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Original poster

To feel angry about my sons relationship? ?

42 replies

Feminion · 15/03/2025 00:24

I know it's late but I can't sleep and constantly thinking about this. My 19 year old son confessed to me he is hooking up with a 33 year old man. I was so shocked when I found out first, he was acting weird before and was leaving house often without telling me why.

I decided to go into his room one day and checked his laptop and found messages between him and some guy. He looked older, so I made my son tell me the truth. He met him on grindr and is seeing him for sex! He is mad I snooped on him, but now I can't stop thinking about it. My husband is more at ease with this but it's taking a toll on me. I am thinking of messaging this man and tell him off.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 15/03/2025 00:27

He's a grown man and it's none of your business. They're both consenting adults and you shouldn't be snooping through your son's stuff.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 15/03/2025 00:29

You snooped through your adult sons messages?

That is so completely out of line.

A lot of young people go through a phase of hooking up with older people. The older man is a bit gross for finding a 19 year old intellectually and emotionally compatible, but if they are literally just having sex then I guess that isn't an issue between them.

Be supportive, but also respect privacy and boundaries.

POTC · 15/03/2025 00:29

Really? Telling him off? Yeah right

TwattyMcFuckFace · 15/03/2025 00:34

He's in a very controlling relationship and needs to leave immediately.

Hopefully he can find somewhere else to live.

As for the bloke he's seeing, that's his business.

CountryMumof4 · 15/03/2025 01:04

You absolutely cannot snoop through an adult child's private messages! I fully support checking in on a child's every now and then to make sure there's no bullying etc., but your son is 19! He has made his choices and however things turn out he needs to feel he can trust and talk to you. This is a point in his life where he's finding his own way, and I get that it's hard to let go, but just be there for him and support him. You can't contact this other man to tell him off - that's just bizarre.

emanresu24 · 15/03/2025 01:11

Do you mean the guy isn't aware of your sons age?

Men in their 30s shouldn't be having sex with teenagers. I was victim to that and didn't see it at the time. I was vulnerable and taken advantage of. My parents weren't there for me when I needed them and the older man filled the gap. You shouldn't have been looking in his stuff, but you could talk to him about how he's doing.

ForPoliteHam · 15/03/2025 01:12

This has to be a wind up.

If not, FFS get a GRIP. He's an adult, hook-ups are a pretty common thing in gay culture and the age difference is too.

He's an adult, treat him with the respect he deserves and leave him and his laptop well bloody alone.

Original poster
Feminion · 15/03/2025 01:14

emanresu24 · 15/03/2025 01:11

Do you mean the guy isn't aware of your sons age?

Men in their 30s shouldn't be having sex with teenagers. I was victim to that and didn't see it at the time. I was vulnerable and taken advantage of. My parents weren't there for me when I needed them and the older man filled the gap. You shouldn't have been looking in his stuff, but you could talk to him about how he's doing.

He Is aware.

OP posts:
Anotherparkingthread · 15/03/2025 01:22

It's none of your business. He is an adult and it's not like he's inviting him round for dinner is it? You snooped on your adult sons laptop, you didn't like what you found. Surprise surprise. Now you keep your mouth shut and live with that, that is all you do.

Bleeky · 15/03/2025 01:25
  1. You crossed a boundary by snooping please stop. He will start being sneaky now & not trust you
  2. He is adult. You can express concerns in a conversation but you must listen to him and respect his decisions
BettyBardMacDonald · 15/03/2025 01:28

He's not really a "grown man" if he's a teen dependent on his parents.

atmywitsend1989 · 15/03/2025 01:30

ForPoliteHam · 15/03/2025 01:12

This has to be a wind up.

If not, FFS get a GRIP. He's an adult, hook-ups are a pretty common thing in gay culture and the age difference is too.

He's an adult, treat him with the respect he deserves and leave him and his laptop well bloody alone.

So does that make it alright because it's normal in gay culture? Would you have felt differently if the son were a daughter?

Nugg · 15/03/2025 01:31

My gay son did almost exactly the same and my trigger reaction was similar, but then I thought it’s nothing to do with me as long as he’s safe and as long as he’s enjoying life. Believe me, I did much worse!! That was also the thing that kept going round my head

Just let him live his life

lnks · 15/03/2025 01:33

If you carry on with this attitude and the snooping on your adult son’s laptop you can probably expect your relationship with him to completely breakdown.

Monty27 · 15/03/2025 01:38

@Feminion is your concern about the age difference or gender?
Also there's nothing worse than a snoop. Particularly when it's your own mother. Really?

BigHeadBertha · 15/03/2025 01:39

Of course, to us older folks, 19 seems somewhere around 12. But it's actually well past the legal age of consent. Nineteen-year-olds can join the military, get married, have children.

Messaging the other guy wouls just make you look unbalanced and create distance between you and your son. It likely won't last for long anyway. I suggest backing off from your son's private business that he didn't choose to share with you. Try to focus on your own interests and your own life now. Good luck.

TotallyForgettableForNow · 15/03/2025 05:16

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/03/2025 01:28

He's not really a "grown man" if he's a teen dependent on his parents.

He is a legally defined adult.
Are you suggesting people should only be considered an adult once they require absolutely nothing from their parents? If so some people would be adults at 16 and others would die still a 'child' even though they were 55 when they died!
OP doesn't have to like it but it's her sons decision to make. I was sleeping with a man in his 30's when I was 18/19, I would have been less than thrilled if my mother thought she had any say in my private life especially if she had been snooping to find out what I was doing.

Richiewoo · 15/03/2025 07:06

If you carry on like that. He'll leave home and move in with older man.

arcticpandas · 15/03/2025 07:09

I would be more worried about aids, stds and mpox. Since he's younger he might be pushed into having unprotected sex..

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 15/03/2025 07:17

There's a whole other thread with OP asking if she should sabotage her 20-odd year-old son's relationship with an older man...
Since when has riffling through one's adult offspring's stuff and trying to dictate their relationships become a thing?

Cynic17 · 15/03/2025 07:20

You have behaved incredibly badly, OP. If I were your son I would never forgive you. Please leave him alone.

StealthMama · 15/03/2025 07:32

Wow. This is awful. Your son is 19, what on earth were you thinking, breaking his privacy and involving yourself in his relationships.

If you want your relationship to continue well into his adult life, you need back the fuck up and let him have his space to explore his sexuality and his relationships.

Have you always been this controlling?

vodkaredbullgirl · 15/03/2025 07:38

Think your son needs to put a password on his laptop.

MaiAamWaliHun · 15/03/2025 07:53

It isnt ideal but it happens. My friend hooked up with a 40 year old man at 19 that he found on the internet. 20 years later they are still together.

FortyElephants · 15/03/2025 07:57

Why are you snooping on your adult son's computer??
Obviously that age gap isn't great but he's an adult and you can't control his life.