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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dinner with ex wife ?

33 replies

Mimicat723 · 16/03/2025 09:19

Hello
Ive been with my partner 11 years , he’s a good man and my soul mate . He has 2 sons 26 and 29 with his ex wife . He’d been divorced years when I met him . She has never met anyone else .
From what I’ve heard in the past , she absolutely rinsed him when they divorced , he gave everything to her , he ended up for a couple of years sleeping on friends sofas .
From day one of meeting him she’s always been there , ringing him up at first getting him to do DIY round her house , the 2 sons don’t have partners and there’s been issues with them growing up , nothing major but she babies both of them and they live with her .
Christmas , Fathers Day , Birthdays he goes over there , his mum passed away last year and she went to the funeral even though she hadn’t seen his mum for 15 years .
Youd have thought I’d be used to it , but yesterday as it was his birthday in the week he was going out with his 2 boys for dinner , but he got home and I found out she’d gone too ! I feel so angry about it . AIBU?
Its messing with my head !

OP posts:
Squiggles23 · 16/03/2025 09:34

Yea I would be frustrated to. Ultimately he needs to say no though and have better boundaries.

OtterlyMad · 16/03/2025 09:38

I wouldn’t like it either. Sounds like your partner needs to grow a backbone! It’s not like the kids are young and there’s a risk of parental alienation or custody/visitation issues. As a child of divorced parents, I’m all for couples to remain on amicable terms but going out for family dinners together (without you!) and doing her DIY is too much.

Ketchupbroc · 16/03/2025 09:38

From what I’ve heard in the past , she absolutely rinsed him when they divorced , he gave everything to her

heard from him I imagine

and yet his action rather indicate that this isn’t the case

stayathomer · 16/03/2025 09:40

The kids could have asked for this though? Yes you’re his and their family but no matter what so is she, they’re linked. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything about your family (him, you and adult children)

strawberrysea · 16/03/2025 09:41

They are still weirdly enmeshed after all this time. It would really bother me, too. I know people say this on here to goad but I’m asking sincerely, have you spoken to him about it?

Original poster
Mimicat723 · 16/03/2025 11:02

Ketchupbroc · 16/03/2025 09:38

From what I’ve heard in the past , she absolutely rinsed him when they divorced , he gave everything to her

heard from him I imagine

and yet his action rather indicate that this isn’t the case

No that’s the weird thing , she took everything from him , his brothers and their wives told me the same thing . She really is a piece of work

OP posts:
Original poster
Mimicat723 · 16/03/2025 11:05

I’ve spoken to him about it on numerous occasions over the years . We just end up rowing and dont talk to each other for a couple of days , it then gets forgotten about until the next time 😖

OP posts:
hopesforsummer · 16/03/2025 11:05

stayathomer · 16/03/2025 09:40

The kids could have asked for this though? Yes you’re his and their family but no matter what so is she, they’re linked. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything about your family (him, you and adult children)

This

Millymoonshine · 16/03/2025 11:08

You need better boundaries.
Taken for a mug is what you are.

BarneyRonson · 16/03/2025 11:11

People that have loved and cared for one another still acting like family is a good role model I think. Isolation is a modern disease, mental health suffers from isolation. She is still single, and he is her children’s father. I think I’d err on the side of generosity, it all seems harmless inclusivity.

whistlesandbells · 16/03/2025 11:18

26 and 29. By now birthdays dinners should be only with their dad (and you, if that works). His mother’s funeral?! And his brothers and sisters allowed this?
No this would not (and does not) work for me. He basically has a second family. Or you’re the second family but it’s in the open.

OctopusSexArm · 16/03/2025 11:25

Absolutely fucking not.

I may be biased, as my ex cheated on me with his ex though!

But this kind of relationship with the kids being bloody adults is a huge no.

When my now husband and I got together he had a bit of a weird co dependent relationship with his ex, they still shared a lot of stuff and I pointed if I moved in it stopped, because that's not healthy at all. (He actually realised that even if we hadn't got together it wasn't healthy)

She was not happy about it, and she's since tried to take my place at a couple of family things but it's been shut down hard.

hopesforsummer · 16/03/2025 11:29

OctopusSexArm · 16/03/2025 11:25

Absolutely fucking not.

I may be biased, as my ex cheated on me with his ex though!

But this kind of relationship with the kids being bloody adults is a huge no.

When my now husband and I got together he had a bit of a weird co dependent relationship with his ex, they still shared a lot of stuff and I pointed if I moved in it stopped, because that's not healthy at all. (He actually realised that even if we hadn't got together it wasn't healthy)

She was not happy about it, and she's since tried to take my place at a couple of family things but it's been shut down hard.

But isn’t that just making it about you and her and not actually asking what the adult children want? Obviously a lot of children adult or otherwise are going to want their parents together at some events and not have to do everything separately

hopesforsummer · 16/03/2025 11:30

whistlesandbells · 16/03/2025 11:18

26 and 29. By now birthdays dinners should be only with their dad (and you, if that works). His mother’s funeral?! And his brothers and sisters allowed this?
No this would not (and does not) work for me. He basically has a second family. Or you’re the second family but it’s in the open.

Why should they if it’s their birthday? It’s not for the second spouse to dictate what the parents do with their adult child

GreyCarpet · 16/03/2025 11:34

Youd have thought I’d be used to it

No. I'd have thought you'd have put boundaries in place by now and ended the relationship if you weren't happy with it.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 16/03/2025 11:36

He spends Christmases, birthdays and father's days with his ex wife? Doesn't sound very soul-matey.

Fighting and not speaking for days sounds like an awful relationship. Does he not want to stop fighting and marry you?

Imbusytodaysorry · 16/03/2025 11:55

@Mimicat723 why did they split ? Who what’s to divorce ?
He has never head to change the dynamic as you put up with it. .It would be a deal breaker for me the birthday meal with the ex .
It should have been you and him and the boys .

This is so messed up . Please make some decisions .

TSMWEL · 16/03/2025 11:59

hopesforsummer · 16/03/2025 11:30

Why should they if it’s their birthday? It’s not for the second spouse to dictate what the parents do with their adult child

Show quote history

It was his birthday though, not theirs?

He celebrated his own birthday with his ex wife and his sons while his current wife wasn’t invited, is what I understood from the OP.

WellsAndThistles · 16/03/2025 12:02

If there was ever an event where DH had to be in the same room as wife #1, he would absolutely make sure I was with him.

There is something odd with this especially as kids are adults.

Imbusytodaysorry · 16/03/2025 12:03

stayathomer · 16/03/2025 09:40

The kids could have asked for this though? Yes you’re his and their family but no matter what so is she, they’re linked. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything about your family (him, you and adult children)

They are grown men not kids !
I would be saying to my children sorry no why would i spend my birthday with my ex and not my partner .
Now if this was a special occasion for the adult children then yes . A wedding , graduation then yes to both parents being there but also the partner.

This is just a mess.

Poonu · 16/03/2025 12:04

OP I believe you "drop" it after a few days because you know deep down he will not include you. You should cut your losses and find someone that values you raise your bar you deserve it.

okydokethen · 16/03/2025 12:04

If the children were young it would make more sense to me. I wouldn’t be happy that he wasn’t up front about it or that it even happened.

carrotsandtomatoes · 16/03/2025 12:06

Ketchupbroc · 16/03/2025 09:38

From what I’ve heard in the past , she absolutely rinsed him when they divorced , he gave everything to her

heard from him I imagine

and yet his action rather indicate that this isn’t the case

I disagree. His behaviour suggests he’ll do anything including giving her everything and doing diy because he has no boundaries and is a bit of a walk over

carrotsandtomatoes · 16/03/2025 12:07

why did they split up.
What’s he going to do when they are 39 and 42?

whistlesandbells · 16/03/2025 13:46

Yes it was his birthday (OP’s husband) not one of the adult children’s birthdays, as I read in the OP. Definitely adult children don’t need to dictate how a birthday is celebrated. In fact, nobody would expect any adult on here to be ok with another adult telling them how to celebrate a birthday.