Am I being unreasonable for trying to break up my son with his bf?

[Marianneee]

I thought I could get some input from parents on here with older kids.

I have a 22 year old son who is dating a 55 year old man. My son tells me it's just hooking up, and they are not in a relationship but I am worried it will turn into one. I told him it's disgusting and he should go after young men or women. He told me to mind my own business in a very cold way.

His dad is the same as as his sex buddy and he's on my side but our son is not happy with what we think. I saw the pics of this 55 yo and he's handsome for his age but still......

Am I really wrong in what I am doing?

Yabu girl, sorry

He's enjoying himself and as long as he's being careful, I wouldn't worry too much

Lots of gay men have an older man phase apparently

The main worry would be pregnancy but as they're both men, there's nothing to worry about there

I would be as relaxed as possible so as to not push him away, whilst making clear that the relationship is not acceptable

He's 22 so he's too old for anything more from you than that

Yabu his a grown ass man sleeping with who he wants it’s his business. I’m sure in your 20’s you wouldn’t have reacted kindly to your mother telling you who you can and cannot sleep with.

It would make me uneasy in case of a power imbalance bring abused but there's nothing you can do. Maybe invite your son to bring his friend for dinner and he may get freaked by the age similarity.

He's a grown adult. You can express concerns but frankly I don't blame him for not being happy if you worded your concerns as "disgusting" and that a presumably gay man should "go after girls" as that does come across as incredibly homophobic.

There's a recent thread where a mum is posting about her teen daughter and her driving instructor.

As the song says, it's different for girls so yes, sorry but you are being unreasonable. Your son's a bit older, but also the gay scene does have a lot of young/old relationships where the terms are clearly laid out.

You are still allowed to be concerned but stay out of it if you want to keep a decent relationship with your son. Protesting will just drive you apart.

Nah, I would not be happy with that age gap either. Look at those young men and the BBC presenters case. One paid a kid to send him material... This is a mahoossive red flag.
But... your son is not a child. So you talk to him. Ask how this man is treating him and voice your concerns and keep a watchful eye. But you cannot break them up.

Using the words 'disgusting' and 'should' is really judgmental. I'd think about what you are saying to your son if you want to maintain a positive relationship with him. No wonder his tone with you is cold. My DD is also 22. Although, unlike you, I liked her first BF, there were two things that concerned me. Only once the relationship broke up did I mention them to her. At 22, our DC have to find their own way.

The whole thing is grim but at least he can’t get pregnant. Let him crack on

Yuck. I'd be really unhappy if my son (20) was dating/hooking up with a man 30 years older. That's older than me.

It’s not that unusual but I wouldn’t be happy either

The way you describe your son telling you to mind your own business suggests he might have a thing for older men but doesn't really want to discuss that with you.

Lots of gay men have an older man phase apparently

I've never understood why age gaps that would be massively concerning in hetero couples are deemed fine in gay couples

I think it's down to a latent homophobia, like maybe people feel that young gay men aren't as worthy of protection as young women?

Bloody hell YABmassivelyU here

ew I can see why you’re uncomfortable with it

I would be grossed out if my 22 year old child was dating a 55 year old. I also side eye any 55 year old with a 22 year old partner.

But there is nothing you can do to stop it. They are both adults.

I want to say YABU because I know that he's an adult, can make his own choices etc. But I know I wouldn't be happy if it were my son either.

He's 22 and he can fuck whoever he likes. You don't have to approve but you have absolutely no business getting involved.

And before anyone asks, yes, I would say the same if your son was a 22-year-old woman.

This. I absolutely would feel the same way about a child of either gender being in a relationship this far apart. I would express my concern and then step back, not mention it again.

I have a 22 year old son and I would be extremely unhappy about a similar situation, so I really do sympathise with you and you are not being unreasonable to feel this way.

But I in your shoes I would neither encourage nor discourage.

I might point out obvious drawbacks - i.e. their points of reference could be poles apart, such as musical likes, childhood fads etc. This isn't a major thing, but the older guy might tire of trying to explain who Del Boy is or what deely boppers were. It's the little things that can upset the applecart.

But I would be careful not to openly criticise as it's important to keep the relationship with your son. Either the relationship founders or it doesn't, but don't lose your son over it.

Yeah it’s none of your business. I’d ride the hole off Bruce Springsteen and he’s about 35 years older than me. The heart wants what it wants innit

I think it depends on the nature of the relationship.

Hooking up / no-strings / open sexual relationships are a lot more common among gay men than they are among straight couples, and an age-gap relationship which is essentially just for sex, and in which neither person involved is looking for long-term commitment, is far less problematic than an one in which the couple is looking to get married, buy a house and have kids together.

Is he Bi?
Because your comment about girls might not have helped things!

Yes he says he's bi.

I am 😮 that so many on this thread seem to think this is totally fine and that @Marianneee is being unreasonable.
Would you be totally fine if your 22yo dd was dating a 55yo man.
Or your 22yo ds dating a 55yo woman?

Im willing to bet you wouldnt be.

The logic that its fine because "well neither of them can get pregnant" is ridiculous and naive. No they cant but there are plenty of other reasons why I wouldnt be happy as a parent in these circs.

It's grim but there's not much you can do about it unfortunately

I don't believe any poster would be happy with these ages no matter what sex their DC was if it actually happened to them