To want to split with DH after 25 years together?

[stoviesfortea]

I have had thoughts of leaving DH on and off throughout our marriage but it’s always been too difficult. Kids too young, finances etc. We are very different and I actually don’t know why we even got together. It feels like it just happened and now 25 years later and 18 years of marriage, here I am.

We generally get on and have had many good times but the same old arguments and clashes come up time and time again. It’s hard to get compromises and when we argue we both just seethe and hold resentment, push it away, ignore it and then things go back to normal. But then a few months later the arguments appear again.

A big issue is I think DH has ASD (which he doesn’t believe) as one of the things we’ve always clashed over is his avoidance of people and socialising, I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s gone out with me and my friends in the 25 years together. We do separate activities and I actually avoid going out with him as he’s so awkward if we bump into anyone. I have learned to live an essentially separate life apart from the things we do at home with the kids. I’m actually fine having this sort of life so a life without him might not feel much different. He also lacks empathy and insight and this really gets to me.

The latest argument was that he blew up when I said I wanted our kitchen done up (it’s literally falling apart) and he said no as has a total issue with workmen being in the house. We’ve had house stuff done over the years but he’s always said it’s ‘hell’ and has major issues with workmen being in our house.

We are also clashing over money. We’ve always been independent finance wise (own accounts but have a joint account too and split all bills), fairly comfortable (not rich but not poor) and mortgage now paid off. I recently got a decent amount of money so we can totally afford to do the house up and go on some nice holidays. Although I’ve said this is essentially family money he has this weird male pride thing where he says HE can’t afford these things so we can’t do them. Even though the money is sitting there! It’s bloody bizarre and feels a bit controlling. We had a huge argument over this with me saying I’ll pay for holidays and the kitchen and he’s saying they don’t need done and he can’t afford them anyway. AIBU to think that’s weird?!

We also clash over sex- he would happily do it every night whereas I cannot be arsed. We do have sex about once a week but if there’s a gap of even a few weeks he goes in a weird mood and we’ve had major arguments about this in the past.

He also says I constantly nag but he is so untidy and messy and I’m sick of running about after him and our kids. We have 2 daughters who are nearing the end of school and the thought of them going off to uni and me being with DH for another 18 years does not fill me with joy, the opposite in fact 😢

He has some pluses too but the minuses always seem to trump these.

I’ve said before we should split but I’ve never followed through with it. This time though feels different as the kids are older, I think they’d be OK and maybe not majorly surprised, I could potentially buy him out of the house, and I am getting no younger (we are in our 50’s)

AIBU to finally split?!!

OP, you sound lovely but you know how it'll be in 5, 10, 20 years and it's really not what you want. It's OK to be done, and it sounds as though you're in a brilliant position financially too, which will help a lot.

I agree with Pps, use the time before exams are over to get advice, think things through and make your plans. Once you've done it, yes it'll be hard but I'm certain you'll feel mainly relief, and it's great that your kids are a little older. The rest of your life is a long time. Step over that line and you'll flourish. X

I'm not sure what BIG CONVO you're intending to have.

See a solicitor. Work out what you're entitled to and what youll do about the house. Make sure you have copies of all the important paperwork. Tell DH that you're going to divorce him. Complete the paperwork / online forms. Send the divorce application in.

I expect DH will get cross, but who cares? He's not your problem.

I was married for 21 years before I got the nerve up to end it with ex. I only wished I'd done it years before. Making the adjustment from married to single was very hard but it was absolutely worth it. You can do it, OP. As expressed above, who cares what he has to say about it all?

Get out. Be prepared that he will want half of the money you've recently gained.
Life is too short, just do it.

Can you at least stop having unwanted sex with him OP? I get why you are waiting to have the split discussion but could you at least put an end to that?

I've been on this site 25 years. Baby center put me onto it when pregnant.

I've read many threads where ND women had the moment where they realised, addressed their issues. Went to therapy, bought the books to learn about themselves. Learnt coping strategies. Strive daily.

Men rarely make this enormous effort.

See @Sicario 's post at 9.39. She's put a good list of what you'll need. And yes, you need to see a different lawyer. I'll add to take your recent wills. Those probably have a lot of financial information on them. I assume you have a copy of his? If not, and it can be done quietly, get one. See a solicitor who handles divorces. He or she will give you information regarding filing requirements, timelines, and the steps in a divorce. Some divorces are simple, some are terribly complicated. You can't go by what someone else tells you theirs was like.

What it means is planning for your future. Learning what divorce will mean to you financially. This will help you set yourself a realistic budget in order to find a place to live, what you can afford to spend on food, utilities, etc. It will also tell you what your timeline to 'freedom' is and when to make certain moves.

The fact that you've been separate with money is good. That means you pretty much already know what your monthly income is and where it goes, and what you have in the bank. But right now I assume you're sharing 'household costs' so your living expenses are less than if you were on your own. You need to be able to figure out what you will have, on your own, to maintain a household. And having been separate, you may not truly know what he has and where it goes. Both of you will have to make full and honest declarations of income and assets. And you and your solicitor will need to go over your husband's to be sure you feel he isn't hiding things from you. And don't think "Oh, he would never do that!". Remember "When love flies out the window, the wolf walks in the door".

A solicitor, with your information will be able to tell you roughly what you can expect of a marital settlement. This is your share of the combined marital assets. They'll also tell you exactly what the marital assets are. The house of course. And pension pots are subject to being included. But anything either of you have accumulated during the marriage may also be considered a marital asset. So for example let's say that he or you have a savings account of £20,000.00. It is in his/your sole name. That savings was accumulated during the marriage. That savings will most likely be a marital asset and included when it comes to dividing things up. So it may be that things you thought were yours you will have to share. And things you thought were his he may have to share. They can also advise you as to whether or not it is wise to leave the family home or whether you should 'stay put' during the legalities.

Also, if there are minor children (I think there are?) there will be the issue of where will they live and what child maintenance will be paid, and by whom.

I know that a lot of this will sound overwhelming. But it is all handled bit by bit during the legal process. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

If no-one else's male partner was been invited then the husband of the hostess should have made himself scarce for most of the evening.
Or has the sad sap got no friends of his own?
As a guest in that scenario I would have found his presence intrusive - a real dampener on female conversation.
Why would the hostess not invite other males? Maybe her poor husband can't compete with them socially?

It's a pity you can't buy a small property or flat and kit that out as you want and have your friends over to that instead.... Then just go home for the family stuff!

Spend thousands on a flat to be actually happy then force yourself to go home to your miserable husband who won’t keep the house tidy and you have to make yourself have sex with. Why on earth would anyone do that? After a month the op wouldn’t bother going home at all and who would blame her…

It was written slightly tongue in cheek... But it shows the way she could leave, over a period of time, that would allow the kids to get used to the new reality...... But you're right, in isolation, makes no sense.

You have been married for 25 years and have teenaged kid's. You have figured out the your husband has undiagnosed ASD. Of course in his eyes he does not have this and won't get tested. He wants everything his way always. He can't understand at times that your unhappy or could do with some support when life is being difficult for you. Your kids don't want to bring their friends over to you house either because of him.
Your house needs work done to it and he won't let this happen.

I think that you have finally realised that your kids will be leaving home soon. Your looking into the future and you no longer want to put up with his lack of understanding or lack of making any effort for you or this kid's. You no longer want to deal with his issues and I think as he gets older this will get worse.

In your situation I would get legal advice off a few divorce solicitors. Go to the best ones in your area so he cant use them. White down a list of questions for them and bring all the documents mentioned in earlier post's. Tell them about your inheritance to make sure he can't claim this. In regards to the house I would push for it to be sold and you both get 50% of its sale price less costs.

You can buy a place that suits you better, needing no work and with lower running costs. Get a 2 bedroom place and have a good foldout couch in the sitting room for guests and a spare room for your kids.

Start to write down questions and make a list of jobs to be done in the house. Sell a few things online that you no longer want or need. Set up a new email account. Buy a new phone and tablet for your use only.

I would just quietly make plans and get things in order to tell him after your child's exams and work from their. He won't be happy with this but tell him that you had enough of his total lack of respect and the total lack of effort he makes for you or the kid's for year's.
Tell him he can buy you out of the house or the house can be sold and you both get 50%. I would not listen to I can change, promises ect because he has had years to find out if he has ASD, work on himself and make changes and he has done nothing.

I have seen men like him and they get worse with age.

It won't be easy now but you deserve to have a better life than what he is offering now and in the future.

Ooft.

Thanks for your opinion but it’s quite harsh. You’re not in my shoes and I am capable of making my own (very serious) decisions without mumsnet telling me what to do. I’ve clearly been in this situation for a long time and it’s tiring. People change, feelings change, things are realised. Just because you start off with something doesn’t mean you must continue with it if it’s giving you grief.

Just because he loves me is not enough reason for me to stay. Why should I accept something ‘aduquate’. That’s what I’ve been doing but when I actually stop to think of things he’s done / not done it’s quite a lot. I’m trying not to assassinate his character as we have lots of good times too, but the same things keep coming up over and over and I am so bloody tired of it.

There’s no way he would see a counsellor as he thinks any men who go and talk about their feelings are wimps. Plus I wouldn’t want to see one either. I’m not looking to resolve things any more, but looking how to actually change the situation and only I can do that as he clearly hasn’t over the years.

Thank you. I just wanted to clarify I don’t think he would actually NOT give the kids money if I died next week, what I meant was that he has this weird view of ‘I wasn’t helped financially by my parents so why should I help the kids?’.

We had an argument when making the wills as I actually asked him ‘if I died will you still help the kids out when they're older?’ He said he couldn’t believe I thought he wouldn’t give them any money and of course he would. I had to clarify it’s only cos he said he’s not prepared to help them
out after they go to uni as they are adults then. Which is bizarre in itself. He says that’s what student loans are for. I don’t want to just give money to my kids and them think they don’t need to work for it but equally I don’t believe in them being saddled with a ton of student debt if they don’t need to be.

That’s fair enough, but it’s more than just money isn’t it. It’s about what your relationship with the kids will be like after they’ve fully left home, will they want to come to visit both of you, will they feel they can come home if life gets tough or if they can ask for help if they get into debt or make a poor choice. What the previous poster said about help not stopping at 18 is true, but if the case came about would it realistically be better if you were not together?

EXACTLY how I felt! A year into my independent, singleton life and the only minor regret is not splitting up sooner!
Get your ducks in a row, decide on the best time to do it and leeeave!

Thanks, see my last comment to clarify re the inheritance thing…

As for being involved in school things 😳
Huge argument when he didn’t go to youngest child’s primary school leavers assembly. He moaned about it, said he would then on the afternoon of it he said he had a work thing on and couldn’t go 🤬 I’m sure organised on purpose to avoid it.

He went to most primary sports days but only in the afternoon after the parent picnic socialising bit. I was always there eating lunch on my own (with friends but whose partners were with them) and he would pop along later for 20 mins then go home again, always saying he had work on.

DD1 won two prizes last year at school and there was an award ceremony. He didn’t go. Said he already knew she had won the prizes so didn’t see why he had to go to the school ceremony. 😳🤬 DD1 shrugged it off but I was raging. I was also so embarrassed and told the other parents DH was ill and that’s why he wasn’t there.

He's never ever been to a parents night. Not through primary or secondary. Again it’s his literal mind ‘I know they are doing well so why do I need to go?’ and also cos I go he thinks there’s no need for him to. I do think it’s the social avoidance again though.

He has no friends in our community and doesn’t hang out with other dads / go to the pub / out on his bike with others. A few have actually said along the way if he wanted to go for a cycle and he’s always said no. He will say hello to folk he knows and can be fine at times if eg a neighbour pal of mine drops in but it always feels quite awkward. If I say any of this to him he will say he’s perfectly interactive with others and it’s all in my head.

Thanks for this comprehensive reply. Lots of food for thought. I didn’t realise savings accumulated during the marriage would be seen as marital assets as I’ve saved money to help in retirement / for my kids etc. It’s not massive but it’s still all my own savings. I think (hope) my inheritance may be protected though under Scottish Law and it’s not a marital asset.

I don’t actually know what he has in savings / investments and he doesn’t know what I have. Another example of how separate we are 😬

@stoviesfortea

Write down a list of all your questions. The solicitor will be happy to answer them.

I don't think I'm being harsh, just pointing out some of the things that aren't being mentioned. To me, it seems unusual to break up a family because you're feeling fed-up. Okay, so he's got a different opinion from you about leaving money to your children, but plenty of people think like that. Okay, so he complains about the window cleaner coming, but I should have thought that's being irritating ...
You've said that there are several good things about the marriage and that's why I find the thread strange, though not for Mumsnet, of course, just par for the course.
In fact, my opinion, based on what you say, is that you won't end up divorcing. It seems to me that you've got what a lot of people would envy.

Erm…

I’m not even sure how to begin answering your post. To say I’m just ‘fed up’ feels completely invalidating. Like I’m some sort of spoiled wife who should be grateful cos she has a man who loves her. Even though his behaviour doesn’t demonstrate this or see what she needs and never will as he lacks empathy, compassion and insight. I find the relationship extremely tiring, anxiety provoking, depressing, challenging, and embarrassing. Yes there are good times I will admit that but the whole point of my post is that the same themes come up time and time and time again and I am at the end of my tether. I didn’t just wake up and think ‘I’m fed up’. This is an accumulation of 25 years.

To say my situation is something to envy is also bizarre- what do you think others would envy?

I must admit, I was going to respond, but then thought 'nah, the poster is so way off the mark that she wouldn't get it if I responded'.

They would envy your family and your home, a husband who loves you. I know how much envy I feel from women who don't have a husband/children.
But let's leave it there.
I don't think you're spoilt, but going through a difficult time and it's a shame to throw your family away on the hope life will be better unencumbered.

I would say it’s easy to say you love someone. It’s just a word after all

what really counts is demonstrating love which the OP husband has consistently failed to do.

At no point did I say I was throwing my family away. My family mean the world to me and as the kids grow older and naturally move on in their own adult life I am wondering what life will be like for me then. I also don’t hate my husband and if we did split we would probably keep in touch (or maybe I’m being naive) and it’s about how me move forward with change in a healthy way and still as a family