My co-parent threatening to stop me seeing my 4 year old daughter after I said I was looking to change rear-facing car seat in my car to front facing.

[lovingthegiftcom]

While I was discussing some issues of concern with my coparent via her friend, my coparent threatened to not allow me to see my daughter again a few days ago.
The reason?
Because I was looking at changing the rear-facing car seat to a front facing car seat for my daughter who is now 4 years old.
I have 20 years no claims on my car, my co-parent has made a few claims and had accidents in the past few years.
I appreciate they are a bit safer. But rear facing seats can cause sickness and vomiting plus it gets uncomfortable as the child gets older. I get that a baby should be in rear facing but government guidelines are:

https://www.rac.co.uk/drive/advice/road-safety/car-seat-laws/

I am upset and confused as my coparent does not take into account other more serious everyday issues:

1. My daughter gets foot injuries at her mum’s place sometimes: cuts etc due to glass and nails and other items on floors and in the garden. She blames my daughter for losing her shoes (true my daughter is guilty there) but theres plenty of shoes and slippers about. Her mum has lost one of her cats 3 weeks ago after it ate something lying around in the house. (It died due to internal strangulation or something) Now she has "only 4" cats and wants another one.
2. On car seats: I bought an expensive £200 Swedish safety rated rear facing seat at my co-patent’s insistence but she doesn't care much about the dirt, pc tablets, rubbish and crap in the car that’s far more dangerous in a crash at 70 MPH or if the car topples over: those items will smash on the kids heads. My coparent has already had a few car accidents and incidents in the past few years.
3. I had an allergy to cat fur myself, my daughter has asthma as does her mum. A few weeks ago when I was up there, my daughter had a very serious episode of coughing in the middle of the night lasting a couple of hours. Again letting the cats sleep on the bed does not help but my coparent doesn't think its an issue as she keeps giving us the impression she knows more than the medical professionals.
4. There are flees and fruit flies in most of the rooms even in the cold winter months because of food bits and plates and cutlery because the kids can eat in bedrooms etc and sometimes plates and cups stay there for days. This doesn't seem to bother my coparent much. And she has a cleaner paid for doing 10 hours a week cleaning.

There are other issues which are not needed to be said.

Maybe its me. Maybe I am in the wrong. My relationship with my coparent has gone south in the past year or two but that’s life. I have 2 grown up kids from a previous relationship and I am a good parent as far as anyone can see but yes I also have faults. I am not perfect and I have tried to listen and placate my coparent as I know she really loves her kids. (She has 2 older boys from a previous relationship too) I hope we can find a middle way forward for the sake of our daughter who has so much potential. We got on fine until about a year ago as we found a middle way even when we disagreed but there is someone stirring things up between us which does not help. It is not her friend that I know too a bit but someone my coparent is friends with as my coparent talks to me rudely and looks at me like I am a piece of rubbish sometimes. It is one of 3 people or a combination who are causing trouble.
My coparent will no doubt comment too as she will get the link to this.
Thanks for reading. Any advice or comments welcome but lets be fair too!

What have cats and lost shoes got to do with the way the car seat faces?

The fact that you present your arguments as tit for tat would do my head in. Maybe your co parent doesn't want to let you see the kid because they're fed up of dealing with you? I mean, that's not right, but I see their point.

If you have issues about your kids safety at the other parents, for sure bring them up - but to the correct people who can actually do something, not as tit for tat on an online forum to bolster your own defense in an argument. Unless you've brought "walking on broken glass" up to child services, then you don't really care that much (or are exaggerating here).

As for car seats, I don't know enough. If rear facing is safer then it's safer. Looking on Google, it seems to have more to do with the height and weight of the child rather than the age anyway. If your kid is small, then perhaps rear facing would be better.

Rear facing is safer. That said - as long as you have your child in a legal seat there is nothing they can do.

Hi yes we are not communicating except via her friend & a group chat

No! It’s better as it stops arguments etc

There are so many issues here, flags of all sorts of colours - but red ones predominate. Why are there sharp things on the floor? Why are old foods, plates etc around the house?
I don’t think your young child should be there.
And follow the guidance on car seats per size of child - the cost of the seat is irrelevant

If the car seat you wish to use is legal and suitable for your child then it really isn't any issue for the co-parent what you do at yours.

I understand why you used the examples of what is happening at her co-parents to indicate that that parent doesn't seem to be that concerned about all those safety issues so it seems they are just been awkward for the sake of it especially when your seat is safe/legal.

I think the issues there are serious enough for you to do something about it such as apply for a residence order. If the child is living on a flea ridden house and in general squalor and having asthma attacks due to the cats I would even involve social services potentially.

Only discuss your daughter if you need to. What she does in your time is your responsibility, the same goes for your ex. Things like rear facing car seats do not need to be discussed.

what I would do though is speak to a family solicitor and sort out legal contact etc, so if your ex does start to refuse you access you’re halfway down the road already regarding legalities

Her situation sounds more neglectful than a forward facing car seat. Apart from the poor state of living conditions if your dc has an allergy to cats the cats have to go!

My point in mentioning other issues is one of balance & providing context to related issues, so let’s see what wise words this online forum gives us.

Utterly ridiculous - she has no right to stop you from seeing your daughter - or more correctly, stop your daughter from seeing you, as that's the legal position.

Do you have a court order? If so, it's a no-brainer - she has to follow it.

If you don't, sounds like you may need one. You need to think seriously what you're asking for though. Do you want her to live with you full time? As if you don't, raising all these issues about food, objects on the floor etc. is going to just make you sound petty and a trouble-maker, unless you really believe she is unsafe there and are serious that she should not be living there.

If she lives the way you have described it sounds like you would be the better resident parent .
Is that not an option ?
Id get the parenting app downloaded and also get your rights sorted legaly.
Your ex can’t dictate on your time how you parent .

“Coparent”??

Stop talking about other things, just keep it about the contact.

Download the parenting app so there's a paper trail.

See a solicitor to get advice from a legal/court ppint of view.

What you do in your time is up to you. Including regarding car seats providing its legal.

What she does in her time is up to her.

That being said, if you have concerns about injuries and neglectful living conditions, call social services and discuss that with them.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable re the car seat. Rear facing is for babies and toddlers, I can imagine it is uncomfortable and boring for a 4 year old, and cause travel sickness.

I also think that you have equal rights as a parent and that it is unreasonable for your coparent to dictate or micromanage how you care for your daughter when she is with you. So long as she is safe (and forward facing child seats are safe for 4 year olds) she should leave you alone.

What is unreasonable, is all the stuff about shoes and cats etc. Obviously this isn’t JUST about a car seat. This is a small part of ongoing animosity between you, and posting on a public forum to get ‘back up’ in your arguments and then send her the link is petty and childish at best and bullying at worst. In truth, you both come across as unreasonable as bad as each other!

You are both unreasonable.

Do not discuss your child seat with the child's other parent.

Mind your own business about the cats and other things.

The only things you need to discuss are contact arrangements, schooling, and child's actual not dreamt up/alleged illness.

Insane to me that you're here complaining about rear facing, but you're happily letting your child live in what you claim is squalor and unsafe. That is neglect.

If your child is living in a flea infested house you must involve social services.

Get the contact court ordered, and everything @Iknowaboutpopular said.

Is your contact arrangement formal or informal? If it’s not formal, you might want to consider that, as you can’t have “your not seeing your child” waved at you for the next 15 years.

Why “co parent” not “ex” ?

As for the other stuff, get your formal arrangement in place, then keep a note of all incidents. I wouldn’t want my child stating in a rubbish strewn, flea infested hovel.

Why are you allowing your child to live like this? You need a solicitor.

What you do in your own time is your decision. Just like what she does is her decision when your dd is at hers. I’d avoid mentioning things to the friend that you know are going to create a major fall out - even though you can be pretty sure your dd will mention it to her mum, just because of tte novelty. So you’ll still get a fall put to deal with iyswim

Re the car seat
Yes rear facing are better you know it. Imo it’s not just an issue with weight but also with height (and certainly not with age). It also depends on what sort of car seat you’re planning to replace it with…..

So my questions to you would be much more aroubd the type of car seat you want to use vs her weight/height, whether your dd actually has complained about the car seat being uncomfortable. And what sort of issues does the mum have regarding your choice of car seat. (Which I assume will have a lot to do with what you says to the friend).

Anything else is just a reflection of both the major communication issues you have and your own ressentment (eg to have been made to buy an ‘expensive’ car seat you didn’t want to buy)

And btw, if you have major issues with the living conditions your dd is living in, then you need to report it to SS.
You could also contact a lawyer and ensure you have your dd 50/50 if that’s not the case already. And check with them what steps you can take to protect your dd if you feel she is living in an unsafe environment.

Can't take an antihistamine to deal with internal decapitation, though, can you?