Evening only wedding invitations - are they really THAT bad?

[HellDorado]

I know this gets discussed at length on threads about specific weddings, but I’m thinking more about the concept in general.

I’m in my 40s and in the UK. I’ve been going to weddings all my life and only once have I been to one with no extra guests in the evening. I know the concept is alien in some cultures, but I’m talking white British - as far as I knew it was pretty universal. Yet I see people on here of a similar age and background to me claiming they’d never heard of it before Mumsnet, which I find really hard to believe.

What I find harder to believe is the level of annoyance, from mild irritation through to downright fury, at the very idea, let alone actually receiving such an invitation. Angry and sarcastic comments about B-list guests; about how tight the couple must be and that it’s obviously a ruse to get more presents; that it’s all about having the Instagram day (I don’t know how that applied to the evening dos I went to in the 90s) and that people should “cut their cloth” and have their reception in the village hall (that apparently everyone has nearby) just in case cousin Mildred is offended at not getting a three-course meal.

My first question would be, does nobody have relatives or friends to whom they are less close than others - but who they still value? Not everyone aunt is a favourite aunt; not every friend a best friend. That doesn’t mean they’re not important at all. I’m also not arrogant enough to assume that all my friends consider me amongst their closest friends. Is it really that big an issue? I can understand if you consider someone your best friend that it might be a shock if they see it as a much more casual friendship, but the disparity isn’t usually that extreme.

My second question is, can nobody, in the immortal words of the cast of Grange Hill, just say no? In a lot of the threads I see on here, people aren’t actually upset about not getting a full day invitation; they’re annoyed at the very idea of being invited to an evening do, especially if travel is involved. But is it really better to not get the invitation at all? I might well turn down an invitation that involves a long journey and potentially an overnight stay - but that doesn’t mean I’m insulted to be asked. In fact I’d much rather be asked and have to say than have some assume I won’t and not bother to ask. But on MN invitation seems to equal expectation.

As I say, I understand individual circumstances might make it upsetting - e.g. someone you picked as a bridesmaid only inviting you on the evening, or being the only one of six cousins not being invited to the full day. But as an overall concept, I’m struggling to see the grave offence.

I’ve actually not seen anyone complaining about just getting an evening invitation - as you say, they are common. I have to say, if sent to someone who would have to travel, I also see them as more a courtesy invitation that the hosts expect to be declined but even so, not rude. Having said that, if you are inviting 500 of your friends but your siblings who you haven’t fallen out with get just an evening invitation, it’s going to affect your relationship.

What is shockingly rude and incredibly tacky is inviting people to the ceremony, booting them out for 5 or 6 hours while you eat with the guests you actually can be bothered to host then expecting the B list guests to come back for the evening.

This is true too. If you want to, just show your face and get out of there. That would suit me fine (unlike most here, I don't like parties).

Totally depends on the circumstances. Our wedding we had everyone full day because we were getting married in my home country and lots of people had to travel.

We are involved in some hobby groups locally and love evening invites to those. Chance to have a dance and get together with people we are friendly with but not sit through the full day which is reserved for close friends and family rightly so.

We have received evening invitations from husband old school friends back in england, obviously not travelling for it so politely decline but never take offence. We are pleased to be thought off.

God a wedding is boring but the evening is fun.

No problem here.

Save the date's for evening invites do annoy me.

I don't have an issue with evening only invites but it feels like a 2 way thing - if you don't class someone as being important enough to attend the whole day, don't expect them to plan their life around your wedding.

Evening invites totally normal. Don't think I've been to a wedding that didn't have them

I’m mid 40s and white British and I’ve only ever been to one wedding that had evening guests. Otherwise, they have all always been everyone invited for the whole thing, including my own.

The only wedding with evening guests I’ve been to was one where I was an evening guest. It was for one of the mums in my NCT group. Honestly, I didn’t expect to be invited at all. I think maybe it was a bit just to make up numbers (small wedding and meal was all they could afford, but little extra cost for evening guests - cash bar and only food was a teeny bit of cheese and crackers). I wasn’t at all offended though. I probably wouldn’t have invited me at all, but perfectly happy to be an evening guest. Maybe I would have been a bit more miffed if I saw her as a proper friend and not just someone from my NCT class.

@HellDorado , can you link to some of the threads where people are claiming evening invitations are rude? I’ve not seen any and I’d be interested to see why people feel that way.

Weddings are boring, the evening do is fun. I'd much rather only be invited to the evening.

Back in the day , by which I mean the 1970s/early 1980s, it was still common for the bride's parents to be paying for the wedding, and hence they controlled who was invited to the actual wedding and (sit-down meal) reception. The evening reception was for friends of the bride and groom, and they had control of that.

Of course, this predates 'destination' weddings and selecting your church/venues for their photogenic qualities.

A wedding held locally to (almost) all guests, an evening-only invite was not an issue.

A cousin of mine who I like but am not particularly close to partly due to geographical distance, recently got married and my parents were invited to the whole thing but I didn’t even get an evening invite (neither did my siblings) and I was kind of offended! I wouldn’t have expected to be invited to the whole thing but did expect to get an evening invite. I spoke to my mum about it and she said she thought they’d just assumed due to geographical distance that we wouldn’t want to come, especially for an evening only invite, and it would probably be different if we lived locally.

This is exactly the kind of thing I mean! They’ve assumed you won’t want to travel rather than giving you the opportunity to decide for yourself.

There have been quite a few responses here saying it’s rude if people are “expected” to travel a long way, but is it really an expectation? Isn’t an invitation something you can choose to accept or not?

If someone invited me to an evening do that meant a long journey or overnight stay, I might not be able to go - but equally, it might well be in a place I’d really love to see, or a rare opportunity to see old friends or extended family, in which case I’d go. Either way, I wouldn’t be offended by the invitation, and certainly wouldn’t feel I was “expected” to go.

MIL has recently received an evening invitation to her great niece’s (MIL’s sister’s granddaughter) wedding. Given that MIL is 88, getting frail and lives a two hour drive away, we’re assuming this was a case of “I’m sending you an invitation to be polite but I don’t care whether you come or not”.

MIL doesn’t drive and she’s a widow and the invitation was just for her, no plus one. She asked DP if he would drive her to the wedding, but he say no. He didn’t want to drive for 2 hours, twiddle his thumbs for another 2 or 3 hours whilst his DM was at the reception, then spend another 2 hours driving her home. She’s too frail to get three trains each way.

The evening invitees are not catered for. You have to buy your own drinks. Then an evening buffet is given out at 12 midnight. This is tea/coffee and triangles of sandwiches. The day guests smirk if you take more than one or two triangles or if you have a second cup of coffee.

You are travelling for 2 triangles of a sandwich and a cup of coffee!!!

I lnow evening invites are fine for a group of young people. They will still look good with casual fashionable clothes and doing their own hair and make up. They will all get up dancing. They may car pool.

However If I go to an evening I will look very shabby as a 50 year old. I have to dress like a guest and pay to get hair and makeup done. Other people my age (who have been there for the day) aren't bothered about getting up dancing. I am trying to coax my dh to dance. Also I feel conscious if I am the only person my age dancing. The others my age are relaxed after the meal and want to sit around talking.

There is often nowhere to sit. The day guests are all still at their tables, sitting talking so I have nowhere to put my bag and coat. I find it rude, as a couple, trying yo join in with a table and finding free seats. Between that and the smirking at us taking sandwiches, it is just miserable.

I have never travelled for 2 midnight sandwiches sounds a miserable experience any evening do ive been to there was a 9.30 buffet and only rich people pay for all day bars most people have a paybar.

Yes, I married in the 90s and this is exactly what we and all our mates did. Evening invites for schoolmates and friends of parents that we weren’t close to - all either lived locally or their parents did, so some came to the church and then back again in the evening; others just to the evening for.

That sounds awful - but wI have never experienced that at any evening reception. And the buffet is usually out at 9. Midnight is going home!

This sounds very… extreme. The way you’re talking, this is what every evening do is like. I can’t even imagine one being like this.

A buffet at midnight? Aren’t most weddings winding down by then, thanks to the venue licence if nothing else? And day guests smirking because you took an extra sandwich? I honestly don’t believe the vast majority of people even notice what anyone else eats at a buffet. As for stating you’ll look “very shabby” if you don’t dress like a day guest - I think that’s all in your head.

DS1 & fiancée are planning their wedding. I doubt anyone is surprised to hear that weddings cost an absolute fortune. The happy couple would love to invite all their friends and relatives to share every part of their big day with them. Unfortunately, this would mean they’d never be able to buy a house or have children. Cue much agonised decision making about whom to invite to the ceremony and wedding breakfast. Everyone else gets an invitation to the evening do. Yes, they’ve already had the odd decline, but there’ll be plenty of people there who want to be there to celebrate the occasion with them in whatever way they can.

Wow not like any evenings do I've been to. And I'm perfectly capable of doing my own hair and make up. Buffet usually appears by 7 or 8 pm . I give this a miss if any kids have been poking through it

I like an evening invitation to something like a colleague's wedding. You can have a bop and a bit of a catch up and leave when you've had enough. Sometimes it can be a bit 'oh, that's where I am in the pecking order'...but mostly it's all fine. I wouldn't travel across country for one unless there was another good reason for it, but would still appreciate being thought of.

When I got married (80s) everyone did it. I have been invited to lots of evening receptions and never felt insulted. It's just a way of including as many people as possible as it's not possible to have the same amount of people for a wedding breakfast (unless you're very well off and have unlimited space).

That is nothing like any evening do i have ever been to!

Evening invitations are fine for local people and more casual friends.

It's not cool to split friendship/ family clusters up, or expect people to travel significant distances (especially if there is little else to do in the area. Or send Save the Dates then just invite for the evening.

There seems to be an increase in sending an invitation to ceremony and evening but not the wedding breakfast which is awkward, especially in a single venue.

An invite to the evening do is fine. The only thing that is really important is to make sure that the evening do starts on time - don't make people stand shivering in the courtyard outside because the speeches haven't finished.

Actually - yeah, also make sure that the evening do guests will have somewhere to sit.