Issue with DLA, shared care. AIBU?

[Heebeebee]

I have a ds14 who I share with my ex, who I divorced when ds was 4. We have 50/50 custody.

Exh claims the child benefit. He has been 'main carer' simply because he stayed in our marital home and I found alternate lodgings. He has never given me a penny of the child benefit.

He has a wife who is due to have their first child in June.

DS has extra needs. He has a skeletal condition, genetic and inherited from me, sadly. Since he has been in puberty, he's been growing fast and he has been in some pain and having some mobility issues.

I wrote a text to exh, asking him if he would consider allowing me to claim child benefit when his new dd is born, so that I can then claim DLA for DS. I advised I would of course give him half of everything, as ds is with us both the same amount.

This is when he tells me he's been claiming DLA for ds for years, and has been "putting it away" for him. Obviously I have no way of knowing that. He won't tell me how much he's getting for him.

Ds needs new shoes, I want to get him very good ones with excellent support as its very important with his condition. I asked exh for the money for these shoes out of ds's DLA money. Ex has given me £35, refuses to give any more, said I should pay the other half as hes my son too. I've not challenged it as it's pointless and like arguing with a wall.

AIBU to contact DLA office and tell them that exh is saving the money and refusing to share with me or actually spend it on ds? Wwyd?

Thanks for reading

Surely then, if DLA don’t care, is to go to court?

Would you be able to buy the shoes if you just paid your half? I’d do that in your position. It’s not like the father is denying his son shoes, he’s just saying that he will pay half towards the ones you want.

i realise that specialist shoes will be more expensive, but parents always have to provide shoes with or without DLA. Unless you really can’t afford to provide for your son, I think it would be awful to try and take his DLA when his main carer is trying to save it.

The responses here would be very different if it was the mother claiming DLA and the father asking to split it.

"I think it would be awful to try and take his DLA when his main carer is trying to save it."

He is not his main carer. They are 50/50.

Honestly, you will come across as petty. DLA isn’t there to cover the overall costs of having a child - which every child incurs. Shoes are one of these costs. I get that it’s pretty poor that one parent in a 50/50 set up is able to claim CB and DLA and there’s no compulsion for them to split that benefit with the other parent. Out of curiosity, how come your ex claimed the CB and not you?

That isn’t correct. There is no check on what it is used for. It could be paid into a savings account, used towards a house deposit, holiday, take aways every night, basically anything.

I have never seen this on an award letter! Can you tell me how they would know that the DLA is being used for savings as opposed to part of the claimant’s salary? Is the expectation that parents with a child who claims DLA shouldn’t be allowed to have savings?

Yes shoes are part of the overall costs of having a child but some children with disabilities get through shoes much quicker than typical children (my son wears AFOs (orthotics) and they make holes in his school shoes in less than a term). Others like the OP's son need more expensive shoes to improve their quality of life and comfort.

That won't work - DLA cases are in the name of a specific parent.

What other disability related costs does your son have, and who pays for these?

Who attends his appointments or other disability related groups/activities?

Contact DLA. Do you have a court order, any professional documents stating shared care? 50:50 for DLA has to be exactly 50:50. It doesn’t matter who claims the CB. What address does the DR or School have on their records ( this is classed as professional proof ) if it is your address then send a letter with your details on and a letter from either or both and have it switched to yourself.

When that child is born will your ex claim child benefit for it?
Do you get child benefit for any other children?

The reason I ask is this: me and my ex had a 50/50 set up and I had always claimed the child benefit as I worked part time and sorted the child care etc. When we split up he put in a ‘rival claim’ eventually he was awarded the child benefit for one of the children (we had 2) because you get a higher rate for the 1st child and therefore that saw it that financially the children would be better off if they both received the higher rate. In hindsight this was fair. So, when your ex’s child is born put in a rival claim (make it very clear that you know he already claims so that there’s no overpayment) you will be asked to fill out a form with dates the chairs stayed with you and it goes back for months so if you do have your child even 1st at night in a year that will swing in your favour. When you get the child benefit you can basically claim the DLA because they use the child benefit award to decide who should receive it. If you want to send him half then you can but I wouldn’t when he’s been claiming it all this time and not been upfront about it or shared with you. I think I was asked for receipts as well by child benefit award.

@Soontobe60did you actually read my reply? I very clearly said he could use the dla for bills and save his other money and you couldn’t prove it was specifically the dla saved. I answered your question in my original comment.