Husband very anti social

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My husband has never been very good at socializing, but he’s got a lot worse in the past year. He says he finds small talk really hard. My parents popped round earlier and he just disappeared up to our room. I said what were you doing? He said he was in our room. Doing what I have no idea! but he spent the whole time away from them.
My son does rugby and he doesn’t speak to any parents when he’s there. Not even a friendly hi. He makes no effort with any of the other parents at the school either so I usually end up at social events by myself. When I’ve spoken to him he’s said it’s not his thing and he’s just not bothered at all. I don’t have friends round as he just makes me feel awkward as he doesn’t talk to anyone. I don’t know what I’m asking really, maybe it’s just a rant. It feels like he’s just being rude rather than anything else now. So am I being unreasonable to expect some basic level of politeness??

Has he had his hearing checked?
I sometimes struggle with conversations because I can't always hear very well.

His hearing is perfect. It’s better than mine. He’s choosing not to interact with people.

Sounds a right boring old fart.

I suppose you need to ask yourself what’s in this relationship for you.

Some people are just like that.
He should at least talk to your parents.
When you say he doesn't speak do you mean he literally doesn't even say hello or do you mean he doesn't join in a conversation ?

He says hi but then went upstairs. The thing is, I know he struggles socially. I accept that. But I just thought so many people would say I was being unreasonable and I need to leave him be. But responses so far are agreeing with me.

My first real BF was like this, it’s bloody tiresome and was one of the main reasons I had enough. He is still mardy and unsociable.

Has he always been like this? Does he ever do anything he doesn't want to do?

I think as long as he says a polite "Hello" when people arrive and doesn't blank them - I would leave him be.
If he has always struggled socially forcing him to join in is a bit mean.

I would find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone like that

I’m like your husband. I don’t feel the need to socialise with school people, or the parents at my kids hobbies. Why? They’re not my friends, I’m there for my kids.
I would also leave my ex with his parents after saying hi. They aren’t there to see me.

My best friends husband is exactly the same. We've spent years of our life together, day trips, had kids all at the same time, meals together etc. I think I've heard him speak maybe 6 times? And he always goes in another room when we're there. It's just who he is 🤷‍♀️ we never even think about it anymore or question it. It bothers my friend, but she knows people can see its him, who he is, nothing more. I think in your case though, a small amount of socialising with your family should be expected.

I highly relate to your husband. And guess what…I’m autistic 😁 Not saying your husband is, but it on the realm of normal human behaviour not to like anyone in your space and to struggle with small talk autistic or not. If you dislike his traits then I have to wonder why you married him.

I find meaningless small talk so draining. I struggle socially. Everyone's personality is so different so we need to let people be.

Since there is no evidence whatsoever the OP’s DH is autistic, it’s at least as likely that he, like so many Mners, is socially lazy. Or, being charitable, that his social muscle is under-exercised.

You will get cries of ‘Introversion!’ here, but only from people who confuse it with misanthropy.

I have exactly the same experience op and I struggle with it too. DH puts little effort in with anyone really, socially wise.

I end up doing almost all my socialising alone, as he'll opt out. I don't really even invite my friends round to our house. He'll be OK with one or two couples, but hates bigger groups. I had a few friends and their family's over last Christmas (so 8 adults, 6 kids), and he didn't even come downstairs at all, not even to say he was busy and sorry he couldn't join us. I just felt really embarrassed. And hosting is hard alone!

I now do stuff alone, invite others when he's out, and put up with feeling lonely sometimes, none of which is great. I also worry what it models to our dc. However, I've decided its not worth leaving him over as there's lots of good stuff too. I had wondered about autism, but he's definitely got worse with age and since Covid. I didn't used to notice it so much as he socialised a fair amount for work, or we socialised with other couples one on one, but that's harder with kids around. You have my sympathy.

How do people like this manage to secure spouses

My husband is a bit like this but exerts himself as knows it is debilitating otherwise and always acknowledges he has a good time in hindsight. However he will linger over washing the dishes if he needs a timeout from visitors 😂 it's his natural way and he finds it very hard to converse with groups, he can't find a moment in the flow of conversation to say something so one on one is brilliant bit in groups tends to zone out a bit.

I did say to him you will have to go out of your comfort zone with activities for our son, an only child, as I can't be doing them all and bearing all the social responsibility, and he gets it though doesn't love the idea. Your husband needs to realise he csmt just opt out as if you both did that, you wouldn't have much of a larger family life, your child would have a smaller world.

@inmyonesieI highly suspect he is to be honest! Lots of other traits I’ve noticed through the years.

@Ihitthetargetim the same as you. I don’t want to leave him over it, I’m just not sure if I need to tackle it or just accept that it’s him?

@topcat2014he never used to be this bad, or he didn’t seem to be. But looking back maybe he was.

What do you two talk about when you are alone?
What are his interests in life?

What did you talk about when you first met and fell in love?
What made you fall for him? What made him fall for you?
Was he The Silent Type back then, too?

Your husband is unsociable not anti-social.

He will get worse OP. In my experience, such men become more insular as they age. They also cling to their partners. My dad was like that. It got to the point where he would sulk like a child if my mother left him alone to visit friends. I’d brace yourself for a pretty isolated old age. When he retires, he’ll expect you to be there for him 24/7.

@Dappy777that’s what I’m worried about