DH says I’m censoring him when he talks about disturbing things in front of our teen (13)

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Example-I was watching the new Netflix series Adolescence and the subject came up about child killers (killers who are children) our son knew about the James Bulger case having read about it online. He began to describe what had been done to the child and DH corrected him saying no they actually did this (extremely graphic description) I told him I’m not comfortable talking about that as I find it very upsetting especially going into disturbing detail in front of DS. I’m not happy with him knowing all the gory details anyway. DH said I was censoring him, that this is the real world and I can’t hide from it. I told him I’m not hiding from it, I’m just not comfortable discussing disturbing details about a child’s murder with our son. Again I was censoring him and I won’t let him speak etc. I’ve had this issue before where I’ve been uncomfortable with certain topics that DH mentions in front of DS but again deeply disturbing stuff that I don’t believe is age appropriate (going back a few years)

Hes got a chip on his shoulder about me controlling him and censoring him. Yes bad things happen and DS should have an awareness of news events but in an age appropriate way.

AIBU?

Ewwwww he sounds a bit gross and unpleasant. You’re censoring him by requesting age appropriate topics?? Does he take him to R rated movies because he won’t let the entertainment industry censor his child?

does he ever respect your opinion?

Your husband is creepy in front of your kid and needs to be shut down.

Graphic descriptions of violence and murder have negative effects on young teens. You're trying to teach him things like empathy and your husband is desensitizing him to harmful violence.

I don't like the sound of this at all. Why does he need to say those things so badly? Especially when he knows how it makes you feel.

There's other behaviour with him, right?

I had this issue early on where DH would play extremely violent video games (not just shoot em ups but disturbing stuff with scenes of gory torture and blood etc) I had a fight on my hands to get him to turn it off and not let our son who was 3 see it.

I really didn’t like how DS seemed to know all the graphic details of the case either (he had read about it online) but it’s difficult to control what DS reads about but the issue is DH seeing no problem with graphically describing in detail how the poor boy was tortured especially when I tell him to stop.

I don’t really think there’s a need for a 13 year old to know the detailed horrors of that particular case, no. Not sure why anyone would want to know to be honest, I certainly don’t.

Why does your DH want him to know - was it that he wanted to be right or show off his superior knowledge and didn’t like that your son was incorrect? To shock him? Some weird attempt to make him grow up or be tougher?

You need to discuss the issue at a time when it isn't happening.

Was your DH raised this way, were his parents the same?

What he's doing is not ok for you let alone your DS. You're allowed to ask him to stop, he should respect that.

I’m not sure. The difference was that the minute DS mentioned “oh I read they did this” I shut him down and tried to change the subject. DH said “ No, they actually did(extremely graphic awful act)” It’s one thing DS having a knowledge of world wars/historical events, he’s extremely knowledgeable and a history buff but another talking about the torture of a toddler. DH sees no issue and says I’m wrapping DS in cotton wool etc.

To be honest, I think both your DH and your DS sound weird given BOTH their interest in such a gruesome story. It seems the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.

I said yabu. Your son is 13, not an adult but obviously not a young child. Im not sure, and it depends on your son , but am not sure we do any good by hiding truth from teenagers. Life isn't all good and wonderful. Thats a fact, does not need to be scary, but I'd think its better to know this than not.

And from your posts, your son knew all details anyway so in that case, definitely better to talk about it than not.

Had issues with DH in other ways - inappropriate things he says to DS almost like he forgets he’s talking to his son and not one of his mates.

Id have an issue re ur ds wanted to talk about an unpleasant subject and your reaction was to shut him up essentially. I think you are generally better talking about stuff, however uncomfortable that makes you feel

Yeah that’s what he said, that I’m trying to hide the truth from DS but I do think there’s an age appropriate way of discussing events. I’m concerned about what DS is reading about online now.

I’d have no issue discussing the case itself with him or other similar cases, it was when he mentioned one of the graphic disturbing things they did (I won’t say what as it’s too awful) that I had to shut him down as I don’t believe he should be speaking about such things.

DS should have an awareness of news events but in an age appropriate way.

But he has access to all the information he wants online. Do you control his internet use?

Honestly? He's 13 nit 3, and he's obviously interested having done research himself online, If he's read a lot of graphic detail that's incorrect online, it's better to correct that than just shut down the conversation imo. I was buying, reading and collecting all the "Murder Casebooks" at that age (a magazine series about serial killers), so I think it's an age when these things can become interesting.

If he's didn't want to know and hasn't brought it up that would be a different story.

Plus he's going to look it up online anyway. Or read about it in books. Better subjects (however difficult) are broached and discussed at home where information can be corrected and ethical issues raised where appropriate rather than have a "we don't discuss that issue/topic" attitude.

Plus also why do you get to decide what is discussed. Your DH is a parent too. You aren't the boss of everyone!

I think If has unrestricted access to the internet, surely it makes no difference what your DH says to him? He can just Google it.

Why does your child know all of that stuff?! Don’t you have a handle on what he’s accessing online?! I suggest you sit your DH down and watch the channel 4 documentary “swiped”. Your DH is deluded if he thinks this isn’t having an impact on your child’s mental health.

There's a big trend for true crime content on tiktok so he may have watched videos there.

I think your dh is—and always has—been abusing your child by exposing him to graphic images and discussions of violence and torture. Some people get off on that. Its just a different form of inappropriate quasi sexual abuse of a minor child. He has a creepy need to induct your child against your will into an obsessive interest in torture porn. The link between obsessive interest in violent scenes and stories of child abuse snd murder and real wirld violence is well known—the man who killed and raped thie mother and daughters in the recent case watched Andrew Tate obsessively befirehand. Rape, violence towards children and women, are all encoded in your dh’s parenting approach to your son i would leave over this although I think the harm has already been done to your innocent child.

It's not censorship. Some stuff is inappropriate or gross and you don't say or do it around others. It's respect for those around you to not talk about things they might find distressing. For me there's even an element of respect for the little boy and his family not to talk about it breezily.

That case is particularly disturbing and I don't like to think about it as I find it upsetting. I sympathise with wanting to protect your children from it as long as you can.

I think if you're DS already knew about the case from his own research (including wrong details), it's a bit of a pointless argument really. My DH desensitised my kids early to violence and I wasn't happy about it, eg. Watching UFC fights when they could walk in on him, lots of 12 cert Marvel when they were only 7 etc. However, it was different viewpoints and I am very sensitive to violence. My kids have grown up OK so it was just one less battle to choose to have. To be honest what they talk about at school and what some children have access to and then talk about, I think it's better to have very open communication going on so they can talk to you. I'm probably closer to your DH on this but it's not 'right' vs 'wrong', just what you think is better vs what he thinks is better

I’ve voted YABU purely because you said it was your son that started talking about the case and your DH was correcting him on something. Surely it is better for your son to know the right information about something, than a loadof rubbish because you didn’t want the conversation?

Given your son had already been reading about it, it was highly likely he’d read (or would read) all of the gruesome details at some point anyway. This was a great opportunity for a really good talk with him about right and wrong, what his thoughts were on the case, the sentencing, etc. Maybe even a chance for you to have pointed out there was a lot of speculation at the time that being exposed to unsuitable content from a young age had contributed to the boys behaviour and ask your husband his thoughts on that - and say that’s one reason why you feel it is important for things to be age appropriate.

At 13 years old you are pretty much past the point of being able to censor everything your child hears and sees. So you need to work on being able to have open and honest conversations, so if he reads or watches something that upsets him or he finds disturbing, he will feel he can come and talk to you about it without worry about your reaction. Teach him about reputable sources of information. If a teenager wants to find something out, or watch something they shouldn’t, they will find a way! Whether that’s at school, at the library, with friends, on their phone when they’re out of the house or by asking you, his parents, is what you now need to decide is what you would prefer!

I did see some of your comments about when he was younger, and my vote does not apply to that - I voted purely on the current situation.

To be fair on the 12 certificate thing - it’s actually 12A. This means a child has to be 12 or older to watch on their own/with friends, but younger children can watch it with an adult. It is for the adult to decide if it is suitable for that child, as most children mature at different rates, have different personalities in terms of how sensitive they are, etc. As long as the adult is prepared to leave (if at a cinema) or switch it off (if watching at home) if the child doesn’t like it or gets upset (then uses that to make a judgement call about the next movie) then I couldn’t get worked up about that. But our youngest has been watching the Marvel movies since probably 6 years old because his older brothers (and his Dad) loved them, and even I got into them too! For any new releases though, we would never go to see them on opening weekend, we would wait until we could get reviews online about its suitability for a younger audience (how much violence, anything more than occasional, mild swearing, any nudity/sex scenes, any behaviours or attitudes from the heroes I wouldn’t want to see exhibited by my kids such as poor treatment of women, etc) - I would then call the local cinema when I knew it was a quiet time and ask for their opinion based on the audiences so far (if they’d said a lot of people left early with young children then that would be a no). Long winded way of saying there’s no issue with younger children watching 12 certificate films as long as it’s done responsibly!