Is this a problem? Or is it me

[notsureyetcertain]

So I struggle with asking for help. Dh and I have set roles in the house /family but some stuff is shared yet I often have to ask him to do stuff which bugs me. (Rather than him using initiative)
so one example is school holidays, I work part time and sometimes there’s days I can’t cover so I ask dh to book time off or to ask his parents to babysit. (Ds can’t access paid childcare due to his disability and we can’t afford a nanny)
ill ask dh and he will say can you text me the details when I’m at work. Which bugs me as he can write them down. But il text, he will then ring me to discuss it (all details in the text) and check why he’s booking the time off. Sometimes he will make a point of saying he doesn’t have many holidays left so he can’t keep doing this. I hate it because I feel bad for asking but he is a parent??

The other thing is asking his parents, I hate asking as they will moan or act like it’s an inconvenience but then on other occasions complain they don’t have ds enough. So I ask dh to ask (I do ask my family) I will give him all details he needs, everytime he will come and find me while he is on the phone and say “dw is it 29th March you need mum to babysit?”
He claims he just clarifying the details but it feels like he’s making his mum aware I am asking not him.

if I raise this he acts like I’m too sensitive and over reacting. What do you think?

You are both responsible for sorting child care. Work out the days you can’t do and tell him it’s his job to sort out childcare cover for half of them. Then on that day make sure you leave for work first so he can’t ‘forget’ and drop you in it.

Also, if he ran out of holiday, he could talk a week of unpaid parental leave, of which every adult with kids under 18 is entitled to 4 per child a year up to 18 weeks total. Work is not legally allowed to turn this down.

Hang on! OP works part time, DH works full time. Unless the OP is some sort of genius who is able to pull in a huge salary for part time work, her DH is actually contributing more financially, and less in availability. That’s what used to be called a partnership.

It is a shame that their child’s disability means they cannot resort to paid child care, but that is a fact which the family have to work around. Confrontation of the sort you advocate is not going to improve their lives.

I’d have a chat with him, and tell him how it comes across. He can’t keep doing this? If that doesn’t
smack of childcare is your problem I don’t know what would. That’s what you use your AL for when kids are little. My youngest of 3 is 17 in 2wks and I have so much AL now as i’ve been used to using it for childcare my whole working life. It’s nice to be able to book a day off and meet my friend up in London and go to a museum and sit in the park.

No wonder you are sensitive about it if he makes you feel bad about 'asking'. He's obviously not a bad person or dad but he needs to know how this makes you feel. Maybe buy him the You Should've asked comic book. It's genius for trying to explain the mental load and why it's so exhausting.

what a nob. You need to have this out with him. Find out why the hell he thinks it is solely your responsibility. Make it very clear you will not be asking HIS parents and he can look at the school term times himself.

Have you missed the part where OP does the vast, vast majority of childcare and the useless husband only needs to worry about a week per year? And financial contributions mean you parent as a percentage of your salary?

I’ve suggested this he says he doesn’t think work would allow it

He's just double checking to make sure he has the details correct. There's absolutely nothing wrong with what he's doing at all.

Also are you also using all of your annual leave to look after DS during the school holidays?

Have you looked into all school holiday provisions in my area there are specific ones for disabled children.

Surely she should ask as she's the one demanding that his parents help?

You do realise that in reality no one can afford to do that - right?

Plus surely it would make more financial sense for the parent who's working part time to do that so you only lose a part time wage for 2 weeks not 2 weeks of a full time wage?

This would piss me off no end - it's a joint responsibility but he clearly sees it as yours. A conversation needs to be had.

Why? Just so that her DH is never inconvenienced? She already works part-time so does most of the childcare in the holiidays but she sometimes needs her DH to use some annual leave and help. He is behaving as though it is totally her responsibility which is unfair.

This. Time to get the crayons out and explain it in words he understands.

“When a man and a woman love each other, sometimes they will have a baby and that baby becomes both of their responsibility. As grown adults, daddies are capable of doing pretty much everything that mummies and daddies that don’t are sexist arseholes.”

We have a spreadsheet that works exactly like this!

My friends said I’m weirdly organised, I’m glad someone else does it too.

Can you put a clear schedule on the wall.
It is irritating, DH will do any job, he would sweep the rooftop, if i asked, but rarely shows initiative and wouldn't have a clue around holidays.

The deal is, that tolerate it and he jumps if asked.

Can you hire a local student for the school days off, trying to avoid using annual leave.

That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.

He thinks managing the school holidays is your job and not a shared one. This is why you’re the manager of this task and he’s only helping out as a favour to assist you.
you need to switch this so he understands it’s a shared role.
he should also understand that your whole lives are shared and there’s no room for rigidity.

He thinks managing the school holidays is your job and not a shared one. This is why you’re the manager of this task and he’s only helping out as a favour to assist you.
If OP is working PT and he is working FT , it usually falls to the part-time parent to organise.
Without a spreadsheet or calendar it is difficult.
Plenty of students will be happy to help for extra money.

Yanbu, irritating.