Am I being unreasonable for trying to break up my son with his bf?

[Marianneee]

I thought I could get some input from parents on here with older kids.

I have a 22 year old son who is dating a 55 year old man. My son tells me it's just hooking up, and they are not in a relationship but I am worried it will turn into one. I told him it's disgusting and he should go after young men or women. He told me to mind my own business in a very cold way.

His dad is the same as as his sex buddy and he's on my side but our son is not happy with what we think. I saw the pics of this 55 yo and he's handsome for his age but still......

Am I really wrong in what I am doing?

Definitely not, they're in need of protection too! This man still has more life experience, and more knowledge and ability to manipulate this young man.

But the danger of pregnancy, which would mean he's not going anywhere ever, is gone. This means that the op has a bit more time to focus on supporting her son and not ruining her relationship with him because of what is hopefully a phase

Whether they are hetro or Gay , this is a big age gap, but if it’s just FWB/ hook up , wouldn’t bother me tbh ..
I see alright where you are coming from if it were to become a relationship, what about kids/ future with someone so much older …
His choice though & saying this kindly , it’s his business & no one else’s 🤷🏻‍♀️

You've told him you don't approve, and he doesn't care. So there isn't actually anything you can do about it. I'd stop going on about it to be honest.

I wouldn't be happy with such a large age gap , when my daughter is 22 I will be 41 so if she was to have a partner that was 55 I would be very uncomfortable but unfortunately there's not a lot that can be done as your son is an adult and you might push him away if you keep bringing it up

coercive age gap relationships are a huge problem for 'gays on the scene'; my son fell into one, he's now thankfully much older and wiser and when I mentioned this thread to him on the phone last night he put it like this (paraphrasing):

"There's a huge obsession in the scene with twinks. Older men trolling for and taking advantage of men who are decades younger and don't have the life experience to assert themselves and make the relationship one of equals. Quite often the twink is young enough that he's still coming to terms with and understanding his own sexuality, sometime's he'll have experienced homophobic abuse as a teen and so he's doubly vulnerable. These older men use them up then move on to the next. I was fine but it fucked me up for quite a long time and I have friends who had it worse. There's this complacent idea that age gap relationships are more normal and fine in gay men than they are for straights, where huge power imbalances would be rightly called out. It's homophobia in disguise - no one wants to call it out for fear of looking bigoted so they just let it happen."

You've said you don't like it. He knows. If you keep going on, you'll damage your relationship with him and that's paramount, esp at his age.

What is disgusting? How is it defined in a sexual relationship?
A young man having a casual fling with an older man?
A young woman sleeping with an entire university campus?
Two underage people sleeping together
Two 80 year olds having sex?
Thruples?
Orgies?

Your son is 22. You've called him disgusting (or al least the concept of his relationship) it may go against all you personal sensibilities, but his life, his choice. It's ok to voice a concern, but then be ready to support your child when there's a fallout.
Parenting is always challenging!

You're worrying about something that 'might' happen - a serious relationship - but your DS has assured you it won't. He's an adult so he can make his own decisions.
You can have opinions, but I would be gently taking the piss rather than telling him what he 'should' be doing or trying to break them up.

Yeap! And they do get abused readily indeed.
I do fully understand the OP, but you have to go gentle with these things for your DS not to shut the door on your face.

Well back right off!! Your behaviour will only push your son closer to the guy!!

Ensure your son is being safe and then keep your opinions to yourself.

I mean, I'm not disagreeing that an older man dating a younger man is inappropriate and causes harm

But its also true that lots of gay men go through this phase, and are completely unaware of the older man's power (similar to straight relationships, without the danger of a child being born)

Saying all of this to her son will only push him away. He's made his choice and the op needs to prioritise her relationship with him. If she keeps on nagging him and telling him she disagrees, it sounds like he will just ignore her and pull away

I would focus on being close to him, whilst making clear I don't support his choice. I'd ensure he's taking all precautions and that he knows he's loved.

I just think your choice of phraseology But its also true that lots of gay men go through this phase, is for me just so problematic.

Would it be OK to say something equally stereotypical and generalising (and false) like 'all girls go through a phase of chasing after older married men' or 'all women go through a phase of getting drunk and shagging random men'? No and so why is it OK for the gay community? Gay people are humans of equal value, not an entirely different species with strange customs that we don't question.

Your choice of phrasing also places all the agency with the younger, vulnerable men. I believe this is not the case and that many vulnerable young men get preyed on by much older guys. At its very worst, this dynamic can be deadly - Denis Nilsen and Stephen Port, who both preyed on younger men, got away with it for so long as they did because of the police implicit assumptions that young guy men are going to be promiscuous, are going to take drugs, are going to go off with random strangers. Sure it's just a phase they go through. We see a similar dynamic taking place with the Yorkshire grooming gangs.

I believe it is important for OP to recognise these factors and be on her guard and not be scared to ask difficult questions, as I did with my boy.

Girl, this man sounds predatory and creepy

But more like leo Dicaprio rather than Stephen port

He's older handsome, ops son doesn't see that he's a predator who can't sustain a relationship with someone his own age. He will, in time, with the love and support of his family

But your, very correct comments about abuse within the gay community, are not going to help the op in this situation. What is she meant to do 😭, keeping him close and being a firm support system, whilst being clear about being against the relationship, is the best way forward

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting drunk and sleeping around tbh.

And I think that its true that lots of girls go through phases of dating older/inappropriate men? I don't agree that it's okay but it happens. And, in the same way that I'm speaking about gay men, I would say that the older man has a power imbalance and is exploiting it.

But I would also urge caution because you don't want this man getting your child pregnant and being stuck to her forever. Other than that, I'd say exactly the same thing

The man in the op sounds like a temporary thing that appears in everyone's lives - trying to break them up will only cause problems

Sexuality is irrelevant here but what is relevant is the huge age gap and therefore life experience imbalance and financial imbalance.

You can't do anything as consenting adults unfortunately.
Don’t go on at him as it will push him further away.

I would be extremely unhappy about it. The man is old enough to be his dad, I would feel it would be a very unequal relationship on all levels with a vast difference in maturity and life experience. I would have serious concerns.

LMAO
These predator and creep comments are something 😂

Son is 22, he can defend himself and think for himself. He's most likely much stronger than this old man.

Controlling your adults kids sex life is creepy and toxic. I wouldn't be surprised if he left his parents.

I had sex with lot of older men and never had an issue. Leo is not a predator he is wanted by many, good for him!

Glad most people see she's unreasonable based on the poll. First time I agree with Mumsnet. I wonder why most of those voting YABU are not commenting.

Sexuality is irrelevant here but what is relevant is the huge age gap and therefore life experience imbalance and financial imbalance

But that imbalance is exactly the thing that makes it exciting for the younger partner. It doesn't necessarily mean that the younger partner is being groomed or abused or is vulnerable. It often means that the younger partner just finds it sexy to be with someone older, experienced and well-off. These are two people who are hooking up for sex rather than planning a life together - the OP's son has made that clear.

We aren't talking about a teenager here. We're talking about a grown man in his 20s who is capable of deciding for himself who he sleeps with. I guarantee you that the OP's son is fully aware of the imbalance and, presumably, enjoys it.

I don't think it's fair to compare him to literal rapists 😭

Leo is creepy though, come on, imagine spending time with him and his latest 22 year old, you'd be disgusted

This is a phase everyone goes through though, I agree. I'd just ride it out and show ds he's loved and cared for. He'll soon get the ick from this older man

It's not unusual, but power imbalance and abuse is rife in gay relationships too.
I wouldn't be happy either.

Fucks sake he's a grown man, you need to butt out. Maybe they fall in love and get married, maybe they bump uglies for a few months and forget eachother ever existed. Either way it's none of your business.

Yes I would say the same if it was a woman with an older man. You don't get a say in this.