To ask how to get help for being over emotional

[Ninahaen]

Growing up, my mum was very dramatic. She would get really angry and stressed and shout about really tiny inconveniences.

She would get hysterical when really there was no need.

i have tried my best to not be a shouter, but I think I’m naturally a fairly neurotic person. I’ve kept it under control at home (if I feel myself getting angry and I know I’m being irrational I walk out of the house so that I don’t start hysterically screaming at my family.)

however. The last few weeks I feel as though the mask is slipping at work. I’ve gotten into disagreements with colleagues who speak over me (basically told them to let me finish what I was saying and stop interrupting me) and I can feel tears coming to my eyes during heated meetings.

im devastated that I’m behaving like this. I come off most calls from work and have a cry before I can do anything else. I’m not sure where I can get help as I really don’t want to turn into my mum (admittedly she never worked, so she didn’t ever show her behaviour in a public setting)

I'm going to suggest that you are not neurotic!
Instead, you have grown up in an environment that has meant now in adulthood, you're struggling with being too reactive ( knee jerk emotional response).

So the question is, what is it that's making part of you absolute scream at you to do something.

Are you married with children? I have a feeling it's time for you to start prioritising things for yourself and find a way to established boundaries so that you don't feel so walked over in life and then end up reacting strongly.

Ever thought of counselling? Life changing for me tbh. I don't really go for CBT, rather unpicking what made you this way and how to make life a bit easier, more fulfilling and more satisfying.

This may be worse because of possible menopause.

Your co-worker is being an arse talking when you are speaking. It’s disrespectful and dismissive.

There’s a famous quote - “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes.”.

That said, I understand how you feel. I’ve been in counselling for a bit - here’s a book that may help. I’m getting it soon myself;

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1462520421/ref=ox_sc_saved_title_1?smid=A2O3C6YOGRP2MJ&psc=1

Op, maybe consider some assertiveness training or working on boundaries. It is not unreasonable to want to finish your sentence in a meeting or at work/ anywhere in general I would just try saying in a firm but neutral tone, ' Bryan, one moment, please let me finish my sentence'. You don't need to apologise or feel bad about that. If people keep cutting me off, the first time I tend to let it go but just show through facial expression that I am not that pleased, the second time I will ask to finish my sentence first. Adults should understand the etiquette.

It seems to me that your concern about being over emotional like you think your mum was is,stopping you showing up for yourself.

This may be worth a look https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

Is there an underlying problem first though? Do you get sleep, are you always under pressure (have to hurry to get to job on time for example), are there money/relationship worries? If you sat down and made a list of things stressing you out etc would it look a mile long? Maybe look at all of this first x

Exactly this!
I went through very similar myself due to upbringing, peri menopause, full time job and motherhood.
I had therapy which helped but not enough and had to go to GP for help.
I’m on medication now, a very low dose and it has changed my life. I just wish I’d gone to get help sooner.
OP, get help before your mental health suffers even more and you start getting in trouble at work, which will only make things harder for you. 💐

Could it be that you are feeling such strong emotions, because you are feeling powerless? You say you don't want to be angry or sad around others because of how you experienced your mom behaving. Could it be that you bottle up your emotions as a result, till you can't hold it in anymore?

There is nothing wrong, at all, with telling people not to talk over you.

You just have to learn to be assertive and not confrontational, to speak up calmly when someone is being rude or insensitive.

Check that you are not physically unwell, if you can get some blood work done as its best to rule out something physical before we start poking around in mental health.

But you also might find CBT, DBT or ACT therapy helpful in giving you tools to manage underlying anxieties and give you a better idea of what is going on with you.

Thanks so much evenyone for replying.

i actually have taken medication for mental health issues for the last 20 years, a mix of antidepressants and anti psychotics.

@FrozenFeathers i think that you may be right, at work, right now it is a feeling of being powerless. I’m working on a project where everyone seems to feel like they know better than me (I’m closest to the detail) and telling me that I should do this or that. The project manager keeps trying to talk for me (and getting things wrong in the process). Most projects I work on,
I am left alone to do my work, but on this one there is a project manager who is new to the role, and micro manages me. It sounds like I’m trying to blame other people for how I feel: but here’s the thing: I don’t. It’s myself I am annoyed at for getting emotional and not being able to calmly deal with issues

@Wishyouwerehere50 I’m married with one child. Get on really well with DH, and he does his share in the house. My son is lovely, but sometimes I can find motherhood (and well, life in general) overwhelming

I’m normally not as bad as this: but the last month I would say that it’s just got worse. It feels a bit like being a teenager again with the horrible hormonal feeling.

I am 44, so perimenopause is a possibility

I’ve got a couple of physical health issues which probably don’t help. Chronic migraines (its not just headaches, there is brain fog, aphasia, visual snow and nausea) and recently been diagnosed with diabetes.

I’m doing my best to get a healthy diet and also exercise daily to keep healthy.

No relationship worries: get on very well with DH: actually the opposite of my parents relationship: they were either lovey dovey or shouting at each other. DH and I aren’t overly affectionate, but we are kind and respectful to each other.

no money worries either. Not rich by any means, but have decent salary and no debt apart from mortgage

It feels like I literally cannot control myself from getting emotional.

At 44, I’d get your hormone levels checked to see if that’s a contributing factor.

otherwise, try some NLP therapy - it’ll really help your responses to things, and quite quickly too.

Good luck xx

OP I can very much relate to this OP. My mum lost her temper slammed doors and was up and down like a yo yo-she’d get so stressed with holidays and birthdays she’d lose it and throw a tantrum.

I realise now it was Part personality, part menopause part my dad and us children taking her for granted and not supporting her needs whilst she sorted everyone else. Typical mum stuff really!

however, I am the same. I often get stressed and throw tantrums over holidays. Birthdays. Im massively ashamed of it. I never do it at work, and I wonder if because your try so hard at home that’s naturally where it’s going to come out?

as an older woman I realise I have a very similar personality to my mum

i agree with the poster above- the most important thing is check what makes you vulnerable to the stress. Tiredness, hunger, change of routines are big ones for me

OP, I have loads of sympathy. It sounds like you're feeling very angry, powerless and defensive - given what you've told us about your mum, none of that is surprising. My mother was similar to yours and it still has a huge effect on me today. Perimenopause (if that's also going on) makes all of this way more intense

A couple of things I would recommend:

Psychodynamic psychotherapy - helps you to understand the impact that your mother's behavior (and your childhood more generally) is having on you now. The feelings you have aren't just going to go away, you need to understand where they're coming from and having professional support with that is absolutely invaluable. It's a long term thing,but I couldn't recommend it enough

There's a great app called Balance which you can use to track any perimenopause symptoms and other lifestyle stuff like sleep and activity. Helps to build up a picture of whether you might be perimenopausal. I started perimenopause at 44, and I've had great success with HRT

I cannot recommend this highly enough. https://able-futures.co.uk I’ve signposted several colleagues to it and received great feedback. I’ve used it myself and was very impressed.

Thanks so much: any idea where I can get NLP? Is it available on NHS?

Oh my goodness. This sounds exactly like my mum (and me, if I don’t try really hard)

every holiday my mum would throw a tantrum and tell us to all go without her. The thing is, she was a SAHM so at least didn’t have the added pressure and stress of working.

I gave up smoking a year ago; but the last few times I have felt out of control, I have wanted a cigarette. Instead I have put trainers on and ran ten minutes on the treadmill to calm down

every holiday my mum would throw a tantrum and tell us to all go without her. The thing is, she was a SAHM so at least didn’t have the added pressure and stress of working.
Only thing was she would have had the stress of not earning, she would have met less people in a day and got less actual ‘you must take a break’ breaks, and would have had to deal with people telling her she was ‘lucky’ (back working in the last few years and it’s really changed how I think of my mum’s life as a sahm)

Ah, thanks for the alternative viewpoint on that. It’s one of the frustrations I have with my mum is that she doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a working mother. But, I’ve never had to be a stay at home mum (well, I did during maternity leave, but I was earning full pay and it was basically a big long holiday to me, interspersed with baby classes and coffee dates )!

Yes for some reason I have always been on my best behaviour at work, and think that I let my emotions go where I’m comfortable.

It’s hard because if I lost it at work all the time I’d be in a bad career place 20 years in, and have less income to give my children nice lives, but then my children are obviously massively more important than work colleagues and I want to treat them better.

i do try and be kind / generous myself and mum-none of us are perfect and we do our best. We all have personality flaws and I’m probably further ahead than my mum was by recognising them and trying to manage them

This is going to sound like a load of woo but it isn't; Google vagus nerve reset breathing, and vagus nerve reset exercises. The vagus nerve switches off the flight or fight response, the exercises are generally used for anxiety but can also help with stress and emotional dysregulation. Its something you can do on the spot that other people won't notice. Practice when you feel calm and they become second nature;
Breath in through your nose for a count of 3.
Hold for a count of 3.
Breath out through your mouth for a count of 3.
Hold for a count of 3.

In my family this emotional volatility is a sign of mental health fragility that can slip into OCD or depression/anxiety and even mild psychosis. Low stress lifestyle and coping mechanisms are pivotal to containing the situation.

Hi; I must be very similar. I have had been diagnosed with anxiety, ocd and depression, and when I have been really bad, I have had mild psychosis (hearing voices, seeing things, very odd beliefs). I go through episodes of terrible mental health and then have literally years of being ok: but I have to work at being ok

It seems to me that the current project manager is the source of stress and frustration at work. He needs addressing and subsequently every time he tries to micromanage you. I also think you need to start expressing your views of tense situations while you are still relatively calm. Easier said than done, I know. I have a habit of addressing things too late, myself. I am getting better at it with frequent practice.

At home, I would drop the rope a little. Your attitude sounds like that of a perfectionist and your family (despite being lovely) have come to rely on you doing the thinking for them. I think you could greatly reduce the pressure at home by letting others take over, unless you don't trust them to manage things. But if that is the case, I think you have other problems.