Issue with DLA, shared care. AIBU?

[Heebeebee]

I have a ds14 who I share with my ex, who I divorced when ds was 4. We have 50/50 custody.

Exh claims the child benefit. He has been 'main carer' simply because he stayed in our marital home and I found alternate lodgings. He has never given me a penny of the child benefit.

He has a wife who is due to have their first child in June.

DS has extra needs. He has a skeletal condition, genetic and inherited from me, sadly. Since he has been in puberty, he's been growing fast and he has been in some pain and having some mobility issues.

I wrote a text to exh, asking him if he would consider allowing me to claim child benefit when his new dd is born, so that I can then claim DLA for DS. I advised I would of course give him half of everything, as ds is with us both the same amount.

This is when he tells me he's been claiming DLA for ds for years, and has been "putting it away" for him. Obviously I have no way of knowing that. He won't tell me how much he's getting for him.

Ds needs new shoes, I want to get him very good ones with excellent support as its very important with his condition. I asked exh for the money for these shoes out of ds's DLA money. Ex has given me £35, refuses to give any more, said I should pay the other half as hes my son too. I've not challenged it as it's pointless and like arguing with a wall.

AIBU to contact DLA office and tell them that exh is saving the money and refusing to share with me or actually spend it on ds? Wwyd?

Thanks for reading

The DLA money is your son’s- not your ex's to decide to stash away (that’s if he does)- just because he claims it on behalf of your son. If your son lives with both of you 50/50, the DLA should be split 50/50, so you can both help him access whatever he may need. My daughter has always had DLA and it is much needed to help towards her increased living costs because of her level of need.
I don’t know where you stand with contacting the DLA office about this- or what, if anything, they can do about the current situation. Especially given that your ex partner is the primary caregiver.

Thanks so much. Yeah, that's the issue, that only one parent can claim. That's all well and good when both parents are reasonable but when one isn't, it's hard

DLA isn’t to save, it’s to use for the child’s needs. They can get into trouble for this, if he won’t share it 50/50 as rightly so if you have 50/50 custody then yes tell DLA.

That's not true, they wont get in trouble if they save it. There is absolutely nothing that says they cant save it for their child and use it at a different time.

DLA office will not care about who receives the DLA either, its for OP and her ex to sort out.

I had a DC receiving DLA, me ex & I shared 50:50. I claimed child benefit & DLA & sent my ex half every month. Surely this is the only fair way to do it.

No they won't get into trouble but if Ds has significant savings this may well affect his entitlement to non means tested benefits he might be able to claim in his own right when he's an adult.

Unfortunately, he's not a fair person and never has been

That's correct, but that's not what the person I quoted said.

There's also no rule stating that the money must be saved in an account under the child's name to prevent it from affecting future benefits.

In most cases, DLA is paid into a parent's account, where it can remain.

I'm well aware of that i have been claiming it for over ten years for my son but at some point the Ops son will receive his savings.

Or not... If the OP's ex buys something directly instead of transferring the money, it will never affect any future benefits.

However, this isn't relevant to the OP.

Means tested, not non-means tested benefits would be affected?

@Heebeebee your ex is being really unfair.

He can't reasonably expect to keep the DLA and refuse to use it for items your son needs because of his disability. I think you should get legal advice as I'm pretty sure this also counts as financial controlling/abuse. He has the money, he shouldn't be demanding anything from you.

DLA is claimed by the main parent, which in the case of 50:50 split would be the one with child benefit (if you do more than half of the actual caring like appointments etc you can put in a rival claim and they will decide who should get it). I've heard some parents do things like alternating years or if there are two kids claiming one each.

The DLA should be used for any care needs. That doesn't necessarily mean 50:50. For example when I first claimed DLA I had 70% care but I didn't transfer any to my ex. This was because all the money was spent directly on his disability clubs and tutoring. For other children the money might be needed for things like incontinence products which would be cost for both homes, so the money would need shared.

Maybe it would be best to write a list of what you think the money would ideally be used for and negotiate from there?

You have to sign to say it will be used for his costs his refusal to pay fully for the shoes shows he isnt doing that and they might consider it a breach

Actually it has to be used to benefit the claimant and that could be anything from a gas bill to some kind of therapy
But they never check.

I have messaged him asking for the full cost of the shoes. If he refuses I will advise that the money is to be used for things to help DS, not to be stored. If he refuses then I will send a copy of this exchange along with the court order showing we have shared care to the DLA office.

Yea sorry.

Perhaps you should seek some legal advice and consider mediation (if it’s suitable), to see if you can draw up a financial agreement? The thought of showing his finances to a third party, might incentivise him to split the DLA.

Ring DLA, tell them you had a change of address and have lost all account details but need to change the address and bank pay details due to a change of circumstance
The change of circumstance being you bite the snake back

You can put in a rival claim for CB and if it is transferred to you then you can claim the DLA.

SInce your EX is claiming DLA he might be receiving significant payments on universal credit for a disabled child (up to about £450 a month) and being a carer (approx £200 a month)

So commit fraud. Yes that'll really help. Op you've got no chance with this. If ex is claiming child benefit then he can legitimately claim the dla and the benefits office will not be interested in the fact that he's saving it for Ds. Dla is to help with the extra costs involved and it's up to the receiving parent to decide how that help is used. He could use it all on household bills and that would be classed as legitimate spends as ds benefits from living in the household. As you are 50/50 then you are responsible for your son's living costs whilst he's with you. If he needs things such as certain shoes then just let your ex deal with it, and pay. To be perfectly honest you come across as a bit money grabbing. If your ex has been claiming child benefit for 10 years and been classed as the resident parent then why on earth should the fact that he's expecting another child change that status.

When my dc was awarded DLA a couple of years ago there was a very clear line in the letter stating that it must not be saved for the child’s future and is to be used now. It has also been on all update letters. DLA employee told me that if you save it you don’t need it now so would not be entitled to it.
That said, I don’t know how you would prove it’s the DLA money specifically he is saving. He could say he’s saving other money and using the DLA for every day household bills which would be totally fine.

Put in a rival CB claim so you can claim the dla as the main carer and use it for ds now. Ex is being unfair not using it when ds needs essentials.

I sympathise but the DLA office won't be interested in this. It's between you and him.

You can of course put in a rival claim for CB and go from there.

I find it very odd that he’s saving this money for your son, but he’s only giving you half the cost of an item he needs. If that money is really being saved for him he should give you the entire cost of the shoes. I think you should contest the CB and DLA payments.