To wonder why dsis is settling for this guy?

[ramboe]

My younger sister (ok she’s 30) has finally started dating someone after being single for over 5 years. She is pretty, very smart, mc upbringing, has a professional job. Dsis’ wants to have a family and a comfortable life.

The guy she is dating is not what anyone would expect. Not even dsis. He isn’t much of a looker, not particularly intelligent, ‘different’ upbringing, and doesn’t have a professional or well paying job.

AIBU to privately wonder why she is settling for him?

Would you feel better if he was good looking?

Maybe he makes her happy. Imagine that(!)

I can understand your doubts but what can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

'Different' upbringing ?
What do you mean by that?

What's your partner like?

YABU. I have a friend who was in a similar situation. She was at medical school, kept dating fellow medical students who on paper were a “prospect” and who she “should” be dating - they were well off, good looking, intelligent - and total dickheads. She met a man who was short, a bit overweight, hadn’t been to university and worked as a travelling salesman. Everyone was like “this guy…really?”

They’ve been together 12 years, married for seven, have a lovely daughter and a beautiful life together. He’s funny, charming and incredibly loving. We are thrilled they got together because he adds so much to our lives but we never expected that it would work. So maybe give you sister the benefit of the doubt given she is the one dating him!

Does he treat her well? Make her happy? Is he responsible and caring?

I can think of lots of positive partner qualities that aren't on your list...

...maybe he is kind/funny/emotionally intelligent/practical/family orientated...

And how dare he not be middle class like Dsis!

What's your partner like and assuming you're a model with a PhD working for Coutts?
You're so right, how grim to be in a relationship with someone she likes as a person, who is so non-U!!

The first bit isn’t actually far off…

Sounds like she could never live up to your standards so that chance does her partner have 🙄

I’ve always been a bit surprised when there’s a mismatch between members of a couple in looks etc - but I’d be really happy for your sister !! ❤️❤️❤️🙌

Maybe she is truly in love? They do say love is blind after all.

OTOH the dating scene is pretty from these days, especially for professional women who want to settle down. Perhaps she just couldn’t stand it anymore…

You haven’t told us what his good qualities are though? Your OP is very biassed and judgmental!

Why would you assume she's 'settling' just because he wouldn't be your choice? Presumably she likes him (and possibly has less shallow priorities in a partner than you do?).

Presumably she finds him attractive though, so you thinking he’s “not much of a looker” isn’t remotely relevant.

I think it’s slightly revealing you’ve not mentioned anything about his personality. Is that not important?

Is his kind to her? Do they get on? How many times have you met him? I might initially be surprised but would be pleased for my sister if she was happy.

You mention lots of material things (looks, class, salary, etc.) but nothing about his personality or values! Is he kind? Funny? Responsible? Does he love and respect your sister? Would he be a good father?

Good in bed?
He makes her laugh?
He's kind and considerate ?
She find useful men who can actually install a kitchen or service a car, attractive?
The clock is ticking?

And anyway do you know what a good plumber or slater earns? Without having to travel more than 5 miles from home. Is his own boss. Can choose his own hours. Can do nursery pickups.

Working for a big five consultancy is not the only way to be successful.

Based on the massive amount of twats that everyone is posting about on MN every day, if he treats her well, isn’t being brought home drunk by the police, isn’t interrogating her purchase of deodorant, beating her up or keeping her from her family you might be best of ‘settling’ for that yourself

Ah so you once did the 'catwalk' for your local River Island, have 3 A Levels and work on your local post office counter?

Presumably he either has positive qualities you're not aware of or she has indeed settled. If the latter, I expect it'll be the usual reasons people do so. Biological clock, feeling she can't do better, seeing her mates start pairing off. It's not that deep.

That being said, do consider that he may have positive attributes that aren't apparent to you. For example, if he's dynamite in bed, he's unlikely to wear that on a T-shirt or bring it up over Sunday lunch.

Maybe she finds people in your acceptable bracket boring and wants someone with a bit more about them?

The man I’ve been married to for 25 years is very much not what some people would match me with, in that he’s older than me, not conventionally attractive, because of his background and educational opportunities, people might assume (till they spend time with him) that he’s not particularly intelligent.

But he’s interesting, funny, non-judgemental, welcoming, straightforward, intelligent in a way that you don’t get from qualifications, talented, engaging, caring, multi-dimensional, sexy, kind, generous and I’m lucky enough that he loves me, he makes me feel safe, connected, he knows just how to respond when I’m not feeling great. My sister could probably have written a post like yours in the early days but she has the capacity to be a bit of a judgemental cow too.

Depending on what you mean by 'different' it's also possible that, like more than a few well heeled woman before her, she likes him being from a more working class background. Dcousin has had a number of liaisons with women who want a bit of rough (his words).