So fed up of DH doing naff all for DCs birthdays. Solidarity please

[Goodenoughisgoodenough]

So, today is my DDs 15th birthday. We have 5 girls coming for a sleepover. I work full time in an intense job, plus have just had to go away for a few days to care for elderly parents. Got back on Wednesday. Mad work catch up on Thurs and Friday. Skive off work Friday afternoon to buy treats, last minute gifts, presents on behalf of elderly DPs too,. Am now dashing to supermarket before DD gets up. House is a bombsite, needs cleaning. DH has told me he's going out for the day. Possibly a good thing later. The teenagers won't want us around later...but...but..but...I'm busy as a busy thing ALL day today making everything "nice". All he has done is sign a card....I don't mind shopping for gifts, making the party happen, but it is the "blindness" to the load which is making me so mad

Moving forward draw up a to do list. Split the list with him. Tell him to get on with it.

Then you will just need to accept he might not do it to your standard.

If I'm honest I was you, my kids are much younger than you. Their dad never helped at all until maybe on the day... maybe. He is now my ex for lots of reasons.

Your DH has got used to expecting you to do it all. If you want a change to take place after today I would sit down and have a conversation.

But why?? I mean, from when our dc were born if dh said he was going out for the day before their birthday or party I’d say no you are not if you want to see your child’s birthday. There’s no question he’s expected to pull his weight! When your dh said he was going out for the day you say I need you to vacuum, wrap all the presents, help clean the kitchen and get to the shops before you go anywhere, there is work to be done to prep for your child’s birthday. You really need a relationship reset here.

This has presumably been your life for many years??

It’s the same with my DC too and it fills me full of rage.

I’ve made to do lists with initials by each item for the last few years now as I was so fed up with this, but he still struggles to engage with this and act in a timely fashion. He starts his tasks at the last minute and can’t do them independently - has to ask me questions about them, and always leaves 1 or two tasks incomplete.

The lack of proactivity and care drives me insane. I have said all manner of things to him to try and make him change but nothing works! He really doesn’t care either if certain things are not done in time for our children’s parties, but for me that would really upset me and I can’t allow anything like that to happen for my children’s sake - I just want to do the best for them.

This issue aside… I’m guessing a pretty unhappy unhealthy marriage?

He's going out for the day? And leaving you to tidy, clean, cook, party prep? Wtf?

He is a selfish man.

my dh has taken over ds’s bdays. He organises and runs them on the day. I do dd’s.

Poor DH got home from a work trip on a red eye the day of ds's birthday and after a 45 mins nap was blowing balloons and hanging banners. No rest for the wicked. Have you always done it solo? In fairness to him if it's been your gig for 15 years you're going to need to issue an invitation for help.

Exactly, you made the bed, unmake it.

buy treats on behalf of elderly DPs
Am now dashing to supermarket
House is a bombsite, needs cleaning.

DH has told me he's going out for the day.
All he has done is sign a card....
"blindness" to the load is making me so mad

Buying gifts on behalf of his parents? You sound like you have taken over everything for this useless man, does he just live in the house, that you run ?

Of course he is blind to the load, you've taken the load for at least 15 years I'd guess.

You can't expect to baby a man for 15 years and have him anything other than a baby?

Only you can change this because it won't ever change unless you stop doing it all.

He doesn't need to because he knows you will do everything. Not sure why you've put up with this.

Have you always taken charge? Has it always been the case you manage everything? Hard to change habits. Maybe he thinks you are happy to arrange that sort of thing and genuinely has no idea how your feeling. You need to have a calm honest talk with him and tell him your exhausted. Some women are very good at giving off the impression they are in control of everything and he maybe doesnt realise.

Happy birthday to your lovely DD 🎂🎉🎁🎈

March 2010 was a magical time 🙌

You work full time in an intense job and do everything else for your children. What's your DH's contribution to the household? Is it just money? He sounds like a very disengaged father and husband. I hope your daughter appreciates you and realises that everything she is enjoying about her birthday (presents, sleepover, treats) is down to you and not her selfish father.

Did you hit the roof and explain why, OP? Or is this so normal that you didn't protest? It is concerning if your 15 year old DD has had the latter modelled to her as a pattern for relationships. Hope she has a happy birthday. 🎂

I do more of the birthday stuff because I like choosing presents and making cake for my DC, but there's no way I would be cleaning the house by myself before a birthday party! I can't believe either of you think it's ok for him to swan off for the day with no notice and leave you to sort everything out. I would have absolutely lost my shit if DP suggested such a thing. And he wouldn't dream of it.

So it’s your Dds birthday and your DH is out for the day? Is he seeing your DD at all? Does she know? I know she’ll want rid of him later but it’s a whole day. My DD was a bit upset as it was her birthday in half term and my DH went to work 😂.

Did he even ask you if it was ok to go out today? Like you might be having a family lunch or something. Golf, football or rugby? Which is more important than your DD?

@Goodenoughisgoodenough

As everyone else has already said, you need to TELL HIM to stop being such a useless, thoughtless prick & step up! If you've let him get away with the 'blindness' for all these years then he's going to keep sailing along, letting you take all the load.

Him: I'm going out for the day
You: Are you fuck! This is what you need to get done...

🤷‍♀️

No, he didn't ask. I asked what his plans were. He had back-to-back 'things to do' which involved leaving the house at 10am. This is the thing that hurts the most. I want him to ask 'is there anything I can do', 'Will you be ok if I go out?'...etc.
In some ways it's a balancing act for him - because a load of teen girls don't 'want' him around - but he is needed, a bit for prep! And to be there for birthday breakfast... And yes I can tell him he's needed - but also tired of having to spell it out...

I'm the main financial contributor. Earn three times what he does. (But I'm on a fairly middle-of-the-road salary). In lots of ways he's very engaged - ie spends time with our kids (we have a 19 yr old too - who is away travelling). He's very attentive, plays games with them when they were little etc. And was around for childcare, which was really valuable. He's also good at many household tasks. eg cooks and shops. But... but.. he doesn't value 'gifts/birthdays' anyway. Never asks what he can do to support me. Gets huffy if I ask for help

General update! So... I got back from supermarket with £100 of shopping to put away. Asked DH to put shopping away - which he did. He wanted to dash out (to his yoga class...oh, the irony...). We get DD up out of teenage lie-in. Do presents. She's happy. His original plan had been to go to Yoga class then a load of errands and social engagements and be out all day and evening. (social stuff which I have to forego, because I'm at home waiting on a load of teenage girls). I asked if he was still planning to be out for the day? his reply; 'what do you want me to do?' huffily.... as if I need to justify or give a break down of decorating cake/cleaning kitchen/hoovering etc. I told him "I'd just like you to come back after yoga because I really don't want to do this alone all day and evening, and would like support." He agreed...Thank you MN for making me see sense.

Do you have other dc?

yes, not 'unhappy' exactly... but definitely 'needs work'. We're going through a turbulent time. We also have a 19-yr-old who has just left home. The shift in dynamic is creating a lot of relationship stuff too. Highlighting unhealthy communication I guess. Not sure where we're going. But that's a bigger MN thread!

Yes an older teen - who has just left home. This is my DD's first birthday without her older sibling around.
On my older teen's birthday - my DH texted me at work, the day before "It's X's birthday tomorrow! I forgot! have you got anything..?"... And yes. I'd done the same - nipped out of work, spent an hour in John Lewis buying things. booked the restaurant table etc..

NRTFT but this can't have come as a surprise. I like DH not being involved and DC are well aware of what happens on Birthdays. It's a family joke at Christmas that he sees their gifts as they open them.
As a child I had crap Birthdays and Christmases so make no apology to anyone for going OTT and DH doesn't mind. I give DC the days I wished for. We can afford it and with combined finances DH is contributing far more than me in that sense.
What I don't do is buy for any members of his family, not even a card. I matched DH's effort with me and he soon learned. Last year he booked a surprise hotel break and bought a thoughtful gift. His DM got money in an envelope. He was firmly cooked when I met him and trained by his DM so I feel no guilt there
I taught DC (the youngest of whom is 18 now) and they're all brilliant with me, their siblings and partners.
What I wouldn't be ok with is the house being a mess and DH thinking that was my job.

But what stopped you from getting your dd to help clean up yesterday? I mean she’s 15 and it’s her friends coming over. So why couldn’t everyone help out last night?