Is this a problem? Or is it me

[notsureyetcertain]

So I struggle with asking for help. Dh and I have set roles in the house /family but some stuff is shared yet I often have to ask him to do stuff which bugs me. (Rather than him using initiative)
so one example is school holidays, I work part time and sometimes there’s days I can’t cover so I ask dh to book time off or to ask his parents to babysit. (Ds can’t access paid childcare due to his disability and we can’t afford a nanny)
ill ask dh and he will say can you text me the details when I’m at work. Which bugs me as he can write them down. But il text, he will then ring me to discuss it (all details in the text) and check why he’s booking the time off. Sometimes he will make a point of saying he doesn’t have many holidays left so he can’t keep doing this. I hate it because I feel bad for asking but he is a parent??

The other thing is asking his parents, I hate asking as they will moan or act like it’s an inconvenience but then on other occasions complain they don’t have ds enough. So I ask dh to ask (I do ask my family) I will give him all details he needs, everytime he will come and find me while he is on the phone and say “dw is it 29th March you need mum to babysit?”
He claims he just clarifying the details but it feels like he’s making his mum aware I am asking not him.

if I raise this he acts like I’m too sensitive and over reacting. What do you think?

I think you need to look for another job.

Fucking batshit first response.

He’s just double checking so he doesn’t get it wrong. I don’t think this would bother me.

This needs a full discussion to clarify why he thinks childcare is 100% your responsibility.

Look at the calendar and term dates together and tell him to sort himself out

Correct him - you mean you need your mum to babysit your child as you can’t get the time off work to cover your share of 50% parenting dh?

For example: these are the school holiday days that need covering. I'm able to to these dates. WE need a plan for the rest

He claims he just clarifying the details but it feels like he’s making his mum aware I am asking not him.

I hate this passive aggressive misogynistic crap.

He's acting like the dumb innocent male who's been roped into sorting out woman's stuff.

My DH does this where he seems to not know about certain things as if it's beneath him.

Like "look at me having to ask this again, silly me, but I am far too important to remember or know about these lowly things "

So if course he's going to say you're being too sensitive, it fits his view of women.

I'd try not be around when he's arranging with his mother, get him to do it whilst he's at work or when you're in the bath or out jogging or something.

Other than that he's never going to admit what he's doing, if he can even see it for what it is!

If it was just this, he could check before starting the call with his dm.
He's definitely making a point that it's nothing to do with him, this silly woman's work.

Get a joint online calendar. Colour code all the kids holiday days red, then change the ones to your colour (say yellow) if you are going to care for the kids that day, your DH’s colour (say purple) if he’s said he can care for the kids that day.

Leave all the other dates where childcare is needed as red.

Ask him to change the days in the calendar from red to purple if he can cover them, or to grey if his mum can.

Then any point it gets raised, you can just say “refer to the calendar” or “can you amend the calendar with what days you can do and ensure the red days are changed to purple or grey as I have covered all the ones I can”

Set up a weekly alert so you both get a text every Friday (for example) that says “check next fortnight’s calendar to see if any red days.”

Automate as much of the system as possible and at the end of this school year, you tell DH it’s his turn to set up the calendar for next year, marking up all the school holidays and give him a list of dates you can cover and let him sort the rest.

Some great responses glad it’s not just me. My job is really flexible around our son’s needs so I wouldn’t change jobs. In the holidays we usually need one or two days cover a week so dh probably covers 7/8 days a year, my sis does a few and dh parents probably around 5. Everything else is me as is term time care.

No he isn't.

He ought to say it x date WE need his mum to babysit - the kids belong to both parents

It definitely feels deliberate or at least subconscious. With his mum I’ve started saying loudly “I not sure I think you said the 27th?” 😂

But if the OP has literally texted him ‘You need to ask your parents or book off March 26th’, how can he ‘get it wrong’, assuming he’s literate?

He’s making out that he’s doing you a favour and making it harder for you to ask him than it is to just sort it out yourself, which is completely unfair. “Double checking” my foot. He’s just making it unpleasant so you don’t bother him with his responsibilities.

”He can’t keep doing this” - so what’s his bright idea then? Is he angling for you to give up work?

I don’t think so. I was a sahp until our son went to school but he supported me going back to work. If I question him he just says of course it’s fine he just doesn’t have many holidays and gets stressed about it. But he gets the same as me. 5 weeks plus bank hols and he always has about three days left in November that he has to take both the cut off he has never ran out.

You need to point out that childcare is your joint responsibility and not just yours! You are both parents and both need to take responsibility for covering childcare when you are both working. It's sounds like he is expecting you to deal with it as if it's primarily your responsibility - he is asking his parents because you BOTH need them to cover not because YOU want them to babysit!

You should plan ahead of keep asking arrange a set day or week for DH or DGPs to have DC then they can plan too. Could you get some respite or a support worker for your son to help?

Completely agree with PPs about his attitude. But separately, do you receive Short Breaks? In our area, we are able to use them to access specialist childcare during the holidays. My DD requires a lot of support and can’t access standard holiday clubs etc. Worth looking into if you haven’t already.

You need to sit down together with the school calendar at the start of the year, or whenever you both get your new annual leave allowance. Work out who’s covering which days and then put them in a shared calendar. Google calendar app works well on mobiles and you can invite other people to the “event”.

It's not you, he's a sexist pig who thinks childcare is only the woman's responsibility.

What we have here, is a case of weaponised incompetence. In checking with you, he's making it clear that the childcare is down to you and he's just 'helping'. Je making sure the onus is on you and he's quietly refusing responsibility.

School holiday cover can be difficult, and yes annual leave does dwindle, but it's the same for all working parents, he's no particularly hard done by!

Would he consider dropping a day at work? Or doing the same number of hours each? I think it would be very good for him.

I agree that you are not being sensitive and he is doing it deliberately. I can understand the text or email thing though. I find it very hard to understand anything unless it's written down.

sometimes he will make a point of saying he doesn’t have many holidays left so he can’t keep doing this

Who is supposed to do it if not your child’s parent?

This would drive me potty.

We have a joint calendar (time tree) on our phones. I put my shifts on there as does he. I write the childcare that I’ve sorted on the calendar. Then I highlight the days he needs to sort. All there in black and white.