Feeling 2nd best

[2023novbaby]

AIBU? I've been with my partner for 7 years and we have a 16 month old together, we "were" (Not sure if I want to right now) thinking of also having a 2nd child. Since we've been together his rugby has always come first, he is at training 2 evenings a week and out at games all day pretty much every Saturday. He only plays at club level and isn't some amazing rugby star. Over the years I have always felt 2nd best to rugby and he will always put rugby before me and our family. For example the only way I could get us to have a weekend away was if we went somewhere that was near his rugby match so he could play rugby and then join me afterwards.

This weekend has really upset me, it is my birthday and we were supposed to be going on a family trip to the zoo, he told me he would miss the game and wanted to come with us however as soon as his name got read out on the sheet at rugby all of a sudden he's not coming anymore and he's playing rugby.

I feel so sad and like he loves his rugby more than me and his family.

Did you ever have the conversation about what parenthood would look like for him? How did he imagine it to be? Did he expect to make absolutely no changes to his life while you took on all the childcare and child rearing?

Stand your ground. A mate of mine had similar with football. By the time he "retired", their marraige was over.

Maybe he won't get picked that long. As he gets older younger players will come along and be better than him so he might lose his team place. I know it must be very frustrating.

I'm pretty sure he's causing the break of the family, not you. You child is also so young that they won't remember any of this. Please don't spend a whole lifetime with a man who doesn't consider you being anywhere near as important as himself. It's ingrained in him, he's not suddenly going to see the light.

Do you want your child growing up seeing that a relationship involves the man doing whatever he wants and the woman being frustrated and angry but picking up all the pieces and doing all the family life aspects?

Will she be happy having Daddy dump her at any opportunity so he can play rugby with his mates? School plays, birthdays, parents evening, sports day?

Sorry to be blunt but it's not that rugby comes first above all else, it's that he prioritises everything else above you and your child.
That is horrible.
I really would think long and hard about the future. Sit your DP down and really talk to him. Tell him that what he is doing is wrong and damaging. I'm not saying that you should tell him that he can never play any regular sport. But that if he wants to be a family he has to be prepared to put both you and his child first sometimes. Otherwise your child will grow up knowing that Daddy doesn't put them first. Is that what you want?

Say straight out 'No way are we having a second child when you won't even take time away from rugby to spend with me and our existing child'

The sad truth Op is his idea of a good time isn't going out with you and your DC, he likes sport and drinking with the lads. He wants another DC but he sees them as your job. If you split no doubt he'll say you're taking his child away from him, even though he doesn't really make an effort now

Imo he wants you too tied up with a toddler /pregnant /another dc to moan about rugby....
My dh took part on a particular sport... Backed a ways slowly as our life got busier.... He is happy he chose being a bloody good df over being a half arsed one..
Ask him how he sees his relationship with the dc panning out...
And point out to ttc he has to be around.. Unless he intends to have sperm shipped via jiffy bag and Amazon from the team showers...

What? How does he justify giving up Saturday's rugby for his brother's birthday but not for yours? Why can't you say to him that he should do both birthdays or neither of them? Tell him that if he prioritises rugby over you but not over his brother then he'll find his bags packed outside the front door when he gets back. Don't tolerate such selfish, unkind behaviour! He's treating you like a doormat but you don't have to be one.

Have you drawn a line and told him that he needs to prioritise you and DC? Tell him in a straightforward way that the present situation cannot continue. Have a discussion about it at an appropriate time - not when he's going out of the door to rugby. And you also need time for yourself. Does he ever do 1 on 1 childcare? You need to be less of a pushover.

Or even that you will definitely be having a second child but unless he starts putting your family first, you'll be having that second child with somebody else.

Gosh this sounds harsh and I'm so sorry, but, he's treating you like second best because you're accepting being treated like second best. This is your birthday. Does he see you as his 'one' or are you the placeholder until he meets his wife?

My sporty husband skipped all hockey matches in the run up to wedding so he didn't have a hockey injury for the wedding day. When the kids came along he dropped hockey entirely as he didn't want to miss out on family time. You boyfriend doesn't value you or his child with you. Leave him now and maybe he'll realise he does actually love you. Right now he's taking you for granted.