To feel angry about my sons relationship? ?

[Feminion]

I know it's late but I can't sleep and constantly thinking about this. My 19 year old son confessed to me he is hooking up with a 33 year old man. I was so shocked when I found out first, he was acting weird before and was leaving house often without telling me why.

I decided to go into his room one day and checked his laptop and found messages between him and some guy. He looked older, so I made my son tell me the truth. He met him on grindr and is seeing him for sex! He is mad I snooped on him, but now I can't stop thinking about it. My husband is more at ease with this but it's taking a toll on me. I am thinking of messaging this man and tell him off.

A 33 year old and a 19 year old, regardless of whether they are the same sex or opposite sex, I think your views OP are valid. Others may not share them, that makes no difference.

Doesn’t it depend on the situation? Some 19 year olds have years of sexual experience and are competent to choose an older partner. It’s very different from a 16 year old being seduced or manipulated by someone middle aged who is just taking advantage.

I don't have a single gay male friend who didn't have a relationship with a much older man in his late teens/early twenties. It's an incredibly common thing in gay male spaces and most of the time, it seems to work out fine. It's rarely serious or long lasting and both parties get something out of it. It's possible for the older party to be predatory; it's always possible for one partner in a relationship to be abusive or toxic, but most of the time that doesn't seem to be the case. My opinion on this is shaped by the men I know who have been the younger partner, and by other gay men writing about this experience, and almost without exception they say it was fine and helpful.

I do think this is a space where gender makes a difference; a young man can't get pregnant, he typically isn't looking for anything serious or long term but more an intro to adult gay life, and if anything he is probably physically stronger than the older partner.

I understand your concern that your son's behaviour changed, and you were worried. Why didn't you simply ask him if there was anything wrong?! Tell him, that if there is anything bothering him, he could come to you and discuss the issue? Why does your 19 year old, have to inform you where he's going when he leaves the house?!!!! He's a grown adult. By all means say 'I'm off out Mum, don't wait up', but there's no reason why you need to know his every movement! The only reason you know the truth is because you snooped, and read personal messages. The only reason your son confessed is because you gave him no choice! No wonder he's angry, you snooped in his room and violated his trust. Now, he's not going to come to you voluntary, if there's a problem, because he no longer trusts you or your motives! Instead, he will sneak around, avoiding you, and not telling you anything at all what is going on in his life! As for contacting this man, absolutely not. This is your son's business. However, you need to apologise for snooping, even if you felt it was for the right reason. Say you may not understand this 'relationship' but if he wants to discuss anything you are here for him and love him. Yes, the safe sex statement probably needs to be made too.

I suggest you familiarise yourself with computer misuse act. You can be imprisoned for up to two years for unauthorised access to personal devices even if no criminal activity was carried out.
Your son is an adult and is not obligated to inform you where he is going.
Sure, your concerns may be valid but in any healthy relationship one opens one's mouth and speaks, not acts unlawfully in someone's, supposedly, "best interest". You haven't covered yourself in glory here and, if I were your son, I would be reluctant to speak to you again unless I hear a sincere apology.

It’s ok to be worried about your kid.
It’s ok to not like a relationship/partner.

It’s definitely not ok to go snooping through their private stuff or even contemplate talking to this man . Telling him off? How does that even enter your brain?

Telling him off?! 😂😂😂 How to simultaneously destroy all trust between you and your ADULT son and look like a twat in one fell swoop!

You want to message the man? Really?

You shouldn't be going through your adult dons messages. And you certainly shouldn't message the man...

Of course you shouldn’t have snooped but come on you’re his mum even at 19 and of course you’re worried as I would be, it’s only on MN where people will tell you it’s none of your business.

There’s worried , and then there’s crap like this.

You should not have snooped - you have breached a trust. If you wanted him to move out and go non contact you’re going about it in the right way!

There's being worried and there's nosing into an adult man's messages.

I would be worried as well, and I would probably want to talk to my child and check they are okay and let them know I'm there to support them.

But you've blown that opportunity by invading his privacy. He'll never be able to trust you now. You'll just push him further into this man's arms. He may be a perfectly decent man FYI.

I'd be mortified if my mother had read my messages to a sexual partner

Given most kids live with their parents well into their 20s and 30s whilst they save to get themselves on the housing ladder - do we now have a new definition of adult? Multi-generational living is on it's way back.

I have a feeling most of the replies would be the same if the son was also 16..