My co-parent threatening to stop me seeing my 4 year old daughter after I said I was looking to change rear-facing car seat in my car to front facing.

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While I was discussing some issues of concern with my coparent via her friend, my coparent threatened to not allow me to see my daughter again a few days ago.
The reason?
Because I was looking at changing the rear-facing car seat to a front facing car seat for my daughter who is now 4 years old.
I have 20 years no claims on my car, my co-parent has made a few claims and had accidents in the past few years.
I appreciate they are a bit safer. But rear facing seats can cause sickness and vomiting plus it gets uncomfortable as the child gets older. I get that a baby should be in rear facing but government guidelines are:

https://www.rac.co.uk/drive/advice/road-safety/car-seat-laws/

I am upset and confused as my coparent does not take into account other more serious everyday issues:

1. My daughter gets foot injuries at her mum’s place sometimes: cuts etc due to glass and nails and other items on floors and in the garden. She blames my daughter for losing her shoes (true my daughter is guilty there) but theres plenty of shoes and slippers about. Her mum has lost one of her cats 3 weeks ago after it ate something lying around in the house. (It died due to internal strangulation or something) Now she has "only 4" cats and wants another one.
2. On car seats: I bought an expensive £200 Swedish safety rated rear facing seat at my co-patent’s insistence but she doesn't care much about the dirt, pc tablets, rubbish and crap in the car that’s far more dangerous in a crash at 70 MPH or if the car topples over: those items will smash on the kids heads. My coparent has already had a few car accidents and incidents in the past few years.
3. I had an allergy to cat fur myself, my daughter has asthma as does her mum. A few weeks ago when I was up there, my daughter had a very serious episode of coughing in the middle of the night lasting a couple of hours. Again letting the cats sleep on the bed does not help but my coparent doesn't think its an issue as she keeps giving us the impression she knows more than the medical professionals.
4. There are flees and fruit flies in most of the rooms even in the cold winter months because of food bits and plates and cutlery because the kids can eat in bedrooms etc and sometimes plates and cups stay there for days. This doesn't seem to bother my coparent much. And she has a cleaner paid for doing 10 hours a week cleaning.

There are other issues which are not needed to be said.

Maybe its me. Maybe I am in the wrong. My relationship with my coparent has gone south in the past year or two but that’s life. I have 2 grown up kids from a previous relationship and I am a good parent as far as anyone can see but yes I also have faults. I am not perfect and I have tried to listen and placate my coparent as I know she really loves her kids. (She has 2 older boys from a previous relationship too) I hope we can find a middle way forward for the sake of our daughter who has so much potential. We got on fine until about a year ago as we found a middle way even when we disagreed but there is someone stirring things up between us which does not help. It is not her friend that I know too a bit but someone my coparent is friends with as my coparent talks to me rudely and looks at me like I am a piece of rubbish sometimes. It is one of 3 people or a combination who are causing trouble.
My coparent will no doubt comment too as she will get the link to this.
Thanks for reading. Any advice or comments welcome but lets be fair too!

If you really know your child is living in those circumstances what are you going to do about it?

Use a parenting app and get the access formalised through court so that the other parent can't dictate terms.

If it’s truly as bad as you say why haven’t you reported to ss? Or applied for full custody?

The real world evidence (as opposed to
dummy tests) for RF car seats making a significant difference for older children is very slim. There is a bit of an online echo chamber about them which can get hysterical. This came up in another thread recently.

In any case your co-parent has no right to
ban you from seeing your child for using a legal car seat.

The car seat issue is entirely detached from the issue of her own house. It isn’t tit for tat.

It’s up to her friend to send her the link. There are two sides to every story.

The poor, poor child.

She can’t tell you you aren’t allowed to front face your child at 4 - if you want to replace the seat do it. If she withholds contact get a solicitor and go from there.

With the lack of communication, court ordered contact might be best anyway.

The other issues do sound like really problems for your child’s safety or health if it’s like that all the time - so I would think you should be referring that to SS or at least it’s another reason to go through the courts.

What is the outcome you actually want here? Your child with you full time? Or your ex to magically change personality, because she’s not going to.

You need to separate the issues but I'm struggling to see how these issues can be real if she has a cleaner for 10 hours a week? If these are genuine issues then why are you leaving your DC in that situation?

You mention 'when I was last up there' how often are you seeing your DC? Are you actually coparenting or visiting the child occasionally?

WRT the car seat, if it works for Mum why isn't it working in your car? If it can work I'd stick with it to avoid the conflict.

You need to get your access legally formalised and you need to address the fact your child is living in squalor. Speak to a solicitor that specialises in family law and get some real advice and a plan.

Btw When you say RF car seats cause sickness and vomiting is that specifically the case for your child? It just sounded as though you’re talking in general terms.

I get car sick myself and irrationally dislike the idea of a RF seat but would get one for a young child who isn’t specifically car sick themselves as it’s no problem for them and it’s safer

Formalise your child care situation before doing anything nuclear so that you have a safety net in terms of access.

Then report her to SS and discuss with your solicitor what would be required to obtain sole custody

I wouldn't tell her about things like changing car seats in future.

"Wise words"

My wise words are SS for neglect or you apply for full custody.

Why haven't you done either?

God I just feel sorry for this child. The pair of you sound intolerable tbh. Poor poor little girl.

It may help to remove the ‘context’ issues from the discussion as tbh they sound like ‘yeah, but’.
Have you tried being curious, letting the co-parent know you’ve heard their concerns (emotions) and understand how a transition can be difficult . Maybe rather than trying to challenge with facts suggest a trial period to explore outcome.
carrots are usually more effective than sticks

That's why it is important to have genuine context, which the OP will likely refuse to give. If this is a man that lives far away and sees the DC a few times a year, what he has mentioned here isn't going to drastically change the DCs living situation.

To be honest you need to be putting your child at the centre of your decisions. Rear facing is safer statistically, if she is rear facing with one parent and not the other is that going to cause an issue for your child getting into one of your cars (some 4 year olds can be a handful). I’d simply be doing the best for my child in the circumstances, if you have a seat that allows rear facing at her height and weight I’d carry on with that until it’s outgrown, then make a decision based on your child’s height, weight and the latest safety advice when you need to buy a new one. All the rest of the stuff is not related to the car seat and should be dealt with separately.

If you always have your best child’s interest at heart make the decision based on how she is going to feel/be in any scenario -and try to take how you feel out of it as it’s not really supposed to be about you and any mediation or court style action will reinforce it’s what is in the best interest for the child

Presumably she is the mother of your child? I’m not sure why to insist on referring to her as ‘your’ ‘co-parent’ to try and diminish her role.
Most of your post is tit for tat, what-aboutery. Presumably you’re grossly over exaggerating or you wouldn’t be allowing your child to live in a shithole?
The things you’re saying about rear facing car seats are proof that you aren’t the parent that has taken responsibility for researching the safest way of transporting your child. The mother clearly has. ‘A bit safer’- it’s actually 5 times safer. You acknowledge that they’re safer- why isn’t that enough for you? You say they cause sickness and vomiting, but don’t say that your daughter is suffering from either? And you say they’re uncomfortable as the child gets older- based on what? Many children comfortably travel rear facing well beyond 4. I suggest you do some actual research, watch some adac videos, look at the statistics.
Let me make a wild guess: you want to buy a car that makes a rear facing seat difficult?
You list a load of stuff to apparently try and prove that she isn’t safety conscious at home. For somebody with such strong feelings about all that, I’m confused as to why you’re trying to introduce something that is a reduction in safety? Are you parent of the year or aren’t you? Make your mind up.
And no, I’m not ‘your co-parent’/ mother of your child before you or anyone else suggests it.

Is this your first visit to 'this wise online forum' ?

You need to get your access to your DD sorted properly.

You need to sort out some kind of communication about relevant things only with your ex-partner(?).

If its not safe for your DD tp live there, broken glass, fleas etc then why have you left her there and not fought to have her live with you?

You're using unsafe conditions in your child's primary residence for point scoring against your ex, rather than out of genuine concern for your child.
For that reason you sound like a massive prick.

Its not her friends job to be a contact between you

Grow up and talk to your ex

Why haven't you reported to SS with your concerns?

She sounds awful and I doubt it's about the seat at all but more about trying to control you or find an excuse to stop you from seeing your daughter.

One of the reasons she doesn't want you to see your daughter is because your daughter is getting small injuries and allergies from her messy home and the child is getting older and more able to verbally communicate to you about the poor living conditions she has to endure.

@Chuchoter is the OP also 'awful' by the same vein, since he hasn't got court ordered access sorted and is making his child live with fleas? If the mother is so bad, the OP would be the resident parent.