Evening only wedding invitations - are they really THAT bad?

[HellDorado]

I know this gets discussed at length on threads about specific weddings, but I’m thinking more about the concept in general.

I’m in my 40s and in the UK. I’ve been going to weddings all my life and only once have I been to one with no extra guests in the evening. I know the concept is alien in some cultures, but I’m talking white British - as far as I knew it was pretty universal. Yet I see people on here of a similar age and background to me claiming they’d never heard of it before Mumsnet, which I find really hard to believe.

What I find harder to believe is the level of annoyance, from mild irritation through to downright fury, at the very idea, let alone actually receiving such an invitation. Angry and sarcastic comments about B-list guests; about how tight the couple must be and that it’s obviously a ruse to get more presents; that it’s all about having the Instagram day (I don’t know how that applied to the evening dos I went to in the 90s) and that people should “cut their cloth” and have their reception in the village hall (that apparently everyone has nearby) just in case cousin Mildred is offended at not getting a three-course meal.

My first question would be, does nobody have relatives or friends to whom they are less close than others - but who they still value? Not everyone aunt is a favourite aunt; not every friend a best friend. That doesn’t mean they’re not important at all. I’m also not arrogant enough to assume that all my friends consider me amongst their closest friends. Is it really that big an issue? I can understand if you consider someone your best friend that it might be a shock if they see it as a much more casual friendship, but the disparity isn’t usually that extreme.

My second question is, can nobody, in the immortal words of the cast of Grange Hill, just say no? In a lot of the threads I see on here, people aren’t actually upset about not getting a full day invitation; they’re annoyed at the very idea of being invited to an evening do, especially if travel is involved. But is it really better to not get the invitation at all? I might well turn down an invitation that involves a long journey and potentially an overnight stay - but that doesn’t mean I’m insulted to be asked. In fact I’d much rather be asked and have to say than have some assume I won’t and not bother to ask. But on MN invitation seems to equal expectation.

As I say, I understand individual circumstances might make it upsetting - e.g. someone you picked as a bridesmaid only inviting you on the evening, or being the only one of six cousins not being invited to the full day. But as an overall concept, I’m struggling to see the grave offence.

I totally agree OP, I think depending on circumstances people might be offended so you have to be careful who you invite to the evening bit only I guess. But more distant family members, work colleagues, ancquaintances rather than friends etc. it’s totally fine (I’d personally invite all my actual friends to the whole thing).

A cousin of mine who I like but am not particularly close to partly due to geographical distance, recently got married and my parents were invited to the whole thing but I didn’t even get an evening invite (neither did my siblings) and I was kind of offended! I wouldn’t have expected to be invited to the whole thing but did expect to get an evening invite. I spoke to my mum about it and she said she thought they’d just assumed due to geographical distance that we wouldn’t want to come, especially for an evening only invite, and it would probably be different if we lived locally. She said I’m probably actually still welcome if I wanted to make the trip and she could talk to my aunt and check. I would have travelled for it except my son was right in the middle of GCSEs then and I’m a single parent, so it wasn’t really practical to travel for the weekend after all. I did send her a wedding present. We are first cousins after all with no bad blood between us and I am N Irish, usually all family is invited to a wedding culturally, at least in my social circles there.

I think it’s perfect for local friendly acquaintances like work colleagues and the people on your sports team. People who wouldn’t expect a proper invite but would like a drink and a bit of a dance.

On Mumsnet - they are the height of ill manners, and the ultimate snub. One would rather walk through hell barefoot than attend.

In reality- no they are not a problem at all. People who are invited to evening do’s attend gladly if they can, and decline politely if they can’t.

Your first two sentences have been directly contradicted by the posts on this thread.

There's a lot of people on MN that would never accept a wedding invitation. What if they were expected to interact with people?

I had a relatively small registry office wedding and an evening everybody came and nobody moaned.

I don't think there's anything wrong with inviting local friends, colleagues second cousins etc to an evening do.

Great Aunt from Australia... definitely rude.

And children. Your children are your family, not your friends family. Its OK they aren't invited.

In real life people like weddings, they go if they can, apologise if they can't and don't see an invitation as a deadly insult.

Been to lots of evening wedding dos for work colleagues and neighbours etc. They have usually been enjoyable and I was never offended at not being invited all day .

I think it would be very rude to go to an event and moan about it! I've never come across that, but maybe it's a thing.

If the guests are local - I think it's a bit ridiculous to invite people to travel for an evening invite
have you never travelled anywhere to go to a party, @polinkhausive ? That’s all it is. I’ve travelled for significant birthday parties, wedding anniversary parties etc. Why not a wedding party?
I agree there should be some form of food, but a cash bar is fine.

Well everyone came that we invited, and seemed happy to be there so I am assuming nobody moaned.

I should think not! Imagine going to someone's wedding party and moaning! That would be the height of rudeness!

Isn't the issue though (on MN, no idea gow common it is!) generally that people are invited to the service and the evening but not the bit in the middle. Which basically feels like bugger off and fend for yourselves and come back later. Especially given people mostly travel further for weddings than they might in the past it's just not practical.
Just inviting for the evening with no requirement or expectation to attend the actual wedding ceremony would be fine surely?
And I can see if the wedding meal is for like 100 people it would smart rather to effectively know you are not in the top 100 friends of the couple, probably less antagonist if the wedding and meal are family and close friends only/ couple of dozen people and the evening is everybody.
It's a bit like a kid inviting friends to a party from school.
Inviting less than half the class is fine, or inviting all the girls/all the boys. But when it tips over into inviting more than half or just excluding a handful it's considered unkind and upsetting to those singled out.

Is it still a thing? I don’t think I’ve been to a wedding in the last 2 decades where B listers turn up in the evening.

What is the point? Just invite the guests you want and can afford to host, and have them there all day. I’d never accept an invitation to an evening do, not that I e ever had one.

I've had this issue recently. Live in a different city and not seen family member for years. My first cousin is getting married and auntie/uncle are godparents to my child. My mum also used to look after my cousins a lot. My parents have been invited but not me. I have been relegated to the same position as the black sheep of the family who also aren't invited. I was quite hurt tbh and told my mum who said there's room at the evening do if you want to go but I've said no as they've not even bothered to invite us. I would have been happy with the evening do invite but its taken my mum to ask to even be considered.

No they're not at all, it honestly puzzles me why people get so annoyed. I think the only exceptions imo is if you go on the hen do and only invited on the evening or if the wedding is not local. It actually happened to me at the same wedding, I went on a hen do (abroad) and then only had an evening invite despite the wedding being 70 miles away. I made my excuses and didn't attend.

We had close family and friends at the ceremony and reception then work colleagues and friends of parents to the evening.
We didn’t feel comfortable with people we weren’t close to at the service so let our parents have free rein for the evening as a compromise.
I worked in a big company with lots of teams on one floor. So settled on in inviting just my own team to the evening. Which was perfectly fine except for one woman in another team who was INCENSED not to be included even though I barely knew her.
If I’m buying dinner for 50 people I’m choosing those I’m closest to.
I wouldn’t be offended to be an evening guest. Unless it was immediate family!
Edited to add: I know someone who had a registry office service, all welcome to that, followed by ten people in the private dining room of an exclusive country club. Party for 50 later on. One couple refused to travel and stay over for just being invited to the service then entertain themselves until the party. That seems fair enough to me.

First decision I made when planning the wedding was everyone was coming to everything. Then h decided he didn't want an evening do so it became a moot point but we'd have stuck to my plan if he hadn't wanted to leave after the reception.

I'm not offended if just invited to the evening do but I am disappointed as I want to see the marriage taking place. It is the whole point for me.

‘B listers’? Really? Everyone in your life from your parents to your friend from book club are of exactly the same importance to you are they?
Wedding receptions are often dominated by family and obligation invitations. The evening allows you to have friends there too. And nobody I know considers it an insult - they get it. Having say 70 to sit down and another 100 later if you can afford that is inviting the guests you can afford, just in a different (and totally normal) way from trying to find a venue that can seat 170 for a seated meal, never mind the cost.

I’m 45, been attending multiple weddings per year since I was a child, and can only think of two that didn’t have evening guests and those were because they were destination weddings.

We had separate evening only guests, I don’t know if they were offended but I doubt it for most of them since we’d been to their weddings as evening guests.

We specified no gifts, and provided several free drinks for evening guests, plus food.

Cash bar after the money we put behind it ran out though - another thing that is completely normal, I’ve never been to a wedding with free drinks all evening.

Also completely normal for nearly every wedding I’ve been to is no children/ close family children only.

I’m frequently baffled by the outrage about these things on mumsnet wedding threads - but I also suspect I’m probably a bit common!

So, you were bothered by an evening only invitation - you didn't think it was the right thing and you were annoyed? That seems to contradict your first sentence. Unless I have misunderstood.

They’re fine, as long as those invited are relatively local, and people actually cater for them (decent buffet, at least one welcome drink, dancing / entertainment). That’s an invite to an evening party, and is fine. It when it’s a complete afterthought that it seems selfish.

People who can't afford a massive venue for their wedding followed by sit down meal for 200 guests but could afford a buffet and disco for 200 aren't snubbing anyone.

Registry offices are very limited in numbers too. Not everyone has MN 6 figure salaries to pay for £50k weddings but still want to celebrate with their friends and family.

If you don't like evening only invites, don't go.

Agree - I think it’s fine to have a more extended party bit as long as the invitees are all close by, ie they don’t have to stay overnight. But it’s a bit more cheeky if you’re asking people to travel - I mean, of course you can say no, but if I’m asking people to come far and book a room for the night, they should be invited to the whole thing in my opinion.

I disagree.
We had a small wedding (less than 50 people) and had a rule that if we hadn't seen the people in the five years we'd been together, they would be invited, but not part of the main group.
The evening guests were my great uncles/aunts/ second cousins' children (if we knew them), neighbours who weren't that close personally, neighbours' children, when neighbours were invited (my neighbour's boys who I had babysat as a teen schlepped up from Glastonbury Festival to make it. I was honoured, this was before Glastonbury was ridiculous and we are only 50 miles away).
My best friend's parents...
There were various reasons.
DH and I completely agreed on what we would do and, given we got married 100 miles away from where we live, we invited colleagues for the whole day.
25 years later, we still believe that we invited everyone correctly.
My grandmother's sisters were incredibly strange, didn't RSVP and hung out in the churchyard to see who had been invited over them. They were horrified that we had people from other cultures there. Grandma (who was not inclined to swear) said, after the event "fuck them, we all had a great time and they would have been such hard work".