Feeling 2nd best

[2023novbaby]

AIBU? I've been with my partner for 7 years and we have a 16 month old together, we "were" (Not sure if I want to right now) thinking of also having a 2nd child. Since we've been together his rugby has always come first, he is at training 2 evenings a week and out at games all day pretty much every Saturday. He only plays at club level and isn't some amazing rugby star. Over the years I have always felt 2nd best to rugby and he will always put rugby before me and our family. For example the only way I could get us to have a weekend away was if we went somewhere that was near his rugby match so he could play rugby and then join me afterwards.

This weekend has really upset me, it is my birthday and we were supposed to be going on a family trip to the zoo, he told me he would miss the game and wanted to come with us however as soon as his name got read out on the sheet at rugby all of a sudden he's not coming anymore and he's playing rugby.

I feel so sad and like he loves his rugby more than me and his family.

What an asshole. He can have hobbies for sure but family should come first. Stop doing whatever it is you're doing for him. I would resent him massively over this.

Oh and to top it off, he's going away for his brothers birthday next weekend and hasn't complained about missing rugby once

How much longer can he reasonably expect to play? Is he nearing the age he would have to retire? I understand this obsession because my DH was like this only before I met him. He got a bad injury that ended his playing before I met him but I bet he'd have put rugby before me. I have a foster child who is exactly the same about cricket. He refuses to come on holiday because he won't miss a match so we have to go on a Sunday and come back on a Friday. If it's one day a week I could probably accept that but I know it's the constant training too.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation and when her husband couldn't play rugby anymore he swapped it for other hobbies because he's selfish and not a family man. They're still together (both retired now) but she brought the children up on her own and they have nothing in common. It might not be the rugby itself that's the issue but more his innate selfishness.

Comprommise? Rugby one day and your birthday the other?

He’s 28 and openly says he plans on continuing to play until he’s at least 40

He’s away on Sunday and plays rugby on Saturday (my actual birthday) he’s then away next weekend Friday- Sunday evening for a golf weekend with his brother for his brother’s birthday

Ugh that’s shit that he’s able to take time off his hobby for his brother but not for you. He’s really telling you where you are in his priorities.

Team sports are tricky as obviously they rely on members attending regularly to be able to play at all. No point having a bunch of part timers. But when you have young DCs you just can’t commit every weekend plus several weeknights without putting a massive strain on family life.

You need to consider that this is how he’ll always be. It won’t magically get better as your kids grow up and need taking to parties and clubs at the weekend - maybe for their own sports teams? Is he going to expect you to do all the running around alone? Is there a season/off season? I don’t know anything about rugby, but I guess if it was only for a few months of the year you could try and balance it out the rest of the year eg you get Saturdays to yourself during his downtime.

You also need to think about having a second child. It sounds like he’s a selfish prick, so if you split up I can’t imagine him bending over backwards to spend time with his child/children, so you will most likely end up still working around his sports schedule even if not together.

If you want more than one, your life will be infinitely easier if they have the same dad, but if you’re going to end up a single parent at some point, I’d think carefully about the implications of having another child with this man.

What about Saturday night then? Or tonight even? Or Sunday night

You will forever be on a hiding to nothing because his Tribal Man Sport has to come first.

You have to decide whether it's a deal breaker for you.

And of course if you did dump him, know that he would never have his children on a Tribal Man Sport Day.

You feel second best, because he’s treating you as Second best. Have you ever said “no” to him ? “No, you can’t play, you need to do X”, “no, you can’t go on the weekend away, Y needs sorting”

He’ll sulk (as he appears to be a man child), but don’t let that behaviour worry you.

How much time do you get to yourself ?

Go to the zoo at nighttime?

This sounds like my in-laws and their love of the church 4 times a day. Sod that. When do you get the chance for a wkend away with your mates etc

Your 'D'H is a selfish bastard. There's no nice way of putting it.

I could maybe say he might grow up a bit , as 28 is still young especially for a selfish bloke

oh, moan moan moan I'm outa here.

Honestly, I have but I feel I would rather not go and do things that have him there sulking and blaming me as that won't be enjoyable for anyone. I have had a really honest chat with him and said look this is the last time I am feeling 2nd best to rugby, if it happens again I'm done so I guess we'll see how much he really wants this family unit (and me) and if he makes a change.

No I don't get any "me time" I have our 16 month old during the day and working evenings then obviously it's just me and her on Saturdays too. I try to do things as a family on Sundays but normally its just going to see our family etc.

@DenholmElliot11 clutching at straws there - the guy is a selfish prick who doesn't want to spend time with his young family or his wife

@DenholmElliot11 good! Don't bang the door on yer way out

He probably knows you won't follow through so he's safe to just carry on like he has been

oh no, this is the last time and I will walk if it happens again

Why waste time, obviously it will happen again. I'd recommend going now.

I suppose you could.hold out hope that he'll sustain a career ending injury and be forced.to retire from his hobby career.

Because we have a 16 month old and I don’t want to break up the family for her sake at the end of the day it’s my feelings not hers and it’s not fair on her

Did he actually want to have a child?

Yes and he wants to have a 2nd

Why don’t you walk this time?

What are you waiting for him to miss? Another birthday? A medical crisis?