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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you go to the same place partner went to with an ex?

40 replies

Bringbackmarsdelights · 13/03/2025 17:29

Discussing with a friend her new relationship. She said she cancelled a date with her new boyfriend, as he had booked the same restaurant he had been to with a previous partner. She asked me if she was being daft. I had to admit I wouldn't like it if my boyfriend took me to places he had been with exes.

Are we being unreasonable? Would your DH or partner be happy going to places you've been before with exes? Or is it just an insecurity for some women? Just wanted to see other views on it!

OP posts:
DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 13/03/2025 17:33

Been with DH almost 20 years. If I couldn’t re-visit places I’ve been with him, locally I’d be left with a couple of takeaways and Nando’s!

GiddyRobin · 13/03/2025 17:34

That wouldn't bother me in the slightest. How on earth would you manage if you'd been in a long term relationship?! Think of the amount of restaurants, bars, cinemas, cafes that would suddenly be off limits!

That's some major insecurity and very unhealthy.

My ex and I loved Vietnamese food. DH loves Vietnamese food. Of course we've been to the same restaurants! Doesn't bother him in the slightest. It's a restaurant, I'm not asking him to wear her engagement ring!

Are you and your friend very young, OP?

MeAndMyCatCharlotte · 13/03/2025 17:35

Pretty sure that I have been to loads of places my boyfriend went to with his ex (they were together for 7 years). I have taken him to plenty of places I went to with my exH (married 23 years). No problem with it.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 13/03/2025 17:35

Yes, I think that's way OTT and insecure. I'd reconsider if I were him. Couldn't be doing with that.

MuddyPawsIndoors · 13/03/2025 17:35

Currently married 23 years and was previously married for 9.

Of course we've visited places I went to with my ex.

We'd be living a pretty limited life if we didn't!

Member869894 · 13/03/2025 17:36

I wouldn't want to go to the same hotel they'd been in; I'd prefer to make new memories. But restaurants etc wouldn't bother me.

Whatbloodysummer · 13/03/2025 17:38

Not being happy being taken to a restaurant (or any venue) that he had taken an ex to is just ridiculous.

So you'd never go to the same theater, cinema, theme park, country etc etc?

Seriously?

People want to share the things they like with partners, so unless you want your partner to change who they are and what they like, then it's inevitable there will be a crossover sometimes?

JoyousOpalTurtle · 13/03/2025 17:40

This is the sort of thing I worried about as a teenager honestly, dealing with retroactive jealousy.

I couldn't watch a film my boyfriend had seen with an ex. Once I found out the bowling alley we were at he'd been with with her, two years ago, and left lol. I spent so much time agonising over where he'd been with her.

I'm an adult now, and no, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I would be gutted if for some reason DH and I split up and I could never go to my favourite restaurants again with a new person! It's just so silly.

Doggymummar · 13/03/2025 17:40

of course she's being unreasonable! It's a small world God knows how many partners or dates you go on in a lifetime. I've been to New York, Paris, Amsterdam, Majorca, Malta with this partner in 11 years, all of which I've been too with other people. There are three restaurants you can eat in in our village and I have been to all if them with other boyfriends or on days. I can only imagine she is very young and hasn't thought this through.

Chaseandstatus · 13/03/2025 17:40

There’s a few places that I have extremely unhappy memories of going to with my ex, I wouldn’t want to visit them again with anyone whether friend or romantic. But on the whole I don’t think it matters for most standard places.

OurChristmasMiracle · 13/03/2025 17:40

I’ve never thought to ask if my partner has been to a restaurant with an ex and it doesn’t bother me at all- he had a life before me. It probably would bother me if he proposed to me in the same location qnd way though.

GarlicStyle · 13/03/2025 17:41

This is crazy 😂 I might think twice if he'd proposed there or it had been their 'special place' ... and, after thinking twice, I'd be in! You've as much right to be there as any other customer. Presumably your boyfriend can tell the difference between you and his ex - can't he?!

outerspacepotato · 13/03/2025 17:42

Seriously? 😂

No, that wouldn't bother me a bit.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/03/2025 17:43

You’re both being rather immature.

MissHollysDolly · 13/03/2025 17:44

Would I book a romantic weekend at their wedding venue? No. Would
i pop to the local pizza express that he went with her? Yea.

Original poster
Bringbackmarsdelights · 13/03/2025 17:46

I'm embarrassed to say our age now.... both in our thirties...

Her point was it would remind her partner of his exes, my point was that it makes it less special going to somewhere you'd already been with an ex. I admit friend is hard work, I also admit I can be, but you all know that now 😂

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 13/03/2025 17:47

I live in Manchester and if I had to start dating again and a new partner wouldn't go to any restaurants I'd been to with my DP, that would basically rule out every decent eating establishment in the entire city and quite a few bad ones as well!

Ridiculous.

Theunamedcat · 13/03/2025 17:51

It bothered me honestly my ex husband wanted to recreate his first marriage so for example "western super mare" was their favourite holiday destination she used to live there they visited more than once a year we get together he wants to go there I suggested elsewhere he wanted the same wedding venue I refused 😂 he bought her roses I don't like them he continually bought them for me until I began rehoming them with his mother now he is with number three he is taking her to the places WE went to he also took his last girlfriend to the same place we went to also it's genuinely like he has no ideas of his own (don't get me started on the engagement rings)

I should add that apart from the wedding venue I did not know until after we split and it makes me feel icky just thinking about it

localnotail · 13/03/2025 17:52

If this is simply a place they went to - ok, understandable, esp if its a small town, for example, and they were together years.

I went on a few dates with someone who not only deliberately only went to the places he went to with his ex but also told me all the stories relating the times he was there with her. I felt like we are doing a tribute tour.

I think it largely depends on how it makes you feel.

CleanShirt · 13/03/2025 17:52

I've heard on the grapevine that exh is taking new girlfriend to places we went to, including the same villa on a Greek island.

I also heard that he took me places that he took his ex.

Some people just have no imagination!

BadBerlin · 13/03/2025 17:55

It's a petty jealousy thing 'Oooh how could you have had a life before me?'

Personally, I'm not bothered but Ive been with DH 20 years, so dating anyone else is ancient history.

Dollydaydream100 · 13/03/2025 17:55

I remember going to Australia with dh (years ago before we were married) and while we were there him casually dropping it in the conversation that he'd been there with his ex. I was livid, not so much that he'd been there with her but I was hurt that I'd thought it was something special he'd done with me only to find out he'd already been there with her. It does put a downer on things I think, but at least your friends bf was honest beforehand.

Whoarethoseguys · 13/03/2025 17:57

If it's a good restaurant what does it matter if he has been there with a previous partner. There are only so many venues so surely at some point chances are you will go somewhere where your partner went with an ex?

DeffoNeedANameChange · 13/03/2025 18:14

Restaurants - not bothered.
Romantic hotel/holiday - I wouldn't like it

FidosMum84 · 13/03/2025 18:16

If it’s somewhere special then probably avoid it. My friend was gutted when she left her ex and father of her kids and 2 weeks later he was at their favourite restaurant they went to pretty much exclusively with a date. They’re still together and go all the time. But he has no imagination and it’s a good restaurant. She just had to get over it and she hasn’t been back.

I remember a particularly tricky debate with an ex where we tried to choose holiday destinations where we hadn’t been with a previous partner and it got ridiculous given we’re not spring chicken and have lived a life! We ended up booking a couple of places that either he’d been to or we both had and had a great time.

Does she think he’s not over his ex? They can always make new memories as long as he doesn’t keep saying things like ‘I’ve always loved the steak here’ as that would be an unhelpful reminder.

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