Not to Include Siblings in Birthday Party Invitations?

[NotWantingToBeRude]

Just sent out invitations for my soon-to-be 4 year-old’s birthday party at a soft play. One parent has replied asking whether it would be OK if, as well as her 4 year-old DD who received the invitation, she also brings her DS who is 6.

I hadn’t invited siblings as it would potentially double numbers and the cost is already £20 per child (not including party bag and cake which I haven’t even factores in yet). We barely know this family and I’ve never actually met the older DS. There are other families invited where we do know the siblings and I would feel, if I were to allow one to come, it would seem unfair not to invite them all.

I’d prefer not to do this. However I do realise that it’s not always easy to find childcare for a sibling for a couple of hours on a weekend and that not everybody has a partner and/or family available to look after them.

What do you think? AIBU not to include siblings? I’ve not known anyone else do this but I’m struggling to find the words to politely say no.

If she hasn't mentioned costs then why do you feel off about mentioning it? The first response is perfect.

The etiquette is to explain the issue, offer to pay for your child and then if the parent agrees and offers to pay it's all good.

You don't ask to bring your other kids knowing it will be a paid for activity and say nothing about costs. Don't feel bad to bring it up, she didn't !

This is the perfect response.

Start as you mean to go in. The party invite was for child A, not the whole family. It’s different if it’s in a hall with a bouncy castle, but not a paid-per-person situation.

The first post nails it.

I don't think it is unreasonable to say it in an FYI I need to bring a sibling but I'll cover the costs / don't expect anything kind of way. But it doesn't come across that way in her message.

I'd reply with something like the first PP.

I have taken DD3 alot to DS7 parties over the last 3 years BUT I have always checked and made it clear I will paid for her. As well as not expecting food/party bags etc. Parents we know well always offered her food and a small token party gift. She sometimes gets to take the space of anyone who doesn't turn up (e.g bowling). Parents we don't know well just say no problem and pretend she isn't there. I wouldn't if it was a private hire thing though unless I was really stuck for childcare and then I'd still bring my own food / entertainment for DD.

A lot of children have siblings, some more than one so it would double the cost and numbers if everyone were invited. Fine to tell them they will have to pay.

If you’re not sure whether she was asking for the sibling to be included as a guest, or just if she can bring them at the same time and pay for them as others have suggested she might mean, you could say something like:

’I’m afraid we’re at maximum numbers for the party with the invited kids filling all the paid for places but if you mean is the soft play open to all at that time then yes absolutely, you can book in advance and bring X to have a run around at the same time. Food for the party guests is included in the party package for the exact number of guests but we’re doing party bags ourselves so I’ll pop an extra one in for X so s/he has something too when you’re all leaving’.

Makes it clear you’re not paying for anything but a party bag would be a nice (and cheap) gesture so you feel like you’re being kind and not unwelcoming.

There are only two scenarios here:

1. She's a reasonable woman who will be entirely expecting to cover the costs and food for her uninvited child, and thought that went unsaid.
2. She's a cheeky mare and will benefit from the life lesson.

Just be breezy as if you assume that obviously she'd know, tell her no problem, this is the cost, pay here/on the day and that'll be that.

Just reply to say they can come but they’ll have to pay their entry/food as a member of the public. Someone asked for my 4 year olds party as they had 2 older siblings and were struggling for childcare….although she actually told me when asking that she would pay their entry and they wouldn’t actually be coming to the party. We were more than happy with that, we hardly saw them, the mum got them a meal each and they sat on a nearby table with the mum to eat and I cut 2 extra slices of cake so they got a piece of cake each at least like their sibling.

I am often in that situation (two kids, too young to be dropped off at a party) and I would send a similar message in an effort to be polite. (It’s surely better to message and ask, rather than just decline the invite immediately, or bring a surprise sibling along?)

When I send that message I’m genuinely asking what the host would prefer and wouldn’t be offended either way, and then if I do need to pre book the sibling’s entry or whatever then I can do.

For those who say the mum is a CF, what is the best way to navigate this situation (as the parent with two kids and no childcare)?

Not as rude as trying to get someone who not only isn't invited, but isn't even known to the birthday child, invited.

Send a message to the host saying you don’t have childcare for your other child and so will need to have them with you but will of course pay their entry and bring food for them, entertain them separately to the party etc. Then the host has the opportunity to invite and include them if they want to but doesn’t feel any pressure to. Then if they haven’t invited the sibling as an extra guest, do exactly that on the day and don’t allow your uninvited child to sit at the table, eat food, take a party bag etc. unless expressly invited to by the host. And not only because you have stood there with the other child looking eager, that’s just super awkward for everyone! Most people at big hall type parties will happily sweep up extras but if it’s a pay per head type party where you need to supervise the invited child and can’t keep a bit of distance with the other child, you might need to decline unfortunately. That’s my view anyway!

Absolutely this. In fact I used to get invites which would actually put this in too, just so people knew and could order their food for any other kids at the same time. I'd always e plain to my other child what the situation was and there was never any issue about not being at the food table etc as they'd eat with me

Great response from the first post.

I think you need to make it clear you are not paying for anyone extra and give the venue a list of names if they tick them off on entry. I have been to one party where someone turned up with two extra siblings, told the staff on entry they were there for the party, staff took the names of all children and added to the list (parent did not say anything about two of them not being part of the party and needing to pay for them) and the party host then had to pay for them all and not just the child they invited!

Yes, this.

As well as the cost I'd also be wary of her wanting to drop both kids off and run, leaving you to supervise while she has an afternoon off.

When you tell her it's fine for her to bring and pay for the 6yo, include also staying to supervise him.

An excellent solution. So long as they know they have to pay, everyone's happy.

This

This is the correct response. DDs class has a lot of siblings in it, both older siblings and younger ones. Every party invitation to a soft play or activity place comes with this style of disclaimer. Siblings welcome but will need to be booked in and paid for online/ at front desk. No-one has ever had a problem with it. Most of the siblings eat with their parent at the table or carry on with the activity/ soft play whilst the party children eat.

I've allowed siblings to take a piece of spare cake but not party bags. That seems to be the norm at our class parties. Party bags for invitees but if there is spare cake then it is put on a plate for siblings. I find there is always spare cake (usually buy 2 cakes so there is enough to go round all birthday children and usually quite a few spare bits - especially if the venue cut it up and do small party slices) and lets be honest supermarket cake that the birthday child has spat/ blown all over is usually grim anyway.

It would be mean to say no when the general public will be playing at the same time.

Accepting siblings could result in doubling your party budget and your child not knowing half the kids which is also not necessary.

Yes anytime I have had to bring a sibling I have made it clear from the outset I would be paying for them separately to avoid any awkwardness.

or you could say “yes of course. Just pay attention the desk if you want x to just enjoy the play area, or if you want x to join in with the party food and cake etc it’s £20 a head, and I can sort the entry and increase the party size, if you prefer. My bank details are xxxxx, but you’d need to confirm either way by [date] so I can arrange with the venue”

I'd just say siblings aren't invited if you don't want the siblings there. Perhaos say its pre-paid and the numbers are limited or some more diplomatic wording. I assume it will change the whole dynamic and there's no reason the other parent can't mind the other child (unless there is a genuine childcare issue, although I doubt it).

If its pay per child I would make it clear they’d have to pay for the sibling. A big party hall is different

OP I feel for you, I am so sick of this with modern day parties.

For my son’s 6th birthday at soft play, the invites clearly stated siblings would need to pay the entrance fee. I didn’t mind about food as there’s always way too much, but would have minded if it was a pay per head lunch.

I had no issue from the majority. Some didn’t bring the sibling (which is what we do), some did and happily paid. 1 kept sibling separate from party entirely, 1 joined in lunch.

I had one request from a Mum of 3 to drop off her invited child, which I was more than happy to accommodate, and actually wish more would consider.

Then I had the rudest Mum ever to deal with. She didn’t RSVP, then told me she was bringing her youngest, would she need to pay. I explained again that yes she would. She then made it clear on the day that she was very upset about this. I stuck to my guns, and when she continued to be rude explained that I had already paid £250 for my son and HIS chosen 11 friends from HIS class (as funnily enough, it is his party?!), and that no, I was not prepared to pay another £100 for the 5 uninvited siblings there on the day.

Start as you mean to go on, as there are some very cheeky people out there! 😂

You are definitely not being rude, they are being rude pressuring you to accommodate uninvited children. If everybody did this, and say each family had 3-4 children, this clearly becomes unaffordable and unmanageable. You are clearly a nicer person, and that’s why you feel bad, but you have done nothing wrong.

Also, I have actually found that some of the most entitled parents about siblings attending actually do not even host parties themselves, or certainly not ones where they pay £20 per head, and I bet they’d be the first to complain in your shoes.