Husband very anti social

[billandtedsexcellentadventure]

My husband has never been very good at socializing, but he’s got a lot worse in the past year. He says he finds small talk really hard. My parents popped round earlier and he just disappeared up to our room. I said what were you doing? He said he was in our room. Doing what I have no idea! but he spent the whole time away from them.
My son does rugby and he doesn’t speak to any parents when he’s there. Not even a friendly hi. He makes no effort with any of the other parents at the school either so I usually end up at social events by myself. When I’ve spoken to him he’s said it’s not his thing and he’s just not bothered at all. I don’t have friends round as he just makes me feel awkward as he doesn’t talk to anyone. I don’t know what I’m asking really, maybe it’s just a rant. It feels like he’s just being rude rather than anything else now. So am I being unreasonable to expect some basic level of politeness??

@SkaneTosi don’t remember him being this quiet. He enjoyed going to the pub and out for food, like myself. But we don’t do that much anymore due to children.
we chat about anything. He doesn’t really have any hobbies and doesn’t do a lot. He’s otherwise a very good husband. But yesterday just really got to me.
I don’t know whether I should be saying he should make more of an effort or accepting this is who he is.

My DH is exactly the same! He’s very content not making any small talk at all while I babble in panic mode worrying everyone thinks he’s a weirdo. It doesn’t bother me as I learned to accept he just doesn’t feel the need and isn’t sociable and that’s ok. I needed therapy to reach that level though!

I am mystified as to how people like this manage to secure partners at all to be honest. If someone couldn't maintain a basic level of manners, chit chat, interest in other people - that's a crucial one that no one has mentioned- then I would find them tedious and boring. How someone is with me is only part of the story, at the beginning of relationships I have always been observing how they are with other people. I think in general, people don't pay enough attention to it. One of my sisters is married to a man who can be very rude and dismissive and she's like 'oh he's not like that with me!'. I'm afraid that wouldn't be nearly enough for me.

I'm not the most social person. Unless I have a special connection with someone, meaningless small talk bores me.
I'm not clingy with my family or controlling. I'm happy for others to do whatever they want to do. Just don't try to control me.
I don't think it's fair to make assumptions on someone just because they're not social. We are all complex and different from one another.

What happens if/when his family come round? Is he sociable with them and does he expect you to be sociable and welcoming to them too?

If he's autistic, skills can regress with age. It might be harder for him than it was before to act for so long. It's bloody exhausting.

Leave him be. Trying to force him to join in isn't like someone forcing you to join in. It could be extremely hard and exhausting for him.

@billandtedsexcellentadventure@Ihitthetargetand @Dappy777 I relate to everything you wrote.
My DH has steadily become less sociable in the time we’ve been together. It’s now got to the point when we’re walking our dogs he will try and speed us up if he sees people behind us, or will want to walk another way if he sees people oncoming, it’s almost pathological avoidance. But I also know he’s ND and struggles with feelings of judgement and anxiety. We’ve both had late diagnoses but my own autism has been so heavily masked throughout my life that I have coping strategies - although these are tiring.

@thepariscrimefileshe doesn’t see his parents much, when they do come over he hardly talks to them which leaves me to do the talking as he’s not interested in what they have to say. But I’ve had conversations with his mom whose said oh he’s always been a bit funny.

@Agixthis is what I’m struggling with. When we do chat to people he almost goes over the top and blurts out things which aren’t really anything to do with what we’re talking about.

@SchruteShunnedintersting to read that. Thank you for sharing. He is very similar. I don’t want to force him
but equally it’s bordering on being rude. My parents know what he’s like but he just walks off and doesn’t say bye or where he’s going etc. so they then keep asking me where he is and I don’t even know where he’s gone.
he spend a lot of time on his phone, mainly reading up about sports etc which is fine but he will do this when around people so he doesn’t feel awkward.

I'm like this. I was diagnosed with social anxiety and have had a ton of counselling but it hasn't helped. I've been like this for was long as I can remember and just think it's impossible to change now. It's had a huge impact on my life re friendships, relationships, work.

I'm not the most outgoing and sociable person myself, so I understand someone not wanting to go out and socialise with other parents from school or from sports clubs. I'm rather like that, but always did make the effort when really required to do so if my kids were involved in something.

However, I do draw the line at almost completely ignoring parents if they are visiting your house. We never did that. Always came and had a chat, went out for lunch if that was planned. Never just disappeared upstairs and then virtually ignored them.

I assume your parents are not just dropping in constantly or at times when he is working (in which case a quick hello and goodbye is more acceptable). I'd be having words with him on that. Strong words. I guess that he wouldn't be too happy if you did this to his family, so don't let him do it to yours.

I agree though that calling him antisocial is not strictly correct and could cause offence if you said it. Antisocial is stuff like threatening behaviour, farting in front of them.

He is unsociable though, and is taking it much too far.

@tiagraim sorry to hear that.

@Topseyt123as it happens, his parents are here now. I’m hiding upstairs to see his reaction. He’s already come up to see what I’m doing. So we shall see.

some of you are right sorry, he’s unsociable.
I think some situations are not worth fussing over, but when people are in your house, you can’t just ignore them. My parents do not visit often. I was trying to sort the baby out and he just left my parents who were trying to leave and go home but I’d gone to sort baby.

A 20 minute chat with your parents is a pleasantly he has to endure. I would speak to him about this, and tell him he must make that effort.

Chatting to random parents on the sideline of the pitch is no big deal. He should be left alone. Honestly, no one cares if he keeps himself to himself.