through their own expressions of honesty and vulnerability.

You sense something in them and their reaction and you don't like it. I think you are right in your feelings. If you communicate it that way to your husband, in a way that makes him see it without him feeling attacked for his openness and vulnerability.

Have you thought about approaching it in a lighthearted way with him; encourage him to try out a different way ( as a fun experiment) at the next get together and see what happens. The agreement could be a change in communication style that focuses on more praise, not talking, and instead asking questions, clarifying details in others, complimenting others. It's actually really fascinating stuff if you're in It together and watching the effects of the experiment between you both.

I do love Diary of a CEO. He has loads of good speakers on who give great advice on all this and communication approaches for business and life. The one released today is great; love the guy he has on, Jefferson somebody.

Isn’t that more being boring than oversharing?

I have to agree with this, and also @ComtesseDeSpair on the bottom of P1.

You say these are friends of 10 years, and yet you know nothing about their lives - what is happening, or how they are feeling ?

I have acquaintances like that - people I see sometimes (or even regularly at a hobby), that I get on with but there is no deeper connection, but my friends get to know what I'm worried about or upset about as well as things I'm really happy about. Surely that is the very essence of moving from a "person I get on with, they seem nice enough" to a "friend I know I can rely on and who I would choose to spend time with".

It doesn't sound - in any of your examples - like your dh is over sharing at all, more that you are keeping these people at arms' length.

So yes, nits, speeding tickets, worries at work, worries about health, or dc, or elderly parents, are all things that would come up if spending time with friends.

I love your post @Wishyouwerehere50