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Original poster

Punishing DSD(12)s behaviour

38 replies

thatsnotaproblem · 13/03/2025 12:04

DSD is 12. We have always got and well and she can be a lovely girl. She lives here majority of the time but most parenting and punishment is done by DP.

I had booked for us to go to an concert over Easter including weekend away and other activities. She was very excited and I have also been looking forward to it.

There have recently been increasing issues with her behaviour through, including:
-General rudeness, arguing, shouting.
-Coming into my room, going through my stuff and taking/borrowing things
-Leaving mess and refusing to clear up after herself.
-Lying, not taking responsibility

She asked me to pick her up from seeing friends after school yesterday. She was immediately rude and grumpy, complained that I had to stop at a shop quickly on the way back. When we got home I asked if she could get changed out of her uniform so I could wash her shirt and she moaned and refused which escalated into her door slamming, throwing things and shouting at me including calling me a bitch.

In the moment I said something like ‘if this is how you behave when we’re on our own then we won’t be going to X anymore’ and that I could easily take my teen sister instead.

Was I unreasonable to say that or would I be unreasonable to do it?

OP posts:
Nodddy · 13/03/2025 12:09

No that's fine. You've just got to stick to it.

BigFatLiar · 13/03/2025 12:09

I think if you threaten a punishment then you need to be ready to carry it out.

Any chance you could talk to her and see if there's an underlying problem?

sesquipedalian · 13/03/2025 12:17

Speak to DSD, especially if this is unusual. Is she hormonal? Is she acting up because of peer pressure? Ask her how she would feel if you went into her room and used her stuff, or called her names. Tell her she’s getting older and needs to take responsibility for herself - and that you are really looking forward to the concert and weekend away but that she is putting that in jeopardy by being so rude to you (but remember she is only a kid, and we were all rude and unreasonable as tweens and teens!)

Original poster
thatsnotaproblem · 13/03/2025 12:18

That is my concern.
I think I maybe shouldn’t have made the threat in the moment but now that I have if I back track she’s going to think she can treat me however she likes.

OP posts:
Milly16 · 13/03/2025 12:20

I backtrack sometimes. It's ok. If she's acting out there's something up. You need to figure out what it is (plus boundaries obviously). I don't think cancelling all activities will help at all.

Ablondiebutagoody · 13/03/2025 12:20

I think that you did the right thing. Take your teen sister and calmly explain to dsd why you don't want to spend a weekend away with someone who treats you so disrespectfully.

wherearemypastnames · 13/03/2025 12:22

You can always say " if this behaviour continues then I won't take you on holiday but can we talk about it first as I would be sad if I couldn't go with you, and you are acting out of character- perhaps I can help ?"

Ferrazzuoli · 13/03/2025 12:24

I think going from zero to nuclear (cancelling a big treat she is really looking forward to) was a mistake unless there were "checkpoints" along the way (smaller consequences which were ignored by her).

BigFatLiar · 13/03/2025 12:24

thatsnotaproblem · 13/03/2025 12:18

That is my concern.
I think I maybe shouldn’t have made the threat in the moment but now that I have if I back track she’s going to think she can treat me however she likes.

If you want you could let her know that the trip could still be on if her behaviour improves.

Snorlaxo · 13/03/2025 12:25

If you’d never do it then you shouldn’t say it.

I think that you need to think carefully and decide if you’re going with her or you’ll give her one more chance.

Flip flopping between going and not going until the event would be unfair on everyone as doesn’t incentivise good behaviour because she’ll be nice the day before then go back to “grumpy” behaviour plus it will be super stressful for you . “grumpy “ is me being polite about her behaviour.

I would totally understand why you’d take your teen sister instead.

Tiswa · 13/03/2025 12:25

Yep you have gone nuclear on something that didn’t deserve that. I would talk to her as a PP said and explain that you need this to stop

otherwise I am fairly sure your relationship won’t recover

WrylyAmused · 13/03/2025 12:27

Well, depends how you phrased it. It sounds like you said "if you do X, Y will happen" - so to me sounds like the door is still open that if she behaves better, she still gets to go, without it undermining you.

To me, it seems pretty nuclear to go straight to that kind of sanction for pretty normal teen/tween behaviour though.

Her being 12 and that behaviour list does sound like struggling with hormones and emotions - so a bit more understanding and gentleness, plus the mature reflection that we've nearly all been there when younger, and that even into adulthood our hormones play havoc with many women (pre-menstrual, peri-, pregnancy hormones etc) and letting as much of it as possible go, and talking to her about more serious parts at a time when she's not dysregulated might help more.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 13/03/2025 12:31

BigFatLiar · 13/03/2025 12:24

If you want you could let her know that the trip could still be on if her behaviour improves.

Show quote history

This. Let her earn it back.
Bratty behaviour needs nipping in the bud

ByWildLimeCat · 13/03/2025 12:31

Agree with others you’ve gone from zero to 100 in threatening to take away a big event. Can you try and calmly talk to her about it (on a walk or in a car is always a good one), and avoid using the tickets as a bargaining tool? The things you describe are pretty general teenage things but still things that absolutely need to be addressed.

When I was 14 and being an intolerable brat at home pumped full of hormones and an underdeveloped brain my Mum once said ‘You know you really really hurt me when you speak to me like this’ and I could see her upset. It stopped me in my tracks a bit and I really did start being less of a brat. I suppose some might say it was guilt tripping a bit these days but it worked on me.

Tiswa · 13/03/2025 12:39

Hold on this is the one where your sister stays quite often and she was accused of sending messages is it - apologies if not

Gymnopedie · 13/03/2025 12:41

In the moment I said something like ‘if this is how you behave when we’re on our own then we won’t be going to X anymore’ and that I could easily take my teen sister instead.

But you haven't actually said that you won't go. You've said that IF this is how she behaves you won't go. She now has the chance to improve, it's up to her.

She asked you to do her a favour, to go out of your way to pick her up and you did. She was then rude and grumpy and complained that you did a necessary errand while you were out. She wouldn't take her uniform off even though it was for you to be able to wash it for her.

Although it might not seem something to go nuclear over I think this was just the last straw. What's DP's take on this? Does he discipline her or not?

Original poster
thatsnotaproblem · 13/03/2025 12:47

I don’t think I went nuclear at her or from 0-100 ( I didn’t shout at her) Her behaviour had been bad from the minute she got in the car and I had ignored things and given her plenty of encouragement and opportunities to improve.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 13/03/2025 12:51

Don't be threatening such big things which are chance to bond and enjoy. It will just breed resentment .

Immediate consequences if you must . You were rude . No Internet for an hour. Go read instead. No cake baking today.

Or just ignore it is hormones. There will be plenty to ignore and move on as she grows.

cstaff · 13/03/2025 12:52

The only difference I would have made to that is to say "if you do / say that again then I am bringing little sis to concert" and then see if she does whatever it was, then she was fairly warned. I'm not sure jumping straight to punishment is ok - they need some way to pull back if they can.

ExtraOnions · 13/03/2025 12:53

,..one piece of advice to anyone heading into teenage years .. pick your battles.

Ask her for the shirt, if you don’t get it, she wears a dirty shirt.

Teenagers are growing up, you need to start letting go, and letting turn make their own decisions, and live with the consequences.

Seeingalight · 13/03/2025 12:53

She called you a bitch which she probably didn't mean. You felt hurt and said what you said.

We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment, it's normal.

Use this as an opportunity to talk to her about her behaviour.

Instead of focusing on punishing her, look deeper, is she having problems with friends, hormones, combination of things.

Help her rather than isolating her and I'm sure her behaviour to you will improve.

Whatafustercluck · 13/03/2025 12:57

You could give her the chance to 'earn' it back, perhaps? That way, it helps her modify her behaviour and you're not seen as not following through. We all mess up sometimes, but as adults we get the chance to earn it back. I'd also be taking the opportunity to check in with her and making sure there's nothing else behind the change in behaviour. Secondary school is a big step up and takes some time to adjust, particularly with girls in my experience, who are often starting puberty. She may be having friendship worries or any manner of other things.

TotHappy · 13/03/2025 12:57

I agree you should follow up with a calm talk if possible (make sure you leave a decent interval!) And ask what's up and that you really want to go on the trip with her but you can't if she won't be pleasant and follow fair directions. Give her a chance to explain her side of things but highlight the rude way of talking to you (and especially hurling insults! I would not be happy with bitch at all) as unacceptable.

FrenchandSaunders · 13/03/2025 13:05

Get a lock for your bedroom door
Buy a new pack of cheap school shirts

I wouldn’t tolerate rudeness but there are some things you need to let go or think of another solution … or you’ll be constantly on each others case which is no fun for anyone.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 13/03/2025 13:20

You need to sit her down, you her and her dad, and lay some ground rules or your life is about to go to shit - speaking from experience of DSD