DH says I’m censoring him when he talks about disturbing things in front of our teen (13)

[SpottyDottyD]

Example-I was watching the new Netflix series Adolescence and the subject came up about child killers (killers who are children) our son knew about the James Bulger case having read about it online. He began to describe what had been done to the child and DH corrected him saying no they actually did this (extremely graphic description) I told him I’m not comfortable talking about that as I find it very upsetting especially going into disturbing detail in front of DS. I’m not happy with him knowing all the gory details anyway. DH said I was censoring him, that this is the real world and I can’t hide from it. I told him I’m not hiding from it, I’m just not comfortable discussing disturbing details about a child’s murder with our son. Again I was censoring him and I won’t let him speak etc. I’ve had this issue before where I’ve been uncomfortable with certain topics that DH mentions in front of DS but again deeply disturbing stuff that I don’t believe is age appropriate (going back a few years)

Hes got a chip on his shoulder about me controlling him and censoring him. Yes bad things happen and DS should have an awareness of news events but in an age appropriate way.

AIBU?

I started reading the newspapers before I was ten. No censorship of any kind in my home. I have a very strong moral compass because of it. It also left me sharp and alert to the dangers of this world.

In the end though, it's your child and you do you but you don't get to control what the other parent thinks is appropriate too. It sounds almost like you see your husband as another child to command and dominate. One who must abide by your doctrine.

I would be like you and don't like to dwell on unpleasant details. However your son is 13 and this seems to be an age of morbid fascination for kids. Maybe when you and dh are alone say your reasons. I often think men are different and feel that kids can accept morbid details. Women try to keep kids younger for as long as possible

I voted YABU on the basis you shut down your son from discussing it, and also that you won’t tell us the thing you want us to judge, which means we have to go on your own judgment of it, which rather defeats the point.

There are, sadly, lots of horrors in the world and 13 is not too young to face that in my view. Also important for practical reasons that your son feels he can discuss anything with you. That’s one way you can try to keep him safe.

The framing makes a huge difference. If your DH was saying “It was so cool, they did x y z” then that’s terrible. But not simply for being willing to engage factually with horrible things that you don’t want to.

Just to throw into the mix...
I was fascinated by crime from a young age - I didnt turn out to be a murderer. I went on to have a great career in policing.

Maybe this is the time to get him into psychology (age appropriate) and start shaping his interests outside of the curriculum.
Maybe instead of the sinister aspects this is him developing interest and empathy but in a curious way. If so, facts are essential.

It is very hard to censor what your teens see and talk about. When the Dahrmer thing came out on Netflix, many of DS's friends watched it. He wasn't allowed to, obviously (only have Netflix access on family TV). But they were all talking about it and he'd come home talking about it. It gave us the opportunity of some good discussions, including why people wanted to even watch it or talk about these things.

Complete overreaction

Your son will be hearing and seeing far worse at school. I was into gore at that age and I haven’t turned into a psychopathic murderer yet

He thinks that he and his wishes and views are so important that no one else’s needs or opinions should have any impact whatsoever It doesn’t matter that what he says is upsetting or potentially damaging to others - he is god and matters most.

This

Seems there’s a larger issue here about appropriate behaviour in front of children. And long term exposure to violence and gore himself.

Well yes you are censoring him and with good reason! Some things are not suitable to be discussed with or around children and the brutal details of a child's murder would definitely fall under that category in my opinion. This is the reason we have age categories on games and films and we have the 'watershed' of 9pm for certain programmes on television. You're not in the wrong for wanting to protect your child. It doesn't sound like your husband is willing to listen to anyone's opinion other than his own though - I would find that a major problem.

You could say that equally about the OP. Who’s to say her views and wishes take priority. Who is to say her version of events is accurate. The DH might have and a different take. Being an over protective parent can also be very damaging.

OP if he has unrestricted internet access and a father who is into gore and violence he could be doing god know what and watching some awful stuff.

you need to have a look. And probably have more open conversations with him as pretending these things don’t exist isn’t working and his interest is piqued

You started the conversation by what you were watching, your son then joined in and your husband added some additional information. That tends to be how discussions work.

was your husband gleeful when he added the information or was it just said in a factual way? How it was said could make a huge difference.

Sure being over protective is bad too. It’s our job as parents to prepare our kids to be safe and thrive in the world we live in, not a fantasy.

But most parents see that eg. there’s quite some space between allowing children unrestricted access to view violence or porn or whatever or discussing the goriest details of child abuse or violence and the alternative of taking action to block the age inappropriate and introduce topics in a responsible way.

YANBU. I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband and also look carefully at what your son is accessing online. He's old enough to be curious about things and obviously can't be protected from everything, but there are age appropriate ways of accessing information and I can't think of any reason why a thirteen year old would need to know graphic details about such a horrific crime.

Don't shut him down if he wants to talk about something because it might be important to hear. I would suggest you might want to seek further advice because your husband is being very inappropriate and it sounds like this started a long time ago, and your son might need to speak to a counsellor about some of what he's been exposed to to help him make sense of it.

Very concerning behaviour on your husband's part. You need to take action here to protect your child.

He needs to be showing empathy when talking about violent acts - your son is at a crucial age when he needs good role models

I was a teenager when that case happened and remember seeing it on TV and reading it in the newspapers. Should my parents have hidden the newspaper, switched off the TV and radio for weeks on end? No. We sat round the TV or dinner table and talked about it. The TV news and papers aren't censored and anyone can buy them. You need to have conversations with your child not shut them down. Maybe your husband isn't handling that part well but it's better than pretending it didn't happen.

Is your husband the sort of person who thinks that his right to ‘free speech’ trumps everything and everyone else?

Seems to me that whether or not it’s okay for your 13 year old to ask / know about the details of the Bulger case is a bit of a red herring. Morbid curiosity is natural, unfortunately.

The issue to my mind is that your husband, being fully possessed of all the horrific details, wanted to relate these graphic details as a point of conversation.

Agree it’s inappropriate to talk about it with a child, but to be honest I’d be almost equally as shocked if he was speaking to his mates down the pub.

Does your husband lack empathy? Or does he get some sort of gratification from sadistic violence and suffering?

I agree.

@SpottyDottyD you're not censoring the giant man-baby you call a husband - you are parenting your child.

He is 13 and is brain is not fully developed. His ability to rationalise gory details the way an adult can isn't there yet. This stuff will cause bad dreams and anxiousness.

Your DH is an idiot and shitty to you both. His want to speak his mind, no matter what, does not top the needs of your emotionally immature child who is trying to grow and develop in a world where these horrid things exist without coming out the other end traumatised.

Your DH is a dick.

I was too. And my parents also talked about the case with us children around the table.

I knew that James was abducted, tortured and then murdered. They didn’t tell me the awful details of exactly what was done to that poor little boy, because I didn’t need to know. What we knew was what was shared in the papers and evening news. That was enough, the details were not necessary to know. And I actually still don’t know, and I still don't need to.

If you look at the top of the Wikipedia page for James, it says that he was bludgeoned, mutilated, tortured and dismembered. A range of weapons were used including a fishplate.

Do you really want to know exactly how he was mutilated? How the fishplate was used to torture or dismember him?

I can’t imagine why anybody other than the jury would need to know these disturbing details. And still less why they would want to discuss them as point of fact with their teenage son.

This isn’t about ‘pretending it didn't happen’.

It’s about what is suitable for normal conversation, and in my opinion the details of what was done to James is way over the line.

I had parents like this, it was very traumatising. They would tell me about child abuse cases, watch horror movies with me, played violent video games in front of us. It was absolutely awful and it's affected my siblings too.

I never exposed my children to these things.

Just out of curiosity, how is this different from other nasty things children are told without a second thought, such as fairy tales, or Bible stories? I remember my brother crying (aged 8) on hearing the story of Abraham and Isaac. Not because God ordered Abraham to kill his own son, but "what about the poor ram?", which God then told Abraham to kill instead. I recently heard a 6-year-old girl cry on hearing about how Jesus was betrayed by his friends. There's also the book Struwwelpeter: originally published in the 19th century, of stories of quite horrible things happening to children (Little Suck-a-Thumb, anybody?), which was at the time, entertainment for children.

Is it is because stories such as James Bulger are more recent, more "real", closer to home, or that the killers were children themselves?

If your son has unrestricted internet access then unfortunately there’s not much point in censoring the details as he has undoubtedly seen much worse online. It sounds like he initiated the conversation and your husband was just correcting him. I think the bigger issue is what he’s accessing online rather than your husband providing information that’s widely known about a high profile case.

I started reading newspapers at 9 and watching the news with my parents from a very young age, I don’t think at 13 it’s going to do him any harm to know information that was widely available to the public anyway, even if it is very disturbing.