To want to split with DH after 25 years together?

[stoviesfortea]

I have had thoughts of leaving DH on and off throughout our marriage but it’s always been too difficult. Kids too young, finances etc. We are very different and I actually don’t know why we even got together. It feels like it just happened and now 25 years later and 18 years of marriage, here I am.

We generally get on and have had many good times but the same old arguments and clashes come up time and time again. It’s hard to get compromises and when we argue we both just seethe and hold resentment, push it away, ignore it and then things go back to normal. But then a few months later the arguments appear again.

A big issue is I think DH has ASD (which he doesn’t believe) as one of the things we’ve always clashed over is his avoidance of people and socialising, I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s gone out with me and my friends in the 25 years together. We do separate activities and I actually avoid going out with him as he’s so awkward if we bump into anyone. I have learned to live an essentially separate life apart from the things we do at home with the kids. I’m actually fine having this sort of life so a life without him might not feel much different. He also lacks empathy and insight and this really gets to me.

The latest argument was that he blew up when I said I wanted our kitchen done up (it’s literally falling apart) and he said no as has a total issue with workmen being in the house. We’ve had house stuff done over the years but he’s always said it’s ‘hell’ and has major issues with workmen being in our house.

We are also clashing over money. We’ve always been independent finance wise (own accounts but have a joint account too and split all bills), fairly comfortable (not rich but not poor) and mortgage now paid off. I recently got a decent amount of money so we can totally afford to do the house up and go on some nice holidays. Although I’ve said this is essentially family money he has this weird male pride thing where he says HE can’t afford these things so we can’t do them. Even though the money is sitting there! It’s bloody bizarre and feels a bit controlling. We had a huge argument over this with me saying I’ll pay for holidays and the kitchen and he’s saying they don’t need done and he can’t afford them anyway. AIBU to think that’s weird?!

We also clash over sex- he would happily do it every night whereas I cannot be arsed. We do have sex about once a week but if there’s a gap of even a few weeks he goes in a weird mood and we’ve had major arguments about this in the past.

He also says I constantly nag but he is so untidy and messy and I’m sick of running about after him and our kids. We have 2 daughters who are nearing the end of school and the thought of them going off to uni and me being with DH for another 18 years does not fill me with joy, the opposite in fact 😢

He has some pluses too but the minuses always seem to trump these.

I’ve said before we should split but I’ve never followed through with it. This time though feels different as the kids are older, I think they’d be OK and maybe not majorly surprised, I could potentially buy him out of the house, and I am getting no younger (we are in our 50’s)

AIBU to finally split?!!

Genuinely, what positives have you taken from the op that are actually beneficial to her in this relationship? Not just ‘she has a man who loves her’ (let’s not even go into the good dad thing, he’s not), practically? Not a stand back and look at the big picture or how anyone passing would see it, in the stand close and see the actual details way. Because the op has shared the details and none of it sounds changeable or a happy existence for her.

Eh? So why is she posting here then?

60 here and I completely agree with you.
Surrounded by happily married women.
Women who divorced selfish twats.
Women in their 50's that never married and live very full happy lives, and look at least 15 years younger than they are

Thankfully in my large circle I don't have the "stick it out with a nasty abusive selfish twat" crew.

That was my mothers generation and they did.

My father was one such selfish twat.

She is posting on here to seek support in taking that final difficult decision. Is that so hard to understand? When you have been miserable for so long, misery is your 'normal'. You can't see the wood for the trees, because you no longer know what a healthy relationship feels like. So you seek outside advice. I did it too. Mumsnet is great at telling women that they are not rehabilitation centres for awful or inadequate men.

I am 64! And I disagree vehemently with @SixtySomething ! My own mothers generation —now she is 92–were more enlightened than “sixty something”. They were the generation that forged ahead and ended bad marriages and fought for equality. The idea that the woman has to stay tied to a bad marriage until the man stops saying he loves her is a recipe for abuse. His perspective doesn’t rule here. If OP isn’t happy with this man—and I don’t see how she can be—she has a perfect right to move on.

This is all beyond ridiculous !

People keep laying into me for saying women 'have to' stay in bad marriages, despite the fact that I keep repeating that I am in no way saying what anyone should do.
I don't think women should stay in bad marriages.

I'm not responding to any more pointless attacks.

What you’re actually saying is ‘you shouldn’t stay in a bad marriage, but to me a bad marriage is only if your spouse is abusive and anything lesser is not a good enough reason not to stick it out’. You’ve used the phrase ‘throwing it away’ and said others must be envious of the op for simply having a husband. You’re entitled to your views of course, but others are allowed to bring up how very outdated your opinions are about the lines women are allowed to draw themselves for individual happiness.

It’s our wedding anniversary tomorrow. I’ve not mentioned it at all but DH just did. He said ‘shall we get a take away in?’. Meanwhile my pal who I was out with last night is getting whisked away for a European city break next month for her wedding anniversary.

I had mentioned ages ago (pre argument) that we should maybe go out for dinner just me and him. I didn’t book anything though and he would never think to do that himself. I can’t even think of one time in our whole 25 years he’s booked a table somewhere let alone somewhere special and taken me out for a special surprise treat. Not once.

Pah.

Oh I am sorry! Its just one more straw of his emotional incompetence and coldness to you! If he “can’t help it” then he can’t help it and won’t change. I hope one day soon you are able to treat your self to a well deserved holiday to celebrate your independence!

Your DH seems to be showing ASD behaviour and could learn to modify the behaviours which upset you. Presumably he would be willing, with persuasion, to get help to do this to save his marriage.

😂😂😂
You clearly have no idea what ASD means.
This idea he’d be able to modify his behaviour etc?? Yes if he had been taught that way as a child. As a 50(?)yo, with all the ingrained habits, automatic reactions and trauma from living with ND? Forget it. It’s not going to happen.
And that wo talking about the fact that issues with perspective taking and rigidity are part and parcel of ASD.

No marriage and 25 years together are worth your sanity.

You presume wrong. I’ve brought his behaviours up many a time over the years and suggested he has ASD. Even got him to do an online screening test which he scored very highly in!!! He still laughed at me / got angry and denied he has any autistic stuff going on and said the things he ticked were all very normal. He’s not willing to see how he is at all and gets defensive / says it’s all in my head if I point anything out.

He will never change.

You have given this man at least 25 years of your life.
The only present worth anything now is a new life without him.

I went out early this morning with DD1 for her Saturday sports thing. DH was still sleeping when we left (not actually sure if he was). I’ve spent the morning walking and thinking and each day my negative feelings about the marriage strengthen. Not sure how I’ll get through today what with it being our wedding anniversary 😳😳😳 I am a terrible liar so he must know things are on my mind and there’s clearly an atmosphere 😞

I suspect, as you have said yourself, that he is telling himself that you are just upset becuase DD is leaving. This allows him to remove responsibility from himself for any of the issues.

If, on some level, he is vaguelly aware, you can expect the "nice" behaviour to ramp up. It sounds like he has always done the bare minimum to ensure you stay, that minimum level has obviously gone up now so it will be interesting t see if he clocks that and acts accordingly (until he thinks that you've "forgiven" him or "got over it" and he returns to the shitty behaviour from before). This can also work for him becuase if, for example, you return home and he's popped out to get you a nice card or suggested a takeaway, and you are not suitably grateful and loving in return he can turn it into blaming you, "well, I can't do anything right, can I?"

I recognise your thought processes, OP. I had similar yo-yo thinking before I ended it with my long term husband. One minute I was thinking 'I have to leave, I just can't stand it' and the next it was 'well, he's not ALL bad, and it's going to be so disruptive for everyone' etc etc. Needless to say, I DID end it. Yes it was hard but oh the relief! And the joy. Joy can be yours if you just take that step. Best wishes.

Again fairly similar to my situation. As our children had been diagnosed I did suggest he may be as well. Initially fought greatly against it but after scoring highly in the test did accept it was likely. He actually went as far as putting in a referral for diagnosis, but then gave up on it. His words were ‘I’ve decided to lean into it’ - that meant that instead of finding compromise and supporting in places he was struggling, I should just accept everything as it was because he was likely autistic and had no plans on working around anything. This is why every bit of my efforts now go into supporting our ASD children so they don’t have exhausted spouses in the future (if they do choose to have longterm relationships!).

OP, in your situation I wouldn't be making any reference to the anniversary and I would firmly blow off the idea of celebrating anything.

This is an opportunity to drive home the fact that the marriage will likely be ending.

Celebrate it and it will feed it to his convenient delusion that you are fussing over nothing.
He will likely throw back at you in the near future that you celebrated it.

Best to say no thanks, nothing to celebrate here!

Have your kids had boyfriends/girlfriends yet?

How did he/would he cope?

Ahem

I am a 'boomer' (loathe the term) of 70+

And I don't agree with one word @SixtySomething has said

My generation and the one before started and continued 'women's lib' And I'm behind @stoviesfortea every step of the way

I know what you mean @Lokens but I’m trying to pretend things aren’t as bad just so I don’t rock the boat while the kids have their exams coming up. I’m 100% certain in my head it’s over but I’m laying low for a while while I get my ducks in a row. I’ve organised counselling for myself starting next week so I have a space to really talk it all through (myself). I’ve written a list of all his twattiness and seem to be adding to it daily when I remember things from the past.

I came home today and he had made lunch (toast with cheese so nothing special) and said ‘happy anniversary’ and sort of laughed (not in an evil way) as he knows I’m not happy. He said ‘shall we get a takeaway?’ to which I said ‘yes OK’. He said to our kids we will get an Indian ‘so your mum doesn’t need to drive to get it’ (the Indian is the only one that delivers here). I said ‘why am I the one who always has to drive to get it?!’ And my words washed over him.

He also said ‘it’s not really our anniversary anyway, our real anniversary is the day we met’ WTF- he’s clearly downplaying today cos he’s done fuck all yet again. No card, flowers or chocs. Not that we normally exchange gifts anyway on our anniversary but I realised I’ve only ever received ONE greeting card from him in the 25 years we’ve been together and that was in our first year. Neither of us has gone to give the other a kiss to say happy anniversary but I can be sure he will try to paw me in bed as soon as he thinks I’m back to normal again.

I actually said that - my mother was also in the ‘baby boomer’ generation, though on the cusp of gen x (not using boomer as a negative, as a millennial I know how generational terms are used negatively!). Baby boomers were a far more progressive generation in terms of women’s liberation, but some obviously have held on to.. more conservative values like the poster here. But certainly women born in the 50s/60s paved the way for women’s rights to divorce and much more. Sorry if you felt I was having a go.

@Nanny0ggnothing too serious but when they’ve had potential boyfriend dilemmas they always come to me and never him. They’ve not brought anyone home yet. Their pals used to be in and out the house when they were younger but DH would always grump about it and use the excuse ‘I’m working’ and didn’t want kids running about in the house. DD1 actually had some pals over the other week as I asked her to have them here as they usually go elsewhere, they went to her room but DH rolled his eyes when I said they were coming and said ‘but I just want to have a chilled night and not have people in the house’. 🙄🙄🙄

I stood my ground though and told DD to bring her pals over. He doesn’t stand and chat with their pals though and just makes himself scare if folk come over. The kids have a joke about the time he hid in the toilet when someone briefly popped in years ago- he actually did 😳

This is where I’m at 😬😩

Not aimed at you at all.
It was the slightly younger than me 'boomer' who I'd got issues with

@stoviesfortea

You know, maybe it's just me but as far as your anniversary goes, why 'celebrate' a dead thing? If I wanted out of my marriage the last thing I'd want to do is put on a fake happy face and act like everything is rosy. I understand him not doing anything is hurtful, but just look on it as further validation that you are doing the right thing.

As far as what SixtySomething said, it's easy to wag your finger when you aren't the one having to live a fake life in a dead marriage. Or to justify the fact that one is living that way so anyone not making that choice must be 'wrong'.

As a Boomer (and proud of it) I celebrate you and your decision. I have seen women my age group living miserable lives because of 'the children' (who are usually old enough to understand) and 'the vows' (that their H's have usually already broken in some way). I feel sorry for them. And I have seen other women in my age group who have realized that on the road of our lives there is a LOT more road in our rear view mirrors than there is road up ahead and have chosen to live the rest of their lives in peace and happiness. I applaud them.

You just carry on quietly making your plans and getting those ducks in a row. Slow and steady wins the race.