Mum says I don't see her enough but she makes no effort with me

[CJP2016]

I am in my 30's married with two children. I would like to have a closer relationship with my Mum but I find her hard work. My Mum remarried about 15 years ago and although I get on with her husband he is also difficult. He comments constantly that I don't see my Mum enough or if I contact her it's because I want something. His comments have influenced my Mum and now she even makes snide comments. I have a younger brother who also has two children and my Mum and her partner see them all the time as my Mum has always looked after them once a week while my brother and SIL worked and picked them up from school. Dare I say it but I feel they favour them as they are boys and have commented that my girls are 'difficult'.
If I asked my Mum to look after my children 9 out of 10 times she would so I am not saying that she won't look after them/help me out, but she won't actively say she'd like to see them or ask to look after them.
We all live close (5 mins drive/10-15 walk away) to each other.
I am happy to make more of an effort to see my Mum but I feel that she could also make an effort and come to see me and my children. She works part time (as do I) but I have the kids and their after-school activities etc whereas she has a lot more free time. Am I being unreasonable to expect this?

You're being very vague. What is it you want from her?

Have you had a hard look at yourself to see if there’s any truth in what her dh is saying?

Could people find your dc “difficult”?

It’s really hard to say if YABU without knowing the other viewpoint.

Apologies, I would like to see her more but I don't want the comments about not seeing her enough as why would I want to see someone who is basically being hurtful. I realise I maybe need to talk to my Mum and explain the comments upset me. But I would also like her to make more of an effort with me. I am saying am I being unreasonable to expect the effort from her?

I thought this too and have seen your update.

If you want to see her more, then see her more.
Then if / when she comments you dont see her enough you say "i saw you 3 days ago and I'm here now... what exactly do you want from me?"

How often do you see her?

Sorry I am saying that they find my girls difficult compared to my nephew's. My nephew's are a bit older and spend time on consoles/tablets so they are easier to look after in that sense and don't need entertaining. My girls prefer to draw/create etc and my Mum and her husband don't really like that they have to participate or find something for them to do if they look after them.

I agree that I could see my Mum more often, yes. I don't agree that I only contact her when I want something, no (unless you count that I would like her to make more of an effort on her side??)

It’s easier to criticise others than criticise ourselves. Maybe your girls are more difficult than your brothers boys. Maybe your brother is more pro active and appreciative. Maybe you seem harder work and less open and affectionate than you could be. I don’t know, of course. It could be that your mother and her partner are irrational and are fictionalising you as a hobby because there’s nothing good on TV.

Maybe once a month. We will talk/text more often, maybe once a week. My mum will say we haven't seen you got ages why don't you come round on Tuesday night? I will usually have to say no as my kids have clubs on that evening and will suggest another day. If I suggest she comes to see me she usually says she wants me to come to see her.

Tell her she knows how to find you.

But you are only 5 mins away, why can you not call on a Sunday and say we are free on x eve this week shall we call past for a cuppa? Or what are you doing on sat/sun “would you like to come round for dinner/go for a walk? Or shall I come to you and I’ll bring dessert? It’s not that hard to plan something surely?

My mil said this even though we saw her often, my husband responded by saying that we live the exact same distance as she does to us and the last 10? times we saw her was because we came to her home and she's welcome to call any time. In my opinion it doesn't matter if it's your mother you don't have to do the running all the time and they also have to participate in facilitating a relationship. If they say again you only call when you want something I would be inclined to respond by asking for specific examples (the old bit if childcare can't be used against you either as they often look after your nephews) same goes if they mention your girls being difficult, I would point out that it's due to them comparing them to older kids who have passive interests and needing a bit if supervision doesn't make them difficult. It's as if they want to feel wronged, I can't stand that trait in people so I might seem a bit blunt but I think by spinning it back on them to show them to get off their high horse is the way

I agree and I am only seeing it from my side. My husband agrees that my Mum isn't really fair as she always expects me to see her and not the other way round but he also thinks I don't spend enough time with her so he won't really get involved.
I will talk to my Mum about how I feel and hope she will in return tell me her feelings on the matter.

You can show them you resent their opinions and think they have a victim mentality. It will foster a better connection between you all, and you will feel great.

Do you mean you'd like her to come to your house sometimes instead of always going to hers? Do you invite her? for Sunday lunch or whatever?

I have to admit I think seeing her only once a month when you live so nearby suggests something is off. Since Covid (and before she died) I tried to see my Mum monthly and she lived 2.5 hours drive away - and we weren't particularly close!

I am sorry for your loss.
I agree it's off. I have friends who's parents live 50 plus miles away and they see them every other week, although I will say that they are retired and mostly come to visit my friend.
I think the effort needs to be equal and I feel it isn't. I think the expectation is I must always go to her.
I have invited them round a few times for Sunday lunch/takeaway etc and they have come. I admit I haven't done this in a while as they complained about my cooking last time lol. My Mum's partner used to be a chef so can be quite particular.

Do you invite them over, say for Sunday Lunch or a BBQ or anything? They might be more willing to come if it's for a specific purpose rather than making it sound like you just can't be bothered to go over to theirs!

My mother had this thing where everyone went to the grandmother. She told us she 'didn't do house visits ' although she was happy to visit her friends. It was totally weird as she barely went near her own mother when she was around. I went NC when she set me an ultimatum, either run after her or not bother. I chose not to bother ( whole history of scapegoating abuse from her). She never contacted me but would comment about never hearing from me. She definitely saw herself as more important and higher in the pecking order.

Does she and her husband see children having the onus to visit parents?

I also had the boys are more important than girls thing. ie doted on my brother, saw me as responsible for looking after everyone else

Yes I think my full family have the mentality of the girls/women/daughters should do the most. I think my Mum used to be the one to do a lot for my Grandmother so I think she expects the same from me. Her husband comes from a family where the daughters look after the elders and the sons can do as they please. He has 4 sisters and 3 brothers and all of the brothers have married and moved away and the sisters all have stayed close near his parents. This is where his comments towards me stem from.

Hi op we expected to do all the running but my mam older. Yes she prob could call to you more I do accept if your girls at school your afternoons are busy. But they just see it from their point of view!

I was expected to go find a late night pharmacy to pick up prescriptions for my grandmother (not urgent) or take her shopping in her wheelchair, the one time my brother went to visit she was suddenly able to go out shopping (on foot) for the ingredients for his favourite meal which she lovingly prepared. Hallelujah, it's a miracle 😂

It's good to hear generational internalised misogyny is alive and well in the 21st century!

Do you like her husband, @CJP2016 ?

Any issues ??

I don't dislike him. He wouldn't be someone I would be friends with due to the way he shares his views. My Mum loves him and seems happy with him so that's enough for me. I can tolerate him. He's just not my cup of tea so to say.

Maybe that’s part of it then, @CJP2016

Your mum probably senses that you’re not the biggest fan, bound to cause issues

There seems to be a weird expectation by some older people that it's up to their children to visit them. Sitting at home like some grand matriarch being visited and attended to by her children and grandchildren
My own mother is similar, she complains she hardly sees anyone, but despite being retired for 25 years, being able to drive and her family all having ft jobs/kids and busy lives etc she won't make the effort to visit.